Suppose an average citizen decided to run for President of the United States. Could he or she win? Conventional wisdom says surely not! How could an average citizen raise enough money to buy votes for example? And without proper schooling in the political arena how in the world would our everyday candidate know how or when to utilize spin, the most important political skill of all? Can you imagine this poor guy being quizzed by a moderator like Wolf Blitzer during a nationally televised debate?
Still, looking at the crop of Republicans seeking the highest office in the land and lamenting over the guy who sits in the Oval Office now, how wrong could we go by plucking an average Joe or Jane out of the ranks and giving them a chance to compete in the contest to rule the free world?
Are you thinking, “Yeah, he’s right! Why not me? Indeed, why not you? Permit me to offer you some advice, no charge. In fact, to spur you on, here are several mini position papers written by an average American citizen for the average American candidate.
The Deficit
I know it sounds like a tough one but it isn’t really. We need to spend less money, a lot less. And we need more revenue. The problem is that Americans simply aren’t willing to pay more taxes until we are satisfied that government spending is under control. And we don’t want entitlements touched. So, your position, should you decide to run is simple: We will cut spending by 5% in all areas except entitlements. Government will keep doubling the amount cut every year until the American people tell you not only to stop cutting, but beg you to raise their taxes. My guess is that moment will occur in 2018, when Mexico and Canada, notice that our military has shrunk to the size of the Taiwanese army in the 1950s under Chiang Kai-shek. They will form an alliance and threaten to cross the Rio Grande and the Great Lakes, an invasion the likes of which hasn’t been seen since D-Day.
Abortion
This is a tough one. As far as I can tell, the time worn stance that you are personally opposed but feel you must defend the law of the land is, well…time worn. The news isn’t all bad though. The American people are so used to flip-flopping that you could probably call yourself the founder of the Flip-flop Party and garner a ton of votes. So, what you should do is say that in the interest of fairness you will be pro choice on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. You’ll be pro life on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Trust me: The media will be interested in just one thing. What is your Sunday position? MSNBC and Fox News will speculate endlessly. Under no circumstances are you to give away your position until you have written a quickie book on the topic and hawked it on Rachel Maddow’s show. Once you’ve milked that for all its worth, then give it to them straight. On Sundays you review the polls to see which days your standing in the polls rises or falls. Obviously you plan to be in favor of the position that gets you the most voter support. It’s perfect for O’Reilly’s No Spin Zone.
Foreign Policy
Frankly, as an average citizen it’s even money you’ve never been in another country unless you count California. Not to worry though. Your common sense approach will actually help to reduce the deficit! Here’s how: Reinstitute the draft. That will put a quick end to wars of adventurism. By re-instituting the draft, future Presidents will think twice before committing troops for years on end. Now the beauty of your plan is that the draft ONLY applies to people earning more than $250,000 a year. And here’s the catch. They can buy their way out. No, it’s not a tax; to borrow a quote from 41, “read my lips. No new taxes.” Regardless, our nation’s treasury will be swimming in cash. What about foreign aid? Again simplicity rules: Any country that accepts our money is an ally of the United States. You’ll need to clearly define the term ally. A litmus test is in order. Here’s the only question you need ask the leader of a country looking for dough. Will that country welcome the American Idol tour next summer? Not interested unless they bring Paula Abdul back? No aid for you.
Should you decide to go forward with your plan to run in 2012, please don’t forget me. Wait till you hear my plans for education and job growth.
Showing posts with label MSNBC. Show all posts
Showing posts with label MSNBC. Show all posts
Friday, December 2, 2011
Thursday, December 18, 2008
The Pundit Game
I’ll bet you’ve never played the pundit game. But I’m sure you have seen the game many times. If you watch what passes for television news, you can’t possibly miss it. Supposedly educated people take positions that are impossible to defend but they cling to them tenaciously in exchange for name recognition and book sales. The game is actually quite simple and you should learn to play it. Assuming self respect is no biggie for you, that you would do anything to be on TV even if it’s only a perp walk, you too could get rich playing the pundit game.
First, you write a short book. Let’s say the subject is, “The Spaghetti Diet: How to lose 15 pounds a week eating spaghetti.” It really helps if you have no credentials beyond your own claim that you personally lost 275 pounds on the diet. MSNBC calls. Morning Joe wants you on their show next week.
Since you don’t have any expertise, the Morning Joe people will invite a certified nutritionist on the show so they can create tension, and if all goes well, a shouting match. At first, this might sound like bad news. Trust me its not. You are about to sell more books than you ever imagined possible when you were quietly typing your manuscript in between bites of fettuccine alfredo.
On the day of the show the producer will no doubt tell you that it’s important to stick to your talking points. Regardless of how lucid or logical another guest’s ideas may be, if it contradicts your view, ignore it. If you can remember that simple rule, everything will go as smooth as swallowing ravioli marinara.
You’re on the air…
Joe: “Let’s welcome Wally Walter the man who lost 275 pounds on the spaghetti diet. Tell us how the spaghetti diet works Wally.”
Wally: “Sure. All you do is eat macaroni five times a day. Just one portion of any size will do the trick. No bread, no desserts and no liquids other than Chianti.”
Joe: “That is interesting. Let’s bring in our nutritional expert, Patty Lightness. Patty has a PhD in nutrition. Patty, what do you think of Wally’s diet?”
Patty: “It’s ridiculous, that’s what I think. Do you realize that eating all that pasta, with rich toppings will load you up with carbohydrates? Anyone on that diet would gain weight, not lose it.”
Joe: “What do you say to that Wally?”
Wally: “First of all, macaroni isn’t made up exclusively of carbohydrates. It has protein and some good vitamins that interact well with the fats that come from the meat sauce, the olive oil and butter used to enhance the flavor of the macaroni. By the way Patty, I find your use of the word pasta instead of macaroni very condescending.”
Patty: “Well, certainly there are fats and proteins in pasta and its various toppings but that is beside the point. The toppings merely add to the all important calorie count, which after all ultimately determines whether we gain or lose weight. Wally’s diet is very unhealthy taken in such large quantities.”
Wally: “I’m glad you brought that up Patty. Not all calories are alike. If they were, someone eating five pounds of spinach every day would gain as much weight as someone who ate five pounds of chocolate. Macaroni is not a really high calorie meal. And, it takes time to prepare. Just standing over the hot stove is like being in a sauna which many people have done to lose weight.”
Joe: “Patty, does a food’s density determine how many calories it contains? Would five pounds of spinach equate to five pounds of chocolate?”
Patty: “Of course not! That is pure nonsense. I assure you that you would have to eat an enormous amount of spinach to equal the calories in five pounds of chocolate. And, for the record, pasta is a very calorie dense meal.”
Wally: “My point exactly except for what you just said. You would absolutely have to eat a lot of spaghetti to take in as many calories as you would get eating five pounds of chocolate.”
Now, isn’t that easy? Notice the way Wally sidestepped well known facts, obscured legitimate points and frustrated his opponent. Wally is absolutely brilliant at the pundit game. There is little doubt that he would sell millions of books and become a regular on shows like Ellen and Oprah. Having his own show would only be a matter of time.
Copyright 2008 Len Serafino. All rights reserved.
First, you write a short book. Let’s say the subject is, “The Spaghetti Diet: How to lose 15 pounds a week eating spaghetti.” It really helps if you have no credentials beyond your own claim that you personally lost 275 pounds on the diet. MSNBC calls. Morning Joe wants you on their show next week.
Since you don’t have any expertise, the Morning Joe people will invite a certified nutritionist on the show so they can create tension, and if all goes well, a shouting match. At first, this might sound like bad news. Trust me its not. You are about to sell more books than you ever imagined possible when you were quietly typing your manuscript in between bites of fettuccine alfredo.
On the day of the show the producer will no doubt tell you that it’s important to stick to your talking points. Regardless of how lucid or logical another guest’s ideas may be, if it contradicts your view, ignore it. If you can remember that simple rule, everything will go as smooth as swallowing ravioli marinara.
You’re on the air…
Joe: “Let’s welcome Wally Walter the man who lost 275 pounds on the spaghetti diet. Tell us how the spaghetti diet works Wally.”
Wally: “Sure. All you do is eat macaroni five times a day. Just one portion of any size will do the trick. No bread, no desserts and no liquids other than Chianti.”
Joe: “That is interesting. Let’s bring in our nutritional expert, Patty Lightness. Patty has a PhD in nutrition. Patty, what do you think of Wally’s diet?”
Patty: “It’s ridiculous, that’s what I think. Do you realize that eating all that pasta, with rich toppings will load you up with carbohydrates? Anyone on that diet would gain weight, not lose it.”
Joe: “What do you say to that Wally?”
Wally: “First of all, macaroni isn’t made up exclusively of carbohydrates. It has protein and some good vitamins that interact well with the fats that come from the meat sauce, the olive oil and butter used to enhance the flavor of the macaroni. By the way Patty, I find your use of the word pasta instead of macaroni very condescending.”
Patty: “Well, certainly there are fats and proteins in pasta and its various toppings but that is beside the point. The toppings merely add to the all important calorie count, which after all ultimately determines whether we gain or lose weight. Wally’s diet is very unhealthy taken in such large quantities.”
Wally: “I’m glad you brought that up Patty. Not all calories are alike. If they were, someone eating five pounds of spinach every day would gain as much weight as someone who ate five pounds of chocolate. Macaroni is not a really high calorie meal. And, it takes time to prepare. Just standing over the hot stove is like being in a sauna which many people have done to lose weight.”
Joe: “Patty, does a food’s density determine how many calories it contains? Would five pounds of spinach equate to five pounds of chocolate?”
Patty: “Of course not! That is pure nonsense. I assure you that you would have to eat an enormous amount of spinach to equal the calories in five pounds of chocolate. And, for the record, pasta is a very calorie dense meal.”
Wally: “My point exactly except for what you just said. You would absolutely have to eat a lot of spaghetti to take in as many calories as you would get eating five pounds of chocolate.”
Now, isn’t that easy? Notice the way Wally sidestepped well known facts, obscured legitimate points and frustrated his opponent. Wally is absolutely brilliant at the pundit game. There is little doubt that he would sell millions of books and become a regular on shows like Ellen and Oprah. Having his own show would only be a matter of time.
Copyright 2008 Len Serafino. All rights reserved.
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