The Pundit Game

I’ll bet you’ve never played the pundit game. But I’m sure you have seen the game many times. If you watch what passes for television news, you can’t possibly miss it. Supposedly educated people take positions that are impossible to defend but they cling to them tenaciously in exchange for name recognition and book sales. The game is actually quite simple and you should learn to play it. Assuming self respect is no biggie for you, that you would do anything to be on TV even if it’s only a perp walk, you too could get rich playing the pundit game.
First, you write a short book. Let’s say the subject is, “The Spaghetti Diet: How to lose 15 pounds a week eating spaghetti.” It really helps if you have no credentials beyond your own claim that you personally lost 275 pounds on the diet. MSNBC calls. Morning Joe wants you on their show next week.
Since you don’t have any expertise, the Morning Joe people will invite a certified nutritionist on the show so they can create tension, and if all goes well, a shouting match. At first, this might sound like bad news. Trust me its not. You are about to sell more books than you ever imagined possible when you were quietly typing your manuscript in between bites of fettuccine alfredo.
On the day of the show the producer will no doubt tell you that it’s important to stick to your talking points. Regardless of how lucid or logical another guest’s ideas may be, if it contradicts your view, ignore it. If you can remember that simple rule, everything will go as smooth as swallowing ravioli marinara.
You’re on the air…
Joe: “Let’s welcome Wally Walter the man who lost 275 pounds on the spaghetti diet. Tell us how the spaghetti diet works Wally.”
Wally: “Sure. All you do is eat macaroni five times a day. Just one portion of any size will do the trick. No bread, no desserts and no liquids other than Chianti.”
Joe: “That is interesting. Let’s bring in our nutritional expert, Patty Lightness. Patty has a PhD in nutrition. Patty, what do you think of Wally’s diet?”
Patty: “It’s ridiculous, that’s what I think. Do you realize that eating all that pasta, with rich toppings will load you up with carbohydrates? Anyone on that diet would gain weight, not lose it.”
Joe: “What do you say to that Wally?”
Wally: “First of all, macaroni isn’t made up exclusively of carbohydrates. It has protein and some good vitamins that interact well with the fats that come from the meat sauce, the olive oil and butter used to enhance the flavor of the macaroni. By the way Patty, I find your use of the word pasta instead of macaroni very condescending.”
Patty: “Well, certainly there are fats and proteins in pasta and its various toppings but that is beside the point. The toppings merely add to the all important calorie count, which after all ultimately determines whether we gain or lose weight. Wally’s diet is very unhealthy taken in such large quantities.”
Wally: “I’m glad you brought that up Patty. Not all calories are alike. If they were, someone eating five pounds of spinach every day would gain as much weight as someone who ate five pounds of chocolate. Macaroni is not a really high calorie meal. And, it takes time to prepare. Just standing over the hot stove is like being in a sauna which many people have done to lose weight.”
Joe: “Patty, does a food’s density determine how many calories it contains? Would five pounds of spinach equate to five pounds of chocolate?”
Patty: “Of course not! That is pure nonsense. I assure you that you would have to eat an enormous amount of spinach to equal the calories in five pounds of chocolate. And, for the record, pasta is a very calorie dense meal.”
Wally: “My point exactly except for what you just said. You would absolutely have to eat a lot of spaghetti to take in as many calories as you would get eating five pounds of chocolate.”

Now, isn’t that easy? Notice the way Wally sidestepped well known facts, obscured legitimate points and frustrated his opponent. Wally is absolutely brilliant at the pundit game. There is little doubt that he would sell millions of books and become a regular on shows like Ellen and Oprah. Having his own show would only be a matter of time.


Copyright 2008 Len Serafino. All rights reserved.