So my wife had surgery on her right foot a few weeks ago. She’s beginning to get around again and I am more than grateful for that. For the last several weeks I have had to take on the household chores. Trust me; this is not as easy as it sounds. In addition to working all day long, I had to cook, wash dishes, do laundry, make the bed, do the grocery shopping and iron clothing for both of us! Yes, and on top of that I had to handle my usual household responsibility, taking the garbage out to the curb on Thursday morning.
Of course one or two women, perhaps cynical types, will say, “Welcome to the real world Len. Imagine doing all that and handling 98% of child care responsibilities without any hope of a day off…ever.”
Thanks ladies, but I would prefer not to imagine that scenario. Still, I have learned a few things that I want to pass on to any husband who finds himself in a similar situation. First, hire a housekeeper. Even if you have to get a home equity loan or sell your boat to pay for it, by all means do it. That way, you’ll never have to actually know what women go through. You can live happily believing that they like doing this stuff the way you like smoking a cigar during a poker game.
On the other hand, if you do hire a maid, there is an excellent chance that once your bride recovers, you will be hard pressed to explain why such services are no longer necessary. Here’s a better idea. Do all of the tasks at hand but don’t make the mistake of getting better at these jobs. Hitting golf balls at the driving range may have lowered your handicap but this is not the time to take pride in your work. Therefore, in the process of ironing the wrinkles out of her favorite blouse, at the very least scorch one of the sleeves, both if you can. When doing the wash, buy several new bright red shirts and mix the colored clothes with the whites, one red shirt at a time. I know: This will cost you serious money when you have to replace all the underwear a few times. But it’s a bargain. Remember this. Stupidity, even if it’s mostly feigned, eliminates the likelihood that any of these jobs will be permanently reassigned to you.
It’s best to be as clumsy as possible. Once you break one of her treasured Lenox serving platters, she’ll fear for her household’s well being. That way she won’t milk her recovery time. I hate to say this, but I suspect my wife could have been up and around sooner than she actually was. I probably made an error in judgment when I fixed beef bourguignon for dinner and cherries jubilee for dessert. That was after scouring the bathroom, mopping the floors and dusting the blinds. Maybe I was showing off a little. A few days later I had to go out of town overnight, leaving her to fend for herself. Believe me I was worried about how she would manage without me. As it turned out, I surprised her and got home a bit earlier than expected the following afternoon. I am almost certain that I caught her practicing an old cheerleader move from high school, albeit she was only kicking with one leg.
One other suggestion guys: No matter how tired you are don’t even think of mentioning it. Don’t yawn and don’t grumble. And believe me; you will be exhausted by the end of the day. I don’t know what’s worse, trying to fold clothes after you’ve had a few Manhattans or realizing that the dog you’re walking isn’t even yours. Regardless, if you let on that all this work is anything but a breeze you’ll be asking for trouble. By the way, don’t offer her any helpful time management tips either. Sadly, I made that mistake. My wife outsmarted me as usual. She gazed lovingly into my eyes and said, “Wow, I could never learn to run the dishwasher and wipe down the kitchen counters at the same time like you do. Reluctantly, I must bow to your supreme wisdom. The job’s yours permanently buddy.”
Men, this is a delicate situation. You must master the art of being helpful and helpless at the same time. Above all, be honest about one thing. You couldn’t survive without her.
Copyright 2010, Len Serafino. All rights reserved.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Spare the Rod Please
A school district in central Texas has decided to reintroduce paddling in its schools. Apparently they believe corporeal punishment is necessary to manage student behavior. As it turns out 20 states still permit paddling in school but there is a movement to implement a Federal ban on the practice. No doubt, members of Congress, running for re-election will no doubt see which way the wind is blowing and bloviate accordingly.
When I was a public school kid in the 1950s, teachers hit kids on a daily basis. I have a startlingly fresh memory of Mrs. Leto whacking Calvin Fillipone across his back repeatedly with a ruler for misbehaving. In those days parents stood still for that sort of thing. Any child brought up in that era knew better than to run home and tell his mother he got hit by the teacher. Chances were excellent that another spanking was in the offing because our parents assumed that if we got spanked the teacher must have had a good reason for it.
I can also remember being smacked by a nun in Catechism class, and gently paddled by a neighbor. One of my uncles whacked my rear end once because I wouldn’t sit down in his moving Mercury. (Yeah, I know this was before seat belts.) Foolishly, I told on him when we got home. That was a worse mistake than telling on the teacher. Not only had I behaved badly but I attempted to embarrass my uncle. I can’t say for sure but it is certainly likely that my mother used the dreaded wooden spoon on me that day.
Now you might think I am about to suggest that schools should be permitted to paddle kids, that I agree with the school district. But I don’t. Here’s why. Times were different then. Mrs. Leto had been in the neighborhood, teaching at my school a long time; long enough to have taught my father. Nuns really cared about us. Even as kids we knew that. Our neighbors were well known to my parents. Most of them knew each other since childhood. My uncle was someone we saw every week. Our families were close. The point is that we weren’t living among strangers with unknown backgrounds. In the world we live in today it’s too risky to assume that every teacher and administrator is completely qualified to mete out punishment. People today live very different lives than our parents and grandparents. Stability and predictability have been replaced by mobility and uncertainty. Consensus about right and wrong, once common from community to community is no longer easy to come by. We have rogue teachers and rogue preachers, neighbors who are strangers and relatives in blood only these days.
Children should not be spanked or touched unnecessarily by teachers. Many parents agree. When asked her opinion about the new rule one of the parents in Texas put it succinctly. She said, “If my child needs discipline tell me about it and I’ll do the paddling.” I laughed when I read that because it reminded me of a story my father told me.
When he was a boy his teacher paddled him and then demanded that my grandfather come to the school to discuss his son’s behavior. Informed that my father had been spanked my grandfather sternly told the teacher in broken but clearly understandable English, “If my son misbehaves you don’t hit him. You tell me and I’ll do the hitting.” My father enjoyed teacher’s pet status the rest of the year. On the other hand, he had no doubt that his father would indeed redden his rear end if he misbehaved again.
Therein, lies the generational difference. Observing today’s parents try to manage their children is not for the faint hearted. Too many parents today seem to negotiate with their kids, trying to strike bargains when firm rules are called for. Kids need to know there are rules and consequences when they break them. Many years ago teachers played the in loco parentis role to the hilt. Sadly, the state of our society demands that limits be placed on the teacher’s role, which limits a teacher’s options. That means parents must behave like parents; that is they must take charge. Kids need to know that mom and dad make the rules. It stands to reason that a child’s behavior in school, and his expectations about what reaction, if any, he will get, probably mirrors his behavior at home.
Copyright 2010, Len Serafino. All rights reserved.
When I was a public school kid in the 1950s, teachers hit kids on a daily basis. I have a startlingly fresh memory of Mrs. Leto whacking Calvin Fillipone across his back repeatedly with a ruler for misbehaving. In those days parents stood still for that sort of thing. Any child brought up in that era knew better than to run home and tell his mother he got hit by the teacher. Chances were excellent that another spanking was in the offing because our parents assumed that if we got spanked the teacher must have had a good reason for it.
I can also remember being smacked by a nun in Catechism class, and gently paddled by a neighbor. One of my uncles whacked my rear end once because I wouldn’t sit down in his moving Mercury. (Yeah, I know this was before seat belts.) Foolishly, I told on him when we got home. That was a worse mistake than telling on the teacher. Not only had I behaved badly but I attempted to embarrass my uncle. I can’t say for sure but it is certainly likely that my mother used the dreaded wooden spoon on me that day.
Now you might think I am about to suggest that schools should be permitted to paddle kids, that I agree with the school district. But I don’t. Here’s why. Times were different then. Mrs. Leto had been in the neighborhood, teaching at my school a long time; long enough to have taught my father. Nuns really cared about us. Even as kids we knew that. Our neighbors were well known to my parents. Most of them knew each other since childhood. My uncle was someone we saw every week. Our families were close. The point is that we weren’t living among strangers with unknown backgrounds. In the world we live in today it’s too risky to assume that every teacher and administrator is completely qualified to mete out punishment. People today live very different lives than our parents and grandparents. Stability and predictability have been replaced by mobility and uncertainty. Consensus about right and wrong, once common from community to community is no longer easy to come by. We have rogue teachers and rogue preachers, neighbors who are strangers and relatives in blood only these days.
Children should not be spanked or touched unnecessarily by teachers. Many parents agree. When asked her opinion about the new rule one of the parents in Texas put it succinctly. She said, “If my child needs discipline tell me about it and I’ll do the paddling.” I laughed when I read that because it reminded me of a story my father told me.
When he was a boy his teacher paddled him and then demanded that my grandfather come to the school to discuss his son’s behavior. Informed that my father had been spanked my grandfather sternly told the teacher in broken but clearly understandable English, “If my son misbehaves you don’t hit him. You tell me and I’ll do the hitting.” My father enjoyed teacher’s pet status the rest of the year. On the other hand, he had no doubt that his father would indeed redden his rear end if he misbehaved again.
Therein, lies the generational difference. Observing today’s parents try to manage their children is not for the faint hearted. Too many parents today seem to negotiate with their kids, trying to strike bargains when firm rules are called for. Kids need to know there are rules and consequences when they break them. Many years ago teachers played the in loco parentis role to the hilt. Sadly, the state of our society demands that limits be placed on the teacher’s role, which limits a teacher’s options. That means parents must behave like parents; that is they must take charge. Kids need to know that mom and dad make the rules. It stands to reason that a child’s behavior in school, and his expectations about what reaction, if any, he will get, probably mirrors his behavior at home.
Copyright 2010, Len Serafino. All rights reserved.
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