My wife and I had just sat down to lunch at a well known seafood restaurant. It was lobster fest season again. I always get sucked in by the commercials showing steaming platters of succulent lobsters with drawn butter. From one lobster fest season to the next, I conveniently forget that the lobster in the commercials bears no resemblance to the lobster on my plate. I have no idea where the seafood chain in question finds the lobsters that agree to appear in these commercials, but I am certain that none of them are ready to do an encore in Franklin, Tennessee.
Regardless, before I even had a moment to peruse the menu, I spotted something that captivated my attention much more than the shrimp, crab legs and lobster combo. It was Debbie the server’s name tag. It had her name of course but just below her name I saw the words “Seafood Expert.” People who know me well can attest to the fact that I can be a stickler for words. I’m no William Safire but I do pay attention to the way people say things and the words they choose. When I saw “Seafood Expert,” presumably a title bestowed upon Debbie with good reason, I was more than a little bit intrigued.
Naturally, I asked her what it meant to be a seafood expert. Was she a marine biologist making a few extra bucks serving shrimp scampi? Had she recently joined the restaurant staff after twenty years with Fulton’s Fish Market? Maybe she just graduated from a culinary arts college that specialized in seafood.
None of the above as it turned out. She said the restaurant held meetings every two or three months to discuss different fish. And there were handouts that could be studied after the meeting. I’m not sure that level of exposure to fish qualifies one for expert status. Synonyms for expert include professional, specialist and authority to name a few. Apparently the marketing team at this seafood restaurant chain is working on the assumption that diners, upon seeing that their server has a name tag with the words seafood expert emblazoned on them, will readily put their palates in the hands of the server. After all, how many customers are going to ask how the server achieved such lofty status? Would they be more or less likely to consider the server’s recommendations if they knew that expert status had been conveyed based on occasional meetings that may or may not include glamour shots of certain fish?
Our server said she’s been working at the seafood restaurant for five years. I couldn’t help but wonder if she was required to work there for a couple of years before seafood expert was added to her name tag. Let’s see, that would amount to maybe ten meetings and presumably, ten different types of seafood. There are 48 different species of lobster alone and there must be at least ten species of trout to consider. More meetings might be a good idea.
In his book Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell estimated that expertise in anything requires about 10,000 hours of study and practice. If that’s true, I suspect the restaurant might be intentionally misusing the word expert in a misguided attempt to improve customers’ overall dining experience.
While most people probably wouldn’t question the validity of the claim, at least not consciously, on some level they are almost certainly aware of its insincerity. And no matter what business you’re in that is a problem. How fresh is the fish being served that day? Is the martini really made with Bombay Sapphire or is it a generic substitute? The word expert shouldn’t be treated like a marketing buzz word. Marketers should stick with new and improved.
The restaurant chain isn’t the only culprit by the way. When I Googled the words “seafood experts” I found a company that distributes seafood nationwide. They listed experts in specific categories like shrimp, lobster and grouper. The shrimp expert is a trained accountant who worked in mortgage banking as well. According to her bio, having worked in purchasing and sales for the seafood distributor, she got “a complete seafood education.” No doubt this includes the shrimp.
As usual, I’m probably just not seeing the upside to playing games with words. Until now that is. It may be late in the game for me, but having worked in both sales and purchasing for a healthcare company, I’ve already updated my resume. My qualifications now include “medical expert.” I’m having my new name tag made this afternoon.
Copyright 2010 Len Serafino. All rights reserved.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
The Bachelor: An Alien's View
So Jake the bachelor asked Vienna the vixen to marry him. I’ve been watching The Bachelor on and off this season. While Jake seems to have some doubts about who he is and what he wants, Ali (the next Bachelorette) had enough sense to choose her job over Jake which might have been the only lucid decision anybody made on the show.
As I watched I found myself wondering what a visitor from another planet might make of all this. Much to my surprise I got an email this very morning that was obviously not intended for me. A creature by the name of Merlin Xenzac from the planet Zepheron was filing a report back to his headquarters and the ethereal wires must have gotten crossed. Here is Merlin’s unedited transcript.
To Your Highest Excellency:
I have just spent the last eight weeks in a tiny motel room watching American television exactly as you instructed. I have noted a very curious courting custom that escaped our notice on my previous mission in earth year 1984. Here are my pithy observations:
1. In spite of decades of progress toward equal rights, earth women are desperate to find a husband. They will enter into a no holds barred competition if necessary, to meet and marry the man of their dreams.
2. Women will put up with and do almost anything if you promise them a chance to get a red rose. Unlike planet Zepheron, bachelors are permitted to date as many as 25 women and not only tell these girls about each other but bring them together in harmony.
3. These men can be caught on camera(!) kissing, hugging and all but fondling each woman and not have to worry about being called a cad, or a womanizer. In fact each girl will put on her finest and hope against hope that the bachelor will want her more than the others. (Oh to be young, single and an earthling.)
4. Apparently, earth has eliminated all maladies that can be transmitted via bodily fluids.
5. When a bachelor dumps a woman (or several of them) he can do this without fear that they will cry, carry on or beg him to reconsider. The bachelor has no reason to fear reprisals such as a beating from the girl’s brother or a year or two of being stalked. Instead, women will hug the man in question and wish him the best life has to offer with a smile and perhaps a few brave, but silent tears. I can’t say for sure, but I think this might have something to do with the fact that all dating now takes place in fabulous vacation destination points. A bachelor doesn’t take a girl to a moldy smelling movie theatre followed by a greasy hamburger and fries at the local diner anymore. Dates are now conducted in places like New York, San Francisco and St. Lucia.
6. Women who are dumped will tell anyone who will listen that the bachelor in question just made a huge mistake that he will regret for the rest of his life. They do not perceive any misjudgments on their part for entering the contest.
7. Bachelors are expected to fall deeply in love with several women at the same time. Earthlings have advanced so far that they can develop deep feelings for one another without the benefit of months of getting to know one another exclusively. Lifelong commitments can now be made without knowing whether a woman squeezes the toothpaste from the tube incorrectly or whether the man has any idea of where the garbage can is.
8. However, it appears to be a rule that the bachelor express grave concern over his quandary. He will express the strongest feelings imaginable to several women in words and actions, leading them to believe that each one of them is likely to get not just a rose, but an engagement ring. However, he must express sadness over having to give up all but one lady. As a side note I must report that the one-and-only rule does not apply to a certain professional golfer.
9. I have also learned that families will permit a bachelor that may be taking their princess for a ride destined to end in agony, into their homes and treat him as an honored guest.
10. Finally, it isn’t clear yet what affect this custom has on young earthlings who just got here in the last 15 years or so. However buying stock in companies that sell roses might be a good bet.
Copyright Len Serafino 2010. All rights reserved.
As I watched I found myself wondering what a visitor from another planet might make of all this. Much to my surprise I got an email this very morning that was obviously not intended for me. A creature by the name of Merlin Xenzac from the planet Zepheron was filing a report back to his headquarters and the ethereal wires must have gotten crossed. Here is Merlin’s unedited transcript.
To Your Highest Excellency:
I have just spent the last eight weeks in a tiny motel room watching American television exactly as you instructed. I have noted a very curious courting custom that escaped our notice on my previous mission in earth year 1984. Here are my pithy observations:
1. In spite of decades of progress toward equal rights, earth women are desperate to find a husband. They will enter into a no holds barred competition if necessary, to meet and marry the man of their dreams.
2. Women will put up with and do almost anything if you promise them a chance to get a red rose. Unlike planet Zepheron, bachelors are permitted to date as many as 25 women and not only tell these girls about each other but bring them together in harmony.
3. These men can be caught on camera(!) kissing, hugging and all but fondling each woman and not have to worry about being called a cad, or a womanizer. In fact each girl will put on her finest and hope against hope that the bachelor will want her more than the others. (Oh to be young, single and an earthling.)
4. Apparently, earth has eliminated all maladies that can be transmitted via bodily fluids.
5. When a bachelor dumps a woman (or several of them) he can do this without fear that they will cry, carry on or beg him to reconsider. The bachelor has no reason to fear reprisals such as a beating from the girl’s brother or a year or two of being stalked. Instead, women will hug the man in question and wish him the best life has to offer with a smile and perhaps a few brave, but silent tears. I can’t say for sure, but I think this might have something to do with the fact that all dating now takes place in fabulous vacation destination points. A bachelor doesn’t take a girl to a moldy smelling movie theatre followed by a greasy hamburger and fries at the local diner anymore. Dates are now conducted in places like New York, San Francisco and St. Lucia.
6. Women who are dumped will tell anyone who will listen that the bachelor in question just made a huge mistake that he will regret for the rest of his life. They do not perceive any misjudgments on their part for entering the contest.
7. Bachelors are expected to fall deeply in love with several women at the same time. Earthlings have advanced so far that they can develop deep feelings for one another without the benefit of months of getting to know one another exclusively. Lifelong commitments can now be made without knowing whether a woman squeezes the toothpaste from the tube incorrectly or whether the man has any idea of where the garbage can is.
8. However, it appears to be a rule that the bachelor express grave concern over his quandary. He will express the strongest feelings imaginable to several women in words and actions, leading them to believe that each one of them is likely to get not just a rose, but an engagement ring. However, he must express sadness over having to give up all but one lady. As a side note I must report that the one-and-only rule does not apply to a certain professional golfer.
9. I have also learned that families will permit a bachelor that may be taking their princess for a ride destined to end in agony, into their homes and treat him as an honored guest.
10. Finally, it isn’t clear yet what affect this custom has on young earthlings who just got here in the last 15 years or so. However buying stock in companies that sell roses might be a good bet.
Copyright Len Serafino 2010. All rights reserved.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
