Will They Deconstruct Sheriff Andy Taylor Too?

Sheriff Andy Taylor has died, rest in peace Andy. Hopefully, your unblemished ride as Mayberry’s sheriff will never be over. Unlike real life heroes, scriptwriters made you near perfect. It would be exceedingly hard to write a revisionist history of your life, filled with minor blemishes and major warts.

            In real life though, we’ve seen generations of great American leaders pilloried by pretenders insisting they write to set the record straight while really wanting to secure a major book deal. Add a lucrative movie deal while we’re at it. Knocking JFK, MLK, LBJ, FDR, and a few of the founding fathers off their high perches has brought wealth and even fame to some but at what cost? Have we as a nation truly benefitted knowing that canonization of America’s historical leaders might be too much?  
          When we were a naïve people we willingly trusted leaders to do the right thing, to insist on fair play, you know, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, Yankee Doodle Dandy, Saving Private Ryan. In the process perhaps we gave them something to live up to. We are cynical now. We don’t trust our leaders and it isn’t our fault. Leaders refuse to lead. They won’t make the hard choices or even discuss them honestly. And why should they? What exactly is the payoff for all that work, and bold risks, an unauthorized e-book biography? We’re pretty much on our own now.
            When Andy Griffith died many people felt a personal loss. It may be a bit hard to grasp why when so few of us have ever met the man. Who knows what he was really like as a husband, a boss, or at a cocktail party? Did he have many friends who stood by him regardless of where life took him? I suppose much of our feelings of loss relate to what his TV alter ego, Andy Taylor represented. Andy was a living, breathing example of how to live one’s life. Play by the rules, shoot straight, and be kind to one and all, an American way of life.
           Can you possibly imagine a TV studio bringing back that show, based in Mayberry with the same characters? Would the fact that so many of them weren’t married be titillating today? Andy was single. So was Barney. Thelma Lou, Gomer, Goober, Howard and Otis, the town drunk, were single. Aunt Bee was single too. I’ll bet it never crossed your mind right? I certainly never thought of it until I read Ramon Presson’s fine piece on Andy Griffith in the Charlotte Observer. Imagine the story lines today’s geniuses would conjure.
            And that got me to thinking about how polluted so-called sitcom writing is today. In the 1960s when The Andy Griffith Show was popular, the writers built their stories around the character that lay deep within each of the show’s characters. Barney may have been a meddling fool, easily duped by strangers in town, but Barney was never put in a position where he might get Thelma Lou pregnant and then have to choose between marrying her and cajoling her into terminating the pregnancy. What would today’s writers do if Sheriff Taylor discovered small time counterfeiters setting up shop in Mayberry? Would he catch them in the act, confiscate the fake bills and send them to justice?  Or, would viewers be treated to a morally ambiguous storyline where the town’s unemployed are buying some much needed goods with bogus twenties, facing deprivation if Andy shuts down the pipeline?      
           Listen: I have no interest in debating either the merits of lifestyle choices available to us today or the notion that everything is relative. I’m merely pointing out that Andy Taylor’s reputation is safe only until some addled network executives, out of real life heroes to knock down a peg, decide to go after fictional characters too.  

The Andy Griffith Show is still on almost every night because people still watch, even when they know the storylines by heart. Why? Well, I don’t know why but if I had to guess, I would say it’s because people never stop hoping that life can be the way they see it in Mayberry. In spite of countless examples to the contrary in every aspect of our lives, we stubbornly hope for a country where the generations get along, men and women respect each other, kids are safe playing kid games and above all we care about each other.

Otis locked himself in the cell to sleep off a bender. Wonder what he would see if he didn’t wake up until today?      

Copyright 2012, Len Serafino. All rights reserved.

Bottomley Watermelons

Ever heard of Bottomley watermelons? Neither have I until this morning. I was shopping at Home Depot. Now don’t you go thinking I’m handy. I was just there to find some heavy duty felt pads to attach to a tray I’m using to make a portable standup desk. (Call me if you know how to attach them to a wooden surface.)

            As I walked into the store though, I noticed two very large and sturdy cardboard boxes filled with watermelons. There was a handwritten sign that said, “Bottomley Watermelons.” My first thought was, am I getting so forgetful that I wandered into a Whole Foods store instead of Home Depot? A quick scan of the surrounding area quickly confirmed that I was in Home Depot; wood, paint, power tools, kitchen and bath fixtures.

My next thought was why Home Depot would be selling watermelons, not to mention what must be an upscale brand of watermelon?  Why else would you point out a brand name for a watermelon? Since I never heard of Bottomley, I decided to ask the nice people wearing Home Depot aprons what exactly a Bottomley watermelon is.

Guess what? No one had the slightest idea. I asked three employees. Two offered what they admitted were guesses. One guessed it was a type of watermelon. The other guessed it was a brand. Turns out the guy who guessed brand was correct. Thanks to the World Wide Web it’s almost too easy these days to get information that is critical to your day if not your life. Bottomley Farms, located in Ennice, North Carolina is the grower of the Bottomley watermelon. Ennice is a small town located in Alleghany County; with just under 11,000 residents...that’s the county, not the town.

 When I got the watermelon home I noticed that the label on the melon didn’t mention Bottomley. In fact it said seedless watermelons distributed by ABL Farms. And below that, grown and packed by WJ Produce which it so happens is located in Cordele, Georgia. ABL Farms –they also grow watermelons, is based in Forest Park, GA. Where exactly do these watermelons come from? Am I eating watermelon on a scorching hot day that was born and raised in the rich soil of North Carolina or the red clay of Georgia? And, who watered my watermelon? After all, watermelon is 92% water. Don’t I have a right to know the source of all that water?

As you can imagine I was quite concerned about the potential problems that might occur if I didn’t like the watermelon. I mean sure, I can always sue Home Depot, but as every red blooded American knows, it never hurts to sue several parties. So should it be Bottomley Farms? ABL Farms? And what about WJ Produce? I made a few calls. I had to get to the bottom of this before I took even one bite of watermelon.

Joyce, the J in WJ Produce, was pretty sure she and her husband grew those watermelons.

She also admitted she knew about the watermelon sale to Home Depot. She was very candid actually, possibly because she had absolutely nothing to hide. She also acknowledged that she sold her melons to ABL Farms. Of course I called ABL next, hot on the trail of a bait and switch watermelon scandal. I’ll be writing for the New York Times baby.

But then, things got a little confusing. The young lady I spoke with wasn’t sure about what might have happened. She was very professional. She took down my name and phone number and promised to speak with Danny. And to his credit, Danny called me right away, another one with nothing to hide.

But let me tell you something: I am like a dog with a bone when I have an unanswered question burning inside me. You better believe I called Bottomley Farms. And just like that the mystery was solved. Teresa told me that Bottomley Farms does grow watermelons and that Home Depot ordered them from Bottomley. Home Depot also gets their Halloween pumpkins and Christmas trees from Bottomley. Perhaps Bottomley didn’t have enough watermelons to sell Home Depot. So they bought them from ABL Farms who got them from WJ Produce. Case closed, almost. I suppose I should be disappointed. My muckraking days are off to a very rocky start. But I’m not disappointed. I just tasted the watermelon. It’s delicious.    

Copyright 2012, Len Serafino. All rights reserved.