The Endorsement Game

Linkedin, the very popular social networking sight for business, recently added a feature that gave me great cause for concern until I finally figured out the new feature’s purpose. If you are a regular visitor to Linkedin, by now you know you can endorse connections for skills and expertise they claim to have. For example, I claim to have writing related skills. The way endorsing works is through a popup with four boxes. Each one has a picture of one of your connections.

In each box you are asked a question about a skill your connection claims to possess. If Mitt Romney was one of your connections you might be asked, “Does Mitt Romney know politics?” You have the option of endorsing Mitt or ignoring the question. Once you decide whether to endorse one or more of the people in the boxes, you can click for more and get fresh faces to endorse or instead, ignore because you don’t think they have the skills they say they do or you simply don’t like them that day.

It’s probably related to my background in healthcare sales and my nodding acquaintance with marketing, but I am asked one question constantly. Does (let’s call him) Angelo know marketing? I am completely flummoxed by this question and others like it. Does the question really mean has Angelo ever heard of marketing? I know. Really, I get it that the question wouldn’t appear with Angelo’s name if he didn’t claim to know marketing. But for the sake of argument let’s pretend that Angelo’s job is a customer service representative at a small, family owned homecare provider in say, Dodge City, Kansas.

Now suppose that Marc Pritchard, the global marketing and brand-building officer at Procter and Gamble, whom I’ve never actually met, was also a Linkedin connection. What would I do if I’m asked if Marc knows marketing? If I endorse both connections what does my endorsement say?  I mean if they both “know marketing” I suspect someone is being grossly underpaid and it isn’t Marc. There isn’t an ounce of nuance in my endorsement. It’s either yes, or ignore. And truth be told, I hate to ignore people who may need encouragement or validation.

I wonder if perhaps it’s the word “know” that is giving me a headache. It’s not like this is just a Nike commercial where Bo knows…well, everything. We’re giving references here. Maybe it should be a multiple choice question. Three choices would be ideal I think.

1.      Angelo can’t even spell marketing.

2.      I’m sure he’s heard the term.

3.      Yeah, I’ll vouch for him.

 

Of course, only option number three would be helpful to my connection. Options 1 and 2 might reduce my number of connections but I’ll take my chances. I still have the option to ignore the question.    

There is another question that comes up frequently given my background. “Does Mallory Valley know healthcare?”  Listen: We’re talking about one of the most complicated and debated subjects in our society today. Does anyone actually “know” something as broad as healthcare? Are we talking about health care financing? Is it the delivery of health care services? Am I being asked if Mallory knows a sub-specialty like neo-natal intensive care just to name one? Or, is the question really simple as in does Mallory take good care of herself? 

When I first started endorsing people I took the responsibility seriously. After all, my endorsement reflects on my business judgment and acumen. If I endorsed you it meant that I had sufficient experience to support my endorsement.

All of that changed for me early one morning when it occurred to me that the nice people at Linkedin probably meant to create an on-line board game to keep us on their site longer and get us to add more connections. But what would be the object of the game? Do you win if you provide the most endorsements? Conversely, might they track the number of opportunities to endorse that you ignored? My guess is the object of the game is to receive as many endorsements in as many categories as you can. Hint: The more you endorse the more people feel obligated to endorse you. So get busy.

In case Linkedin hasn’t actually considered the huge potential of the endorsement game, here is a way for you to keep track of your score until they do. Give yourself two points for every connection that endorses you. Add an additional point every time the same connection endorses you again in another category. I think the winner of the game should be automatically inducted into Mensa.   

Thanksgiving: Memories and Hope

When I was a child, Thanksgiving was indeed a day to be thankful. There was a local high school football game, Barringer vs. East Orange, at the time considered by the locals to be the oldest high school football rivalry in the nation. I also got two days off from school. That short week was a Godsend to a boy who would rather be outside playing then stuck in a classroom. The turkey and pumpkin pie were fabulous and then there was the parade, the best part of which was the last float. That float carried Santa Claus. Seeing Santa on Thanksgiving marked the unofficial opening of the Christmas season. Yes, Christmas and a Roy Rodgers two-gun set of six shooters were right around the corner.  

            It never occurred to me back then to be actually thankful for life’s blessings. I’m a baby boomer isn’t it all about me?

I was born in post war America when times were so good that even the poor had a better life to look forward to than most of the undeveloped world. Things were so good that it was possible to take what we had for granted; freedom, security, trust in our leaders.          

            And even though my parents lived paycheck to paycheck back then, I never had to worry about having a roof over my head. I never wanted for a hot meal, decent clothing or heat when the weather turned cold. As a child of course, it never crossed my mind that not even 20 years ago, men died horrific deaths on European battlefields and Pacific islands to preserve our freedoms. Men and women sacrificed years of their lives in their prime to fight a war we didn’t start but certainly finished.

As a child I never connected the dots: The turkey and pumpkin pie that sat so reliably on our kitchen table year after year were possible only because my father stood day after day, year after year, at a printing press. My mother skillfully and lovingly prepared the meal, following traditions which in turn, she passed onto us. And I add, without irony, that I was blessed to have the same mother and father at the table every year.  

None of this is to suggest that life was better back then. Certainly the traditions of Thanksgiving live on in our memories. Possibly made better than they actually were by our uniquely human ability to edit the moments that don’t fit with the Norman Rockwell images we prefer.     

The beauty of the day is that regardless of our circumstances, we have the chance to start new traditions, create future memories and above all give thanks for our countless blessings. Another thing I’m sure I never gave much thought to as a child was who we were actually thanking on Thanksgiving. There’s a lot to choose from, including parents, spouses, significant others, employers, farmers and of course, the NFL. But nothing would be possible without God. A simple prayer to the Good Lord, thanking Him for whatever we have is the entire point of the celebration. I realize some may disagree and have no wish to argue the point. What I do know is that every Presidential Thanksgiving Proclamation, beginning with George Washington’s, makes clear reference to this very fact, pointedly thanking God.

We live in a world dramatically different than the one I grew up in. When you’ve lived long enough to know that American life today barely resembles the righteous America you grew up in, it’s natural to worry. But my Thanksgiving Day prayer will be thankful and it will be hopeful. Hopeful that our nation, reeling from decades of rapid change, will rebound and be once again a place where children can afford to take freedom, security and trust for granted.          

 

Copyright 2012, Len Serafino. All rights reserved.

 

Don’t Like the Election Results? Secede!

It’s been a week since the election. By now many, if not most of us, have settled down, relieved that campaign ads have given way to Christmas shopping commercials. But not everyone has come to terms with the election results. There are those who are so unhappy that the President has been reelected, that they are petitioning the US Government for the right to secede from the Union. According to the Huffington Post, citizens in 34 states have filed secession petitions. Any petition that receives 25,000 signatures within 30 days must be reviewed and responded to by the Obama Administration.    

            Most petitioners claim to be dissatisfied with the way the Federal Government spends our money and they are not happy about the way our rights are abridged by agencies such as the TSA. I can’t say that I blame them but I am a bit perplexed that they waited until after the election results were in to decide that secession was the best course of action. These problems go back to the Bush era. Of course secession requests do seem to follow Presidential elections. When Bush won and Kerry lost in 2004, there were petitions.

            What if no one objected and 30 or more states were gone? Would these states ultimately get together and form an even more perfect union? Or is it more likely that some states would band together and others, like Texas, would return to its lone star origins?

            Here is a list of the 34 states with citizens that thought it would be better to go it alone:

Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Delaware, Florida,Georgia, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, New Jersey, New York, Nevada, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, West Virgnia and Wyoming.,

            I guess the worst case scenario would be 34 separate countries. If I wanted to drive to New Jersey to visit family and friends, I would need a passport which I would have to show to the good people of the great nations of Virginia, Pennsylvania and New Jersey. I wonder what New Jersey would require of a visitor from another country? What if there were no treaties between Tennessee and New Jersey? What if there was a dispute and the President of Tennessee issued a travel warning about the former Garden State? On the other hand, a trip to Atlantic City would sound exotic. I mean gambling in a foreign land would be cool assuming the currency exchange rates were favorable. Would the Tennessee Moon Pie be the equivalent of the New Jersey cannoli?  

            I suppose the original Confederacy could get together but at the moment of this writing, only ten of the eleven states are in. So far Virginia, the birthplace of Robert E. Lee hasn't sent a petition. Let me say right now that if Virginia isn’t going to be part of this deal I’m out. Any nation that I’m a member of has to have a access to the Chesapeake Bay when crabs are in season. If they have to be imported the price will be outrageous. Equal opportunity for all in the new Confederacy goes without saying, but I don’t foresee a problem. This is the 21^st century after all.

            I really suspect that the petitioners haven’t thought through all of the ramifications of a successful secession. At first blush it sounds fine if you’re Texas. You have the fifth largest economy in the world. Why not go your own way? After all, they’ve been there before. But if a whole bunch of states are suddenly on their own, a treaty with the USA stipulating an alliance in the event of an attack on either country would be a lot less attractive if the USA consists of Vermont, New Hampshire, South Dakota and Hawaii. It’s a dangerous world out there. I wonder if the Texan that filed that petition considered the fact that a nation of 26 million people would be dwarfed by its neighbor to the south. Mexico has 112 million people. The outcome at the Alamo probably would be the same as it was last time.  

            One good thing about secession as an exercise at least, is that it forces us to recognize that regardless of who is in the White House we’re all in this together. I mean I don’t want to pay for an International permit just so I can drive to the Kentucky Derby. God Bless America.  

Copyright 2012, Len Serafino. All rights reserved.

The Second Debate A Sneak Preview

If you don’t have time to watch tonight’s town hall debate between Governor Romney and President Obama here’s a sneak preview.

Crowley: After a flip of the coin President Obama will go first. Mr. Antoine Carl, a plumber from the Bronx has the first question.

“When are you guys gonna stop interrupting the prime time shows we watch with your lousy commercials?”

Obama:

Mister Carl I have to say I agree with you that political ads can be distracting. If you’re watching Made in Jersey and a Romney-Ryan ad comes on, I’m sure its infuriating to you. But I need to point out that these ads are paid for, just like every other advertisement. If you didn’t get one of our ads you would probably have to watch that Progressive Insurance ad with the weird lady who wears the bright red lipstick talking about car insurance. Listen, whenever she comes on, either Michelle or I grab the remote and hit the mute button. As your President I promise you that after I’m re-elected two things will happen: There won’t be any more Romney ads and I will direct the IRS to investigate the Progressive Insurance lady to see if we can arrange for her to do five years in a Federal penitentiary. I’m tired of looking at her too.

Romney:

May I call you Ant? Great! Let me say Ant that political ads are good for the business community. Millions of dollars are spent on ads and these dollars trickle down throughout the economy, creating jobs in the advertising, television, fashion and makeup industry just to name a few. This is where President Obama and I have huge differences. He wants to make the Progressive lady dependent on government and I want to help wealth creating ad agencies create jobs. And by the way Ant, take it from me, very few rich people can do their own plumbing. These ads are good for your business. I also think it’s clear that the President is out of touch with the issues facing most Americans. He didn’t even know that Made in Jersey has already been cancelled.

 Crowley. Thank you. Our next question comes from Mona Lisa Vito, an out of work hairdresser for twenty years from Brooklyn. Governor Romney will respond first. Miss Vito...

 “My fiancé, Vinny Gambini is a lawyer. He tells me the reason I can’t find work as a car mechanic is the government won’t pay to send me back to school so I can fix something more current than a 1964 Chevrolet Belair with a four barrel carb. What are you guys gonna do about it?”

Romney:

Miss Vito, have you asked your parents for a loan? That is really the way America was built, in the private sector, people helping people. Like you, my Dad was in the automobile industry and the government never gave him a dime. You see, we can’t keep spending money to train out of work hairdressers when in fact nearly every woman in America wants a haircut, a dye job or a perm. I have to say I am surprised that you are out of work. I’ll bet the government didn’t pay for your hairdresser education. Why not take advantage of the skills you have now and then use the extra money from all the tips you get to cover the costs of auto mechanic school? My opponent would like to send everyone back to school which would, as I have said repeatedly during this campaign, make even more Americans dependent on government. We can’t afford it and if I’m elected President, government will get out of the way of our free enterprise system so people like yourself can go to work. My secret plan will create 12 million jobs, Miss Vito. I’m sure there’s one with your name on it.

Obama:

That’s the problem with Governor Romney’s entire campaign. He is very successful and he earned his money, make no bones about it. But he can’t see that there are people out there who are hurting. If you’ve been an out of work hairdresser for twenty years, chances are you are eligible for Social Security disability. You don’t even have to go back to school or work. Now I didn’t create the disability program, I inherited it just like I did the disastrous economy left by George W. Bush. Governor Romney wants to take us back to those years where the problems started in the first place. By the way, Miss Vito, can you tell me what the correct ignition timing would be on a 1958 Rambler? I have one sitting in my garage at the White House. I’ll give you 50 bucks if you can get it started for me.

And so it goes…       

 

Moving Pains

We’re moving. After 14 years in the same house we decided it was time to downsize. It’s a season in life thing, you know? We were lucky, very lucky. Our home sold in just two weeks. The buyers though, wanted us out in five weeks. Trust me; that isn't a lot of time to clean closets you last looked in the day you moved into the house. Don’t even mention the attic, the garage or the crawl space.

The idea of moving into a brand new home is exciting. It’s the kind of thing that starts with a Sunday afternoon drive and one of those “What if we…” conversations. Next thing you know the papers are signed and you’re looking forward to a new adventure. Like a hangover, it hits you on the morning after. There may be a few things you never thought of while you were deciding what color to paint your new dining room. You actually have to move. Packing, a lot of packing is involved. Still you tend to underestimate the pain factor.

For one thing, you have some tough decisions to make. Not like what to do about Iran and its potential nuclear capability. That’s easy. We’re talking about what to do with fine china that doesn’t even make an appearance on Thanksgiving anymore. If you are even thinking about moving I have some friendly advice.     

            If you own any firearms, baseball bats or an archery bow, be sure to pack them first and send them to a neutral third party. Consider packing the knives and any other sharp objects you have as well. These simple steps will ensure that neither you nor your spouse will use them on each other. You will both be overtired and emotional. Listen: Over the last two weeks there were moments when I pondered the idea that my new address might well be a maximum security cell in the penitentiary rather than Nolensville, Tennessee.

            Permit me to explain. Before any actual packing begins you have to decide what to keep, what to give to Goodwill and what to put out on trash day. If you’ve been married a long time like we have, unless you suffer from clutter phobia, there is no way you don’t have stuff you should have discarded years ago. When my wife went through one of our closets and agonized over whether to get rid of a dress that was still cellophane wrapped with the dry cleaner label from New Jersey, I berated myself for not having a divorce lawyer on speed dial. We left New Jersey 18 years ago. That dress and its many friends in the closet have enjoyed luxury closet living in several states except when they inhabited expensive wardrobe boxes. I put my foot down. The dresses had to go.

            My wife could not have been kinder about it. She agreed that it was time to let some things go. Then she said, “Len, let’s look in the attic. I’m sure there are some things up there we can get rid of while we’re at it.” We did find a few items. Every speech I ever wrote for my Toastmasters club during the last 30 years was in one of the three filing cabinets I keep. There were income tax returns from the 1970s. And, there were letters, some going back 40 years. I patiently explained that one day those letters would come in handy when it was time to write my memoir. She rolled her eyes and pointed to the trash bag. I complied. She has a speed dial too.

            We went through a lot of paper. So much paper that the original estimate we got from the moving company was high. We’re talking thousands of pounds of paper. You think I’m exaggerating right? Want to know what it cost us to move from New Jersey to Tennessee in 1994? Interested in what our heating bill was for January 1978? Had you asked a week ago I could have told you. At long last these critical documents have met their maker; Shred-it. Of course we did consider retaining the services of Iron Mountain instead, but we came to our senses on that one thanks to a compromise. I get to keep one of my filing cabinets. That dress is moving with us to a closet in Nolensville.  

                         

 

Seriously? We need Fact Checkers?

President Washington says he loves America and will do whatever it takes to protect the environment. Yet he’s proud of chopping down the cherry tree. How many more trees will he chop down? You can make him stop. Vote for me on Election Day. I’m John Adams and I approved this message.

            Obviously, John Adams never ran an ad like this. Hardly anyone had a television in 1792. And fact checkers wouldn’t appear on the scene for another 220 years. They are a fact of life now though. With good reason I’m afraid.     

In his speech at the Republican Party’s convention last month, Mitt Romney said that Obama began his presidency with an apology tour. According to factchecker.org, the President did no such thing.   

In his speech to the Democratic national convention the President said U.S. automakers are “back on top of the world.” But factchecker.org says GM has slipped back to No. 2 and is headed for third place in global sales this year, behind Toyota and Volkswagen.

When our Presidential candidates are bending the truth or telling outright lies we all lose. There is an ocean of information for voters to wade through as they try to discern which candidate is more likely to move the nation in the right direction. It would help tremendously if we weren’t forced to distinguish information from misinformation. 

Am I the only one that’s bothered by the fact that we actually need organizations like factcheck.org and Pinocchio Tracker? If you’re running for President aren’t voters entitled to assurances that you won’t lie to us? You might think that presidential candidates would be highly insulted by the very accusation that they lied, that he or she would excoriate the person or organization making such a claim. Shouldn’t lying, at least the bold faced variety, disqualify a candidate from the race?

But that’s not the way it works in 2012, far from it. In fact, Romney pollster Neil Newhouse told an ABC News panel, “We’re not going to let our campaign be dictated by fact checkers.” He said this in response to accusations that a Romney ad suggesting that Obama was removing work requirements for welfare eligibility was dead wrong.

When Delaware Governor Jack Markel said at the Democratic National convention that Mitt Romney likes to fire people, he deliberately took the Governor’s words out of context. Romney was clearly referring to health insurance providers and the services they provide.  In fact, Romney was simply stating he likes to be able to fire people who don’t provide good service. Honestly, don’t we all? His comments had nothing whatsoever to do with taking pleasure in firing workers.

One of the most insidious effects of campaigns that play games with the truth is the way they distract us from the real issues. When Newt Gingrich called President Obama “the best food stamp president in American history,” there were charges that he was oversimplifying the issue. The number of people on food stamps rose in seven out of the eight years Bush was president, in part due to changes in program policy. It’s also true that Obama inherited an extremely distressed economy. Regardless, when the debate devolves into a he said/she said contest, there is very little room for useful debate. Is it too easy to get food stamps, just right too hard? If 15% of the population really needs food stamps, what are we going to do to solve the problem? Arguing over which political party is at fault or what the real numbers are is self defeating. If our candidates can’t even agree on facts, chances of finding a solution are obviously reduced.

Is it any wonder voters are cynical? We are being asked to choose between leaders who are cynical about voters. They ask for our trust but don’t trust us in return. Then there’s the cynical media circus. Filled mostly with partisans, they strangle the airwaves with minutiae which deprive us of facts, options and learned opinions to help us grasp the issues. The paradox of our times is that we live in an era when the issues are more complex than ever while the discussion becomes less sophisticated every election cycle.

In his farewell address George Washington said, “I hold the maxim no less applicable to public than to private affairs, that honesty is the best policy.”

   

Would 21st Century Media Destroy Wilson, Teddy and Taft?

Imagine if you will, running for President 100 years ago. Woodrow Wilson, a Democrat bested Theodore Roosevelt and William Howard Taft that year. A grand total of 15 million people voted in that election. A hundred years later we might well wish that one of them, any one of them, was running this year instead of the candidates we have.

            On the other hand, I wonder whether Wilson, Roosevelt and Taft would look any better than today’s candidates if they had to endure our 21^st century media circus. One tremendous advantage to running in 1912 was the absence of practically every utterance made by the candidates since they entered public life, preserved on video and easily transmitted digitally on a moment’s notice.

            Did the voters in the election of 1912 know that after graduating from the University of Virginia law school, Woodrow Wilson had a “feeble law practice for about a year?” Wilson’s father defended slavery and even owned slaves. The man didn’t learn to read until he was ten. One can only wonder what Fox News, had they existed back then, could have done with this kind of “critical” information? Yet, President Wilson is often ranked as one of the top ten Presidents of all time.

            Former President Theodore Roosevelt, the trust buster, the walk softly and carry a big stick guy; a Republican turned progressive, is a legendary American, good enough (and tough enough) to have his profile chiseled on Mount Rushmore.  Did you know Roosevelt also ran for mayor of New York City and only managed to finish third? That’s right, third! He would present some problems for the pundits who screech for MSNBC though. He really was a trust buster who increased regulation of businesses.

           Just yesterday I heard Rachel Maddow criticize Governor Romney for announcing his selection of Congressman Paul Ryan on a battleship. She found it galling that he would do that since neither he nor Ryan ever served in the military. Would she have chided Teddy for being a trust buster when he never ran a publicly traded company?

          And here’s one of Teddy’s many quotes to ponder. “A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.” In the political arena today would Roosevelt be accused of suggesting that higher education leads to crime? Try not to laugh. You know I’m right. Roosevelt also said, “A typical vice of American politics is the avoidance of saying anything real on real issues.” Some things never change. The first President Roosevelt also makes most top ten lists.

            In the very weight conscious society we live in today, President Taft’s image, the man weighed 350 pounds, would have been a problem for him. But far more devastating was what he said in a letter to Yale University in 1899, ten years before he became President. “I believe in God. I do not believe in the divinity of Christ, and there are many postulates of the orthodox creed to which I cannot subscribe.” If he was running this year how long would his candidacy last? Taft, another Republican, doesn’t make any top ten lists I can find, but he did solid work as President and was later appointed the nation’s 10^th Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. He is the only man to serve in both capacities.

            Considering how much scrutiny our Presidential candidates are subjected to now, it’s a wonder that anyone is willing to run for the office. I’ve seen video of Mitt Romney as a 23 year old working to support his mother’s candidacy for the US Senate. People mercilessly combed through his comments, looking for inconsistencies. I would hate to be on the record for something I said at that age. We are all works in progress. Jesse Jackson said it very well in his speech at the Democratic National Convention in 1984, when he was 42 years old. “As I develop and serve, be patient. God is not finished with me yet.”   

            Regardless of your preference in this year’s Presidential election, be slow to judge either candidate simply by what they say or the gaffes they will surely utter. Be wary of the pundits who need controversy to get you to tune in and are never happier then when they appear clever with words. Whoever wins will have an enormous job ahead of him. The problems we face are large enough that if our next President succeeds in solving them, there might well be a spot for him on Mount Rushmore.              

 Copyright 2012, Len Serafino. All rights reserved.

Will They Deconstruct Sheriff Andy Taylor Too?

Sheriff Andy Taylor has died, rest in peace Andy. Hopefully, your unblemished ride as Mayberry’s sheriff will never be over. Unlike real life heroes, scriptwriters made you near perfect. It would be exceedingly hard to write a revisionist history of your life, filled with minor blemishes and major warts.

            In real life though, we’ve seen generations of great American leaders pilloried by pretenders insisting they write to set the record straight while really wanting to secure a major book deal. Add a lucrative movie deal while we’re at it. Knocking JFK, MLK, LBJ, FDR, and a few of the founding fathers off their high perches has brought wealth and even fame to some but at what cost? Have we as a nation truly benefitted knowing that canonization of America’s historical leaders might be too much?  
          When we were a naïve people we willingly trusted leaders to do the right thing, to insist on fair play, you know, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, Yankee Doodle Dandy, Saving Private Ryan. In the process perhaps we gave them something to live up to. We are cynical now. We don’t trust our leaders and it isn’t our fault. Leaders refuse to lead. They won’t make the hard choices or even discuss them honestly. And why should they? What exactly is the payoff for all that work, and bold risks, an unauthorized e-book biography? We’re pretty much on our own now.
            When Andy Griffith died many people felt a personal loss. It may be a bit hard to grasp why when so few of us have ever met the man. Who knows what he was really like as a husband, a boss, or at a cocktail party? Did he have many friends who stood by him regardless of where life took him? I suppose much of our feelings of loss relate to what his TV alter ego, Andy Taylor represented. Andy was a living, breathing example of how to live one’s life. Play by the rules, shoot straight, and be kind to one and all, an American way of life.
           Can you possibly imagine a TV studio bringing back that show, based in Mayberry with the same characters? Would the fact that so many of them weren’t married be titillating today? Andy was single. So was Barney. Thelma Lou, Gomer, Goober, Howard and Otis, the town drunk, were single. Aunt Bee was single too. I’ll bet it never crossed your mind right? I certainly never thought of it until I read Ramon Presson’s fine piece on Andy Griffith in the Charlotte Observer. Imagine the story lines today’s geniuses would conjure.
            And that got me to thinking about how polluted so-called sitcom writing is today. In the 1960s when The Andy Griffith Show was popular, the writers built their stories around the character that lay deep within each of the show’s characters. Barney may have been a meddling fool, easily duped by strangers in town, but Barney was never put in a position where he might get Thelma Lou pregnant and then have to choose between marrying her and cajoling her into terminating the pregnancy. What would today’s writers do if Sheriff Taylor discovered small time counterfeiters setting up shop in Mayberry? Would he catch them in the act, confiscate the fake bills and send them to justice?  Or, would viewers be treated to a morally ambiguous storyline where the town’s unemployed are buying some much needed goods with bogus twenties, facing deprivation if Andy shuts down the pipeline?      
           Listen: I have no interest in debating either the merits of lifestyle choices available to us today or the notion that everything is relative. I’m merely pointing out that Andy Taylor’s reputation is safe only until some addled network executives, out of real life heroes to knock down a peg, decide to go after fictional characters too.  

The Andy Griffith Show is still on almost every night because people still watch, even when they know the storylines by heart. Why? Well, I don’t know why but if I had to guess, I would say it’s because people never stop hoping that life can be the way they see it in Mayberry. In spite of countless examples to the contrary in every aspect of our lives, we stubbornly hope for a country where the generations get along, men and women respect each other, kids are safe playing kid games and above all we care about each other.

Otis locked himself in the cell to sleep off a bender. Wonder what he would see if he didn’t wake up until today?      

Copyright 2012, Len Serafino. All rights reserved.

Bottomley Watermelons

Ever heard of Bottomley watermelons? Neither have I until this morning. I was shopping at Home Depot. Now don’t you go thinking I’m handy. I was just there to find some heavy duty felt pads to attach to a tray I’m using to make a portable standup desk. (Call me if you know how to attach them to a wooden surface.)

            As I walked into the store though, I noticed two very large and sturdy cardboard boxes filled with watermelons. There was a handwritten sign that said, “Bottomley Watermelons.” My first thought was, am I getting so forgetful that I wandered into a Whole Foods store instead of Home Depot? A quick scan of the surrounding area quickly confirmed that I was in Home Depot; wood, paint, power tools, kitchen and bath fixtures.

My next thought was why Home Depot would be selling watermelons, not to mention what must be an upscale brand of watermelon?  Why else would you point out a brand name for a watermelon? Since I never heard of Bottomley, I decided to ask the nice people wearing Home Depot aprons what exactly a Bottomley watermelon is.

Guess what? No one had the slightest idea. I asked three employees. Two offered what they admitted were guesses. One guessed it was a type of watermelon. The other guessed it was a brand. Turns out the guy who guessed brand was correct. Thanks to the World Wide Web it’s almost too easy these days to get information that is critical to your day if not your life. Bottomley Farms, located in Ennice, North Carolina is the grower of the Bottomley watermelon. Ennice is a small town located in Alleghany County; with just under 11,000 residents...that’s the county, not the town.

 When I got the watermelon home I noticed that the label on the melon didn’t mention Bottomley. In fact it said seedless watermelons distributed by ABL Farms. And below that, grown and packed by WJ Produce which it so happens is located in Cordele, Georgia. ABL Farms –they also grow watermelons, is based in Forest Park, GA. Where exactly do these watermelons come from? Am I eating watermelon on a scorching hot day that was born and raised in the rich soil of North Carolina or the red clay of Georgia? And, who watered my watermelon? After all, watermelon is 92% water. Don’t I have a right to know the source of all that water?

As you can imagine I was quite concerned about the potential problems that might occur if I didn’t like the watermelon. I mean sure, I can always sue Home Depot, but as every red blooded American knows, it never hurts to sue several parties. So should it be Bottomley Farms? ABL Farms? And what about WJ Produce? I made a few calls. I had to get to the bottom of this before I took even one bite of watermelon.

Joyce, the J in WJ Produce, was pretty sure she and her husband grew those watermelons.

She also admitted she knew about the watermelon sale to Home Depot. She was very candid actually, possibly because she had absolutely nothing to hide. She also acknowledged that she sold her melons to ABL Farms. Of course I called ABL next, hot on the trail of a bait and switch watermelon scandal. I’ll be writing for the New York Times baby.

But then, things got a little confusing. The young lady I spoke with wasn’t sure about what might have happened. She was very professional. She took down my name and phone number and promised to speak with Danny. And to his credit, Danny called me right away, another one with nothing to hide.

But let me tell you something: I am like a dog with a bone when I have an unanswered question burning inside me. You better believe I called Bottomley Farms. And just like that the mystery was solved. Teresa told me that Bottomley Farms does grow watermelons and that Home Depot ordered them from Bottomley. Home Depot also gets their Halloween pumpkins and Christmas trees from Bottomley. Perhaps Bottomley didn’t have enough watermelons to sell Home Depot. So they bought them from ABL Farms who got them from WJ Produce. Case closed, almost. I suppose I should be disappointed. My muckraking days are off to a very rocky start. But I’m not disappointed. I just tasted the watermelon. It’s delicious.    

Copyright 2012, Len Serafino. All rights reserved.               

The Fortune Cookie Incident

My friend John, who lives in a suburb of Tacoma Washington, wrote me today to suggest I write about fortune cookies. Thanks for the suggestion John. After five plus years of writing the Observer I need all the help I can get. What got John interested in the subject stems from his recent lunch with a customer at a Chinese buffet. Like most of us, I’m sure John looked forward to getting his fortune cookie along with the bill at the end of the meal. Much to his chagrin however, both fortune cookies contained typos! As Barry McGuire sang, surely we’re on the eve of destruction now. One fortune read, “Good things are coming to you in due of time.” The other one said, “Watch your relations without other people carefully, he reserved.” There is an extra word in the first fortune and two wrong words in the second one, embarrassing I know. John probably felt if the Chinese, whose century may be upon us, are getting sloppy, perhaps everything is lost. He went on to question why we should assume that the Chinese are so knowledgeable. Even if the fortunes are spelled right they tend to be vague. And the cookie itself is by no means a better dessert than say, chocolate ice cream, not to mention chocolate pudding. I’m sure a few of you are way ahead of me here. The Chinese fortune cookie is an American invention. The Chinese don’t even serve or eat them in China. In fact, twenty years ago attempts were made to sell fortune cookies in China but the concept was rejected as too American. According to Wikipedia there are approximately 3 billion fortune cookies made each year, most of them consumed right here in the good old USA. The largest manufacturer of the cookies is Wonton Food Inc., headquartered in Brooklyn. Not that any of this should spoil the fun of breaking open a fortune cookie and reading the slip of paper tucked inside. Just for that moment, don’t we all secretly hope we are about to be treated to a useful insight that changes our life’s direction or a prediction that we are about to enjoy unparalleled success, unbridled joy or unlimited power? Yes, the actual fortune is often trite and disappointing but so what? The delicious anticipation, however brief or mindless it may be, keeps us coming back for more. Admit it, when the waiter left an extra cookie the last time you were at your favorite Chinese restaurant, you seized it before anyone else could act on the impulse and treated yourself to an extra banality, didn’t you? And never mind the fortune, should you actually eat the fortune cookie? There is a healthy debate about whether one should eat the whole cookie, part of the cookie or not eat it at all. Is it okay to pick your own cookie? Should you ever touch someone else’s fortune cookie? Do you eat the cookie first or read the fortune first? There don’t appear to be any hard and fast rules about these matters but there are lots of opinions. Eating the whole cookie might be necessary if you want your fortune to come true, for example. On the other hand, eating any part of the cookie or too little or too much of the cookie, could mean a wasted fortune. Some people believe you have to get the tiny slip of paper out without breaking the cookie or you won’t get that promotion the fortune promised. I can’t imagine how people with thick fingers would have any chance to benefit from ancient wisdom if that’s the rule. It’s hard enough to manage a pair of chopsticks. Of course if I find a way to get the fortune out using chopsticks would my good fortune multiply? It’s exhausting just thinking about these things. I wish those Chinese-American fortunes my friend John got the other day, probably printed and stuffed in the exotic Far East location of Brooklyn, had been checked more carefully by the quality assurance staff. In my research though, I did find one Chinese fortune I liked. I hope John gets it the next time he dines at his favorite Chinese buffet: You should pay for this check…be generous. Copyright Len Serafino, 2012. All rights reserved.

Tennis Players: We’re a Different Breed

The French Open, one of tennis’s major championships each year, is nearing the final rounds. This one’s claim to fame, aside from being played in Paris, is the red clay courts. Watching the power, speed and unfathomable shot making of seeded and unseeded players alike, I found myself thinking about the game and club level play. I’ve been playing tennis now for seven years, not long actually. Unlike my golf game which I gave up for tennis, I occasionally see some improvement. One of the beauties of the game is that older people can play it and in some cases, play with considerable skill. While games like basketball, baseball and football are meant to be watched after a certain age, tennis is a game you can play with gusto even as an octogenarian. Yes, golf is another game you can play well into your later years and for those who enjoy chasing a little white sphere through all corners of manicured parks I say, hit ‘em straight. For me nothing is more exhilarating than a good tennis match even if I’m not very good. Tennis players I think are a different breed. There is a good deal of camaraderie on the court between games, especially in doubles. Yet, once the server sends the yellow ball over the net, the battle is on. For my money, tennis may be the last game where combatants who face off against each other, manage to remain civil at all times. Civility is integral to the game and it’s evident at all levels of play from the pros to club level. Players don’t scream at each other. The chair umpire is highly unlikely to be called upon to break up a fistfight between the players. That’s not to say that I would mind seeing a fight break out between say, Jimmy Connors and John McEnroe just for old time’s sake. Of course, tennis players can be a bit quirky. It’s rare for players to brag about an incredible backhand. Few players will gloat over wiping the floor with an opponent 6-0, 6-0. But there is a tendency to brag about how much your knees are killing you or the tennis elbow you’ve been playing through for eleven years. My favorite opponent, by the way is the one who starts the match by informing me he is playing with only one knee and forgot his prescription glasses, so would I please go easy on him. I like this guy because I know I can relax. I am about to get a colorful, stiff beating. The guys who are really good at this (or sadistic if you will) are the ones who let you take the first game or two, actually hitting the ball as if the object of the game was to hit the ball into the net on two bounces. Just as you begin to feel sorry for him, he suddenly starts hitting miraculous passing shots. By the time you adjust, the match is over and he’s having a cigarette. It’s common too for players to prescribe remedies for various ailments. Over the years I’ve learned that a shot of cortisone is a complete and total cure for tennis elbow. On the other hand I’ve also learned that cortisone is useless and may cause me to see three balls coming at me instead of the usual two I see after hydrating with Jack Daniels instead of water. And don’t get into a discussion about the wonders of Aleve with anybody. You can spot the players who have crossed over from tennis enthusiast to a warped, obsessive compulsive tennis disorder by the way the OCD player talks about Aleve as a dietary supplement. One thing that is different about tennis players versus golfers is I have never met a tennis player who secretly thinks he could be on the professional tour. Some golfers will suggest that if they had more time to hone their game, they could be on the tour, at least the senior tour. Tennis players don’t suffer such delusions about their game. For one thing most players peak before they reach 25. For another, when you’re playing mixed doubles and a 50 something woman who just took the game up three weeks ago cleans your clock, perspective dawns easily. If you’ve never picked up a tennis racquet, I encourage you to do so. You can’t beat the exercise and you cannot help but meet interesting, kind and encouraging people who want nothing more than to ace you on their next serve. Copyright 2012, Len Serafino. All rights reserved.

Correcting Faulty Assumptions about Older Workers

My friend Tom sent me a link to a blog post bemoaning the fact that people over the age of 50 looking for work will face discrimination. Never mind it’s illegal. It happens. According to the blog post, younger hiring managers have several pre-conceived notions about older workers. One is we will want higher salaries. Another is we’re low energy. Still a third assumption is we’re not up to date on the latest technologies. Are they right? When it comes to salary requirements, they’re probably right. Older workers do have an established standard of living and hard won experience tends to justify a higher salary. The other assumptions though are troublesome. Exactly how does a prospective 50 or 60 something year old person demonstrate that they have high energy? And while talking about technology is fairly easy to do, tech talk alone probably won’t convince a hiring manager that we really get it; that is understand how technology is being used in today’s marketplace. Except maybe for the obvious part, which is the destruction of jobs and even entire industries, older workers may miss the finer points of social media’s advantages. In my opinion job seekers over 50 must take dramatic action if they want to be taken seriously by prospective employers. Throw caution to the wind. Be the bold risk taker. I’ll tell you this much, words alone aren’t going to persuade a 35 year old interviewer that you are a wireless, tireless, 24/7 wild-eyed workaholic. You want to get that job? My advice is to use the very technology they doubt you’re familiar with to make a lasting and positive impression that gets you hired. First, be sure to set up a Skype interview. What better way to let your interviewer know you not only have an I-Pad but you can do more than turn it on and play games? Note: Your costume for the interview is critical to making the point that you are bursting with energy. May I suggest gym shorts, muscle t-shirt, Nike sneakers and a sweatband? I want your hair tousled, sweat stains under your arms and perspiration on your face. Two cell phones should be placed strategically nearby in full view. If there is any chance either phone might go off, make sure the ring tone is Maroon 5 and not the Jackson 5. Finally, make sure your tennis racquet is nearby and a Bow-flex is clearly visible behind you. You’re an animal, got it? Your script: “Good morning, (glance at your power watch, its face the size of a Moon Pie) I’m Chris. Thanks for your time so early this morning. I’m 60 years old. No doubt you can see that in the wrinkles on my face and the gray in my thinning hair. (Move camera in for a close-up) My apologies for my appearance but I just got off the tennis court. I’m not one to brag, but it really felt special beating young Raphael in straight sets this morning. I assume you have the resume I emailed you. Based on my background and experience and the 749 recommendations on my Linkedin profile, I think it’s fair to say I’m fully qualified for the job. Excuse me for a moment please. I just remembered I need to tweet something real quick while I do 25 one-handed pushups. (Do the pushups counting them off) May I speak frankly? I think my only chance today is to clear up any age related misconceptions you may have. As you can see I’m physically active. I’m also constantly challenging myself intellectually. I just started taking Tango lessons, Argentine of course, and next week I will complete an advanced course in Chinese. You’re obviously a good deal younger than I am. Some managers struggle with that but I hope you won’t. I don’t want your job. Listen: Our age difference is a good thing for exactly the same reasons it’s a good thing when a 40 year old hires someone 25. Their needs are different. You’re 35 and I’m 60. You want to reach the top of the corporate world. I now want the same thing I did when I was 25; to be taken seriously. Now, honestly, do you feel my age is a concern?” My script may not land you the job of your dreams, but if you work out enough so you can actually do those one-handed pushups, surely good things will happen. Copyright 2012, Len Serafino. All rights reserved.

Bostonian Flexaire $19.95

My favorite ad was one by Continental Airlines that boasted, “You can buy your ticket on the plane.” Fifty years ago this month Time Magazine ran that ad. A lot can change in 50 years. You can hardly buy a Coke on the plane today without three forms of identification. In 1962 you could buy a Botany 500 suit for $69.50 and dress it up with Bostonian Flexaire shoes for just $19.95. Botany 500, originally a Philadelphia based firm doesn’t appear to exist anymore but you can still buy Bostonian shoes for about 10 times the 1962 price. Leafing through several issues of Time Magazine dating back to 1962 is an interesting exercise. I heartily recommend it to those old enough to remember the year 1962, and those too young to believe that there ever was an actual year 1962. In historic terms 50 years isn’t very long. The magazine itself only goes back 88 years to 1923. There are several things you can’t miss even with only a cursory look at the magazine. The pages weren’t glossy, there was very little color photography and to say women and minorities were under represented is a gross understatement. One of the ads I loved, placed by Goodyear Tires, typifies the way we were back then. They introduced the “Captive-air Double Eagle by pointing out that a Double Eagle won’t go flat. It “carries the load for up to 100 miles until you or your wife can conveniently stop for service.” I guess back then women weren’t expected to be customers for tires. The ads then were directed mostly at men. Just a couple of years later Goodyear dipped a cautious toe into the women’s market in a backhanded way, running ads that showed a woman trying to change a tire herself but the ad was directed at man’s responsibility to keep his wife out of such predicaments. One ad that startled me was one placed by the Blue Cross Association which pointed out that Blue Cross paid out over $1.3 billion dollars in benefits in 1961. This was before Medicare and Medicaid of course. In those days Blue Cross all but owned the health insurance market. So that number probably was a reasonably good indicator of what the nation was spending on health care back then. Even if it was double that amount including out of pocket expenses, it was a pittance compared to recent years. In 2010 we spent $2.6 trillion! While our population hasn’t quite doubled in the last 50 years our healthcare expenditures are nothing less than breathtaking. One thing some advertisers did back then was include prices in their ads, something you rarely see now. Kings Men after shave went for a buck a bottle. A Ronson Big Daddy electric shaver (which “ate beards for breakfast”) could be had for just $29.50 A Zenith Piedmont, transistorized, space command, remote control TV was advertised at $575. Unlike healthcare by the way, you can buy a Zenith 50” Class 720P Plasma HDTV for $499 today. Somehow inflation got knocked completely out of the box when it came to TVs. If healthcare services were like televisions, healthcare would cost less now than it did in 1961. And x-rays would be available on wide color screens in high definition. Some of the captions that appeared in news stories would be anathema today. Oscar Brown, Jr. singer-song writer was described as a “hip negro folk poet. for example. Then there was a picture of First Lady, Jacqueline Kennedy watching a mongoose fight a cobra. The caption: “A treat for an animal lover?” And of course there were some questionable claims like Florsheim Shoes. Their ad claimed, “Florsheim introduces the square toe and again changes the shape of the nation.” And you thought the social upheaval of the Sixties was responsible for a changing nation. Western Union placed a full page ad that simply said, “To be sure to get action, send a telegram.” Imagine what the Madman who wrote that line would do with a Tweet. Looking back at the way news and advertisements were presented in the past can be a very enjoyable experience. If you were alive during the period you’re studying, it gives you a fresh perspective and can even confirm events you think you remember but wouldn’t bet on. It can also clarify and even correct some ideas you have about why the world is shaped the way it is today. If nothing else, it can make you wish you could take advantage of those Bostonians for $19.95. Copyright 2012, Len Serafino. All rights reserved.

Everybody Knows Everything Now

The other day my friend Richard said, “We now live in a world where everybody knows everything. It’s not what you know that matters anymore. It’s what you do with what you know.” Richard’s comment succinctly points out that anyone with access to a Web browser can know almost anything they would like to know in a flash. It’s changing the way we teach and the way we communicate.
Yesterday I met a pediatrician who’s been teaching medical students in a nearby medical school for ten years. I asked him, “What’s changed since you started teaching?” He told me the biggest change is that they are teaching students a good deal more about how to find the information they’re looking for from reliable sources rather than relying on memorization. He said, “It’s pretty easy to find how to treat a disease state but what we worry about is a doctor’s ability to determine which disease to look for.” He added, “Doctors need to learn how to observe patients, talk to them and above all, listen.” Apparently those skills are still not emphasized in medical school. Finally, he said, “Memorizing certain things is still important but it isn’t as critical as it once was.”
I for one am practically overwhelmed by the reality of having so much information at our fingertips. As a writer I’m delighted to have such easy access to so many sources of information. Then again, there aren’t many good defenses for getting the facts wrong anymore. And precious few excuses for postponing my writing when research is such a snap.
On a visit to the local library recently, browsing in the reference section, I came across the Reader’s Guide to Periodical Literature. Most of you will recall that the Guide provides an index of articles from selected popular periodicals published in the 20th and 21st centuries. In ancient times, before the World Wide Web, we used the Guide to find information we were looking for when we had term papers to write. No doubt some of you recall writing down the desired article references on small pieces of white note paper so you could search through heavy, bound editions of magazines or; if you were unlucky, be required to work your way through endless reels of microfilm. All this just so you could find the three sentences you needed to support your rebellious contention that Matthew Arnold’s Dover Beach had nothing to do with religion. If you haven’t visited the reference section of your local library recently you might be surprised by the changes you encounter. For starters, you won’t need any tiny white slips of paper.
The Guide is still available of course, on line now. And, instead of simply providing a list of various topics, the magazine’s name, edition and page numbers, you can now click your way right to the article you need to prove your brother-in-law is an idiot. To make it even easier to get at what you are searching for, our local library (and perhaps yours?) doesn’t even order a hard copy of the Reader’s Guide to Periodical Literature anymore. In fact they buy Gale Publishing products and make them available on line from home to anyone with a library card.
While pointing and clicking certainly saves us a lot of time, I do wonder if speed itself robs us of needed time to reflect on the information we’ve gathered. Over the years I have learned the hard way that as it is with driving well over the speed limit, speed in communication can have deleterious results. There was a certain value I think in the labor involved in research. Limited time and tired eyes often forced us to return to the library a few times to get what we needed. We had time to reflect and consider what message we wanted to send. Celebrities are plagued in my opinion, by live microphones, texts and tweets. A thoughtless comment is nearly impossible to catch up to, let alone fix. Ozzie Guillen, the manager of the Miami Marlins is struggling with that problem right now. He isn’t the first and he won’t be the last.
I love having information easily at my fingertips. Yet, I pray that what’s on the tip of my tongue doesn’t make me long for the days when knowledge played hard to get. As Richard said, it’s what we do with what we know that matters.

Copyright 2012, Len Serafino All rights reserved.

Goodbye Youth

My friend Ann sent me an email the other day describing her sister Patricia’s application for Social Security. I think Patricia’s words on the subject of reaching this milestone, one that few of us ever thought would actually arrive, captured the essence of the baby boom generation. When she completed her on line application she hit the send button and said, “Goodbye youth."
Yes it’s a funny line, certainly uttered tongue-in-check. The reason I’m sure Pat’s words were said tongue-in-cheek is that no respectable boomer is prepared to acknowledge old-age and we probably never will. Never mind that Social Security was specifically designed to assist the elderly in their later years. Remember that Social Security may also be described by the acronym OASDI, as in Old-Age, Survivors, and Disability Insurance, a term younger people and more than a few baby boomers are probably not familiar with. Not that baby boomers would actually cotton to the alternative definition.
Baby boomers invented the youth culture. We’ve been pushing back the boundaries of age for many years now. Many of our contemporaries are as active as they were in their 30s. Some are probably more active, still brimming with ideas, hopes and dreams. Believe me a simple matter like a monthly check from the Federal Government is hardly enough to make us feel old! Did you know there are now 13 million people under the age of 65 receiving Social Security thanks to the program’s disability provision? Obviously eligibility for Social Security alone isn’t a useful guideline to determine old age.
I don’t know very many boomers who act like senior citizens. As it turns out there is a great deal of truth in the saying, “You are only as old as you feel.” The Pew Research Center surveyed 3,000 people between the ages of 18 and well over 65 to get their views on old age. On average people suggested old age begins at 68. But if you ask people who are 65 and older they will tell you old age begins at 74. The survey also found that only 35% of respondents 75 and older said they felt old.
One of my friends, 63, is spending countless hours trying to land an executive level position in a high tech industry. The obstacles are many but after a full year of searching he soldiers on. Don’t bet against him. He doesn’t see his age in a youth oriented business as a barrier. Why should he? He considers himself youthful.
Another guy, over 70 recently spent a hefty sum for a top of the line electronic Lowrey organ. He takes lessons and occasionally performs. Frank would no more sit on the front porch watching life go by than any hip 40 year old.
I know a 60 year old woman who works long hours managing a medical practice and still has the energy to go ballroom dancing three or four nights a week. I play tennis several times a week and the vast majority of my playing partners are also in their sixties.
I know still others who volunteer their time, like my friend Bob who drives chemotherapy patients to and from their treatment sessions.
Too soon old, too late smart is a proverb, reportedly Dutch, which many people of a certain age fully appreciate. In the case of baby boomers, and perhaps generations to come, some of the sting may be taken out of the old saying. We do have a lot more energy in our later years than our ancestors did and we have many, many more opportunities to do useful, important and even smart things. More than ever the world needs wisdom and willingness to set right what has gone wrong. The fabled ‘60s were an exciting time. How grand would it be to come full circle and make this time our generation’s finest hour? And we’ll know we are groovin’ when someone coins the phrase, “Don’t trust anybody over 80.”

Copyright Len Serafino, 2012. All rights reserved.

Need Extra Cash? Sell Naming Rights

When professional sports teams started offering naming rights as a new profit center or a way to defray the cost of building a new stadium or arena, I thought it was an annoying practice. I was very much afraid that my beloved Yankee Stadium might one day be called Pizza Hut Yankee Stadium or Trump Yankee Stadium. Surely the House that Ruth Built deserves better. The sad fact is that companies don’t always have fetching names, suitable for adorning the arena of your favorite sports team. Take the University of Louisville. A couple of years ago they opened a new basketball arena with the name KFC Yum Center for a moniker. Say it: “I’m going to the Yum center tonight.” It could have been worse. When the Houston Astros opened their park in 2000, the stadium was named Enron Field. It’s Minute Maid Park now. Better for sure but again, I’m very happy that Minute Maid Park is an Astros thing and not a prefix to Yankee Stadium. At least the Coca-Cola Company, which owns Minute Maid, didn’t insist on calling the stadium Minute Maid Grove.
And naming rights aren’t limited to professional sports. High schools are doing it too. Consider the Tennessee Credit Union Academy of Business and Finance, Antioch High School in Nashville (long enough for you?) or the Poland Springs Arena at Toms River High School, North in New Jersey. Shouldn’t a high school in Maine have snapped that one up first?
This is really just the tip of the iceberg. Did you know that respected universities are offering people the opportunity to sponsor bathrooms and even bathroom stalls? Yes, according to a Time magazine article this week, the University of Pennsylvania has a bathroom lined with plaques noting, “This relief you are experiencing is made possible by a gift from Michael Zinman.”
I have no idea why Mr. Zinman would want this type of recognition but I find it even more curious that universities would stoop so low. This country went through the great depression in the 1930s without resorting to bathroom stall naming rights. I wonder how long it would have taken back then for a university board of trustees to dismiss a university president for suggesting such an outrageous idea. An hour I’ll bet.
Regardless, it won’t be long now before the floodgates are open. Everything we see and touch will come with naming rights, individualized too, like urinals. Here are my predictions for future naming rights deals. Remember you heard it first here.
Federal Government buildings. With the deficit crisis seemingly unsolvable, naming rights seems like a natural solution. Picture the Statue of Liberty with a Nilla Wafer instead of a torch. Of course the wafer would light up at night for all to see. Imagine if you will what the Ford Motor company could do with the Lincoln Memorial. Of course they’ll have to get rights secured before Lincoln National Life Insurance gets wind of the opportunity. And then there’s our United States Capitol, home of our Congress. The very thought of the largest lobbying firms bidding for the naming rights to that plum is thrilling. We could cut the deficit in half.
The U.S. Postal Service, another financially troubled agency is certainly a fantastic naming rights opportunity. Think NASCAR without the speed. Postal workers will one day wear uniforms adorned with ads for fried chicken, cereal, and software just to name a few. And postal delivery trucks are another potential boon to advertisers. Considering the steady drop in snail mail, the trucks will soon be smaller. New vehicle designs will be smaller mimicking race cars we see whipping around Talladega, Pocono and Darlington; loaded with ads for everything from M&Ms to GoDaddy.com.
On a more personal level, individuals should be able to get in on the act too. This is America right? Some people already put ads on their cars but once we get more comfortable with the concept and advertisers get even more aggressive than they are now, we are looking at a cradle to grave opportunity. How about offering naming rights for your baby? “Big Mac Jonathan Smolinski” has a ring to it for example. And, when our lives are over, there is plenty of space on our caskets. Imagine being able to defray the cost of your funeral by selling naming rights to your coffin. Don’t expect too much though. People will only view it for a day or two. “Say it with flowers” might be a good choice.

Copyright 2012, Len Serafino. All rights reserved.

Boogie Oogie Oogie

I’m 64 now. Yeah it happened about 3 weeks ago. I can’t say that living six plus decades has made me wiser. But, to paraphrase something novelist Kurt Vonnegut once said, why ask me what to do? The earth has been around for billions of years. I just got here. One thing I am certain of though is that there are some things you shouldn’t do after a certain age like dancing fast to a song like say, Boogie Oogie Oogie in public. Take my word for it you don’t move the way you did when you were twenty-something. You may remember the song, recorded by A Taste of Honey. My favorite line is “We’re gonna boogie oogie oogie until you just can’t boogie no more.” In the privacy of my own home I tried to do just that. Thirteen seconds and I couldn’t boogie-oogie no more. I never would have made it that long had it not been for the oxygen my wife was feeding me.
You know, you can play a mean game of tennis at 64 (Not me but I’ve seen it done.) You can cook a gourmet meal complete with a rich dessert and select an elegant wine to go with it. What you can’t do is eat it. You have to choose between the Chateaubriand and Chateauneuf-du- Pape. While everyone else is enjoying cherries jubilee, you’re nibbling on a ½ inch square of dark chocolate and I do mean 80% cocoa.
Another thing that never really looks good after the age of 60 is a man behind the wheel of a sports car even if it’s a Ferrari. As you’re turning the corner with your lamb skin gloves wrapped around the steering wheel, you can’t help notice that heads are turning. Feels good but deep down you must know the girls…and the guys are snickering. If you’re over 60 and you have that kind of bread, give it to charity if you want to impress. Remember: When you get out of that little red car your knees will still hurt.
Then there are the long working hours we used to take for granted. Business travel, time zone changes and high pressure stakes made your heart sing. Long distance travel in the twilight hours of your career gives you heartburn and high blood pressure makes your ears ring.
A friend of mine pointed out that Hillary Clinton, also 64 is still a globe trotter who keeps long hours and is at the top of her game. Yeah, but I’ll bet she doesn’t cut her own lawn on Saturdays. And let’s face it, she is a world leader constantly stimulated by global crises and the march of history. Suppose she was selling yogurt franchises, promising prospects a new flavor every other month? How stimulating would that be for someone just a year shy of Medicare eligibility? Her best hope for stimulation in that situation? Accidentally dropping her hair dryer in a stopped up, water filled sink in her motel room.
Here’s something else you shouldn’t do in your sixties. Criticize younger people for their work ethic, their manners or their lifestyles. Of course we don’t understand them. We were born under drastically different conditions. The world has changed so much and more than once in their short lifetimes. Most of them are doing the best they can. I recently had a job change that brought me into regular contact with young co-workers. Know what? They are smart and hard working. They’re ambitious and respectful, even patient with an old timer even if he just can’t boogie no more.

High Unemployment: Are IQ Scores to Blame?

"Someone in America who has a 90-point IQ is qualified for many fewer jobs today than he was 100 years ago." Warren Buffett

I read that quote in a recent edition of Time magazine. It shocked me and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since I read it. In a Presidential election year when jobs and the economy are the primary battleground between the candidates, a statistic like this is more than a little bit worrisome. According to the Wechsler Intelligence Scales, an IQ score in the range of 90 to 99 is classified as in the normal intelligence range. A score of 90 has been labeled elsewhere as low average.
According to the Mega Foundation, a non-profit organization dedicated to developing programs that aid the very gifted, people with IQ's of 90-110 generally occupy semi-skilled positions, including typists, receptionists, assembly line workers, and checkout clerks. People in this category are not usually successful in completing college. Other research indicates about 46% of the public fall into this category.
Is it possible that one reason we are in a period of seemingly intractable unemployment is that there just aren’t enough jobs suitable for the many people who fall into a functional but lower IQ range? Historically, when we had a bustling manufacturing industry, jobs that didn’t require a college degree were plentiful. In the 21st century’s high-tech, instantaneous, information driven global economy, the jobs most readily available for those with a 90 or so IQ would seem to be limited to low paying service jobs like restaurant workers, and retail clerks.
A worrisome development indeed and, I haven’t heard any discussion in the Republican debates or the President’s State of the Union address last week that suggests the problem is being addressed. Massive retraining sounds like a great idea until you realize that many people probably don’t have the wherewithal to fully understand the subject matter, let alone perform work that involves a good deal more than making change –even using a computerized cash register that essentially does it for you.
The economy will certainly recover but it seems entirely possible that all boats will not be lifted when it does. Consider how many jobs are being lost through online ordering from large warehouse-based companies like Amazon.com that drop ship products all over the world. (Think how e-books are reshaping reading habits and affecting even a book selling giant like Barnes and Noble.) Online shopping is making life difficult for many small business owners who employ the very people we are discussing here. And shopping malls, a traditional source of employment in the retail space, are closing in part for the same reason. In the Nashville area alone there have been six closings.
For those of us comfortable in the knowledge that we have higher IQs that should serve us well in the future, consider that Bank of America announced last March that they are shutting down 600 branches, in part because so many people prefer online banking. They don’t need as many people to run their business. Thousands of jobs including professionals in legal, marketing, human relations and finance areas will be lost. Even higher IQ people are not immune to problems created by technology advances. The difference of course is that people with higher IQs are better suited to take advantage of retraining opportunities.
That may be good news for those blessed with a higher functioning IQ but what about the rest of us? What if anything can be done to help otherwise functional people with lower IQs? Thankfully, there may be some good news on that front as well. A study done by the University of Michigan strongly suggests that IQ can be improved upon. Researchers found that exercising the brain through activities like reading, writing, puzzle-solving and taking up new hobbies can improve performance. Parents of children who have lower IQ scores please take note.
More of us have to be trained and ready if America is going to compete successfully in the 21st century. According to Brenda Albright, a well known consultant in the field of higher education, “These issues are being discussed extensively in higher education policy circles. The foundations that support higher education as well as political leaders are actively promoting the idea that many more Americans should go to college and obtain a degree or certificates.”
Warren Buffett is an extremely bright man. Work that demanded less intelligence was easier to find 100 years ago. The task at hand however, is to look ahead and find a way to put people to work who might otherwise not only fall through but demolish the social safety net, taking the rest of us with it.

Copyright 2012, Len Serafino. All rights reserved.

The Elevator Speech

I read recently that business people are in need of a better elevator speech. For the uninitiated, an elevator speech is what you should be ready to say should you find yourself on an elevator standing next to someone who might do business with you or offer you a job. The idea is you should be able to tell the person how wonderful you are and what’s in it for him to hire you. You must be able to do this in 118 seconds, the average length of an elevator ride.
You have to admit that a tiny, enclosed, rapidly moving, windowless room is an excellent spot in which to hold someone conversational hostage. The elevator speech has become a sort of conventional wisdom. If you’ve been in the business world for a while you have no doubt been made to feel inferior by someone who sniffs that you MUST have an elevator speech ready at all times. You feel inferior because even if you have one you know it isn’t good enough. In just 118 seconds you have to grab the prospect’s attention, tell her who you are, what you or your business has to offer and exactly how you can improve this stranger’s life beyond her wildest expectations. If you can do that, you might as well run for Congress. You’d be perfect.
But let’s give this a try: “Forty-sixth floor please. Imagine; 46 floors! Looks like a vertical roulette table doesn’t it? Say, my name is Vito Corleone. I sell imported olive oil by the truck load with an easy -you never miss a payment plan. If you buy your oil from me, you will be my friend and people will fear you.”
Okay, Vito’s elevator speech needs a little work. But I wonder if it’s worth the time. Conventional wisdom notwithstanding, I suspect that proponents of the need for an elevator speech are the same kind of people who told us the world was flat, that Y2K was the next apocalypse and that everything happens for a reason. Conventional or fanciful, wisdom isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be.
For starters, the vast majority of us don’t even live or work anywhere near a building that has an elevator; certainly not one that would take an average of 118 seconds to ride. A better term for elevator speech might be waiting area speech, since most of us actually do spend hours waiting to see the doctor, waiting for a table at the Bonefish Grill or waiting at the Wal-Mart checkout line. Just like elevators, waiting areas like these have at least a few people who might buy from us.
On the other hand, considering how wrapped up we are in our techno-gadgets these days, can you really get someone’s attention in one sentence without a snub nose 38 and words like “Your watch and your wallet now?” Please, it takes about seven sentences to get the kid at the fast food counter to pay attention to you. And how do you get the Donald Trumps of the world to remember your name when they are so hypnotized by the sound of their own names?
Then there’s the fact that very few of us are actually involved in a business that can be adequately explained in mere seconds. Anybody who’s ever read a company mission statement knows that. It takes about a hundred and eighteen minutes to read one of those. Being succinct about what you do sounds great in theory but in practice it’s not easy. Not if you want to impress your quarry. After all, an elevator speech without terms like osmosis marketing, B2C and a perennial favorite, synergy, will brand you as someone who lacks gravitas.
The one thing we are all good at though, is explaining why our new friend and potential benefactor can’t live without us. That is a lesson we are fated to revisit every election cycle. You know the formula: Big promises no cost to you. Works ever time.

Copyright 2012, Len Serafino. All rights reserved.