Mars Anyone?

Have you signed up yet for the one way trip to Mars? 78,000 people from all over the world have applied to the Netherlands based Mars One to make the one way trip. Young and old alike have decided that life on earth is not a big deal. Knowing they can never come back isn’t a deterrent to these adventurous people. They want out and can hardly wait until 2023 when the first 4 lucky winners will depart for the Red Planet. There is no maximum age for applicants, no required technical background, nationality or language. Well, astronaut candidates will have a few years to learn English if they don't speak it already. This requirement should excite members of the English only movement here in the USA. 

Of course some people question the sanity of anyone who would agree to make a one way trip to Mars. It seems a lot more people would be willing to make the trip if it was more like going to Disney World. You know, fly to Orlando, go on the rides, stay in the hotel and then head back home to Little Rock.

Had these round trippers been alive in say, the seventeenth century, it’s probably safe to say they would not have been aboard any wooden ships bound for America. They’re probably here now only because an ancestor got kicked out of London and was sent to the colonies. These naysayers obviously don’t share a bit of DNA with the Puritans who came to America. Did those brave voyagers realize they would never see their homeland again? That this was a one way trip? Certainly! And I guarantee you not one of them was thinking, “In America I can get me a wide screen TV and watch NASCAR and All Star Celebrity Apprentice on Sundays.”

And you can be just as sure that today’s scaredy cats live within a square mile of where those naughty ancestors landed. You just know when the pioneers set out to settle the west their great-great grandfathers thought the people getting on the wagon trains were fools. “Why would you go to parts unknown Clem? I hear tell there’s wild Indians and grizzly bears nine feet tall. Why, you can’t never come back here.”  

A spirit of adventure and a desire for a better life for their children was what drove the Mayflower passengers and later, the pioneers, to say goodbye forever to what they knew and head for the great unknown.        

Now some might say, “That is the difference. How could anyone have a better life on Mars than they could here on earth?  For starters, earth has oxygen, not to mention Starbucks.” Maybe it’s what Mars won’t have that makes it so appealing. No unemployment for example. Listen, it’s been rumored that the entire city of Detroit has applied for jobs on Mars. And since a day on Mars is 40 minutes longer than here on earth, there won’t be any excuse for not sweating to the oldies every day. And you just know there’s at least one applicant that applied in hopes of being selected so their partner will get the message. It’s over. For good this time.

For the astronauts who do decide to go, I wonder how quickly they will lose interest in everything happening on earth. For their sake, I hope it’s quick. I mean imagine you’re from Chicago. You get to Mars in early October, just in time to find out that the Cubs are going to the World Series. Your brother-in-law Carl could easily have scored a couple of top notch tickets for you. Forget it. You decided to take a one way cruise to Mars.

Our ancestors didn’t have that problem. There were no cell phones or iPads back then. Benjamin Franklin hadn’t even discovered electricity yet. No worries and no regrets about who won the British Open for residents of the Plymouth Colony, that’s for sure.    

If you’re interested in making the trip though, be advised that there will be a minor fee associated with submitting your application. The amount varies by the gross national income of the applicant's home country. For US citizens the fee is $38. It’s a better deal than the Pilgrims had. They agreed to be indentured servants for seven years.  

An Unexpected Request for Help

I had not heard from Philip for several years so I was quite surprised to get his email yesterday informing me that he was stuck in Italy. It seems he was robbed at gunpoint, all of his valuables taken from him. I was shocked that in a country where there are fewer than 12 firearms owned per 100 people, that such a thing might happen. We’re not talking about the USA after all.

            But I digress. Philip’s situation was worrisome indeed. The manager of the hotel where he was staying wouldn’t let him leave until his bill was paid. He didn’t say so, but he was probably subsisting on chestnuts and imported Livingston Cellars Chianti. Philip was indeed in dire straits and he was asking for my help. I was perplexed that Philip would write to me rather than say, people he had actually been in touch with on a regular basis.

            It’s not that I didn’t want to help my somewhat distant friend. I just felt he was behaving rather presumptuously by assuming I was in a position to send him a few dollars. I mean I haven’t heard from him in years. The subject of money had never even come up with the possible exception of a brief discussion about Toastmasters club dues. And if I did lend him money, would he pay me back? Suppose it was a scam he was running on people he didn’t feel he needed anymore? I hate being played for a fool.

            I’m not heartless. I did respond to his email. I figured, since he was in Italy; why not ask him to pick up a few things that are hard to get here in Nashville? Let’s face it, Nashville is a great city but Little Italy here consists entirely of Buca di Beppo and the Macaroni Grill. So I sent him a list and promised him I would repay him if and when he arrived home safely with the goods. I did express a good deal of sympathy for the robbery thing of course. 

            When I didn’t get an immediate response to my request, I wondered if my suspicions that Philip was scamming me might be true. That’s when I decided to look up my old contact information for Philip. I would call him at his office. If he picked up, I would know my baked goods and Italian leather shoes were just a pipe dream.

            As will happen, the number I called was no longer in service. Maybe he changed jobs? Was he living in Italy now? I tried his home number. A woman answered. She sounded like Philip’s wife. Not knowing what to do, I hung up. What if Philip really was trapped in a hotel in Italy? Maybe she didn’t know. Who wants to deliver that kind of news? Or, since he found it necessary to get in touch with me, maybe she did know and had already refused to lift a finger for him.  

            I had a sleepless night wondering whether I should have wired him enough to at least cover the cost of the items I requested. Well, I’m happy to report that it was a false alarm. I finally heard from Philip this morning. It seems that his computer was hacked by hackers on foreign shores. In hindsight, I should have recognized the real scam right away.

For one thing, Philip is a very bright fellow. I probably should have questioned the misspellings in his original message and the odd sentence structure. I guess I assumed he was writing under a lot of pressure being broke and no doubt having to borrow someone’s laptop.

Live and learn. Philip apologized for the inconvenience which I certainly appreciated. But I really wanted those handmade shoes.