Dear Abby

I’ve been a Dear Abby reader for years. There’s something about other people’s problems and the usually good advice that captivates me. In Sunday’s paper though, I saw an item that really stunned me. A woman wrote to ask for advice about how she might steal her married friend of 15 years so she could have the new car, beautiful home and new truck that he and his wife enjoyed. Her exact words were, “I don’t love Bud, but I know him from way back and I want to break them up. Can you give me any advice on how to?” She signed it “Losing Out.”
Really? Are we that far gone that newspapers, desperate for paying subscribers, would print something that not that many years ago would be fit only for the National Enquirer? Is it a good idea to treat an inquiry like that as a legitimate problem? Are so many people having that same problem that Dear Abby was forced to deal with it? I can see where a lot of people might have a meddling in-law issue but I’m guessing there are zero women coveting access to me and my 2004 Yukon. Granted I’m not exactly a yardstick for such matters. Still, if such problems are worthy of newsprint, why not go all the way? Let’s give Dear Abby full rein to provide advice on every conceivable topic even if it involves illegal activities. Imagine the range of fascinating questions for our Dear, Dear Abby:
Dear Abby: I want a new car, top of the line, but I’m short of cash. Can you please tell me the easiest way to steal the car I want? What changes should I make to its appearance so I won’t be caught?
BMW Boy
Wait, here’s one I’m sure some of us have pondered. Dear Abby: My boss is making me work overtime so we can catch up on orders placed by customers. Although I agreed to work overtime when I was hired, I’m tired of working Saturdays. Can you suggest something I can put in her coffee that will put her in the hospital for the rest of the summer?
Gone Fishing
I think what really got me wasn’t even the question, as bad as that was. Listen: thousands of people write to Dear Abby every year. With the very complicated world we live in today, there can’t be a shortage of consequential inquiries can there? Why would Jeanne Phillips, who writes Dear Abby, select such a disgraceful inquiry? My first thought when I read it was that a couple of quick-witted teenagers got together and wrote the note just to see if they could slip it past Ms. Phillip’s watchful eye. Maybe that is exactly what happened but Phillips played it straight, sort of. She said, “You must not be a frequent reader of my column. In a case like this I think I’ll take a pass.”
Again, really? Did Ms. Phillips feel that she did well by taking the path of “I’m not going to dignify that question with a response?” If that’s true why did she submit it in the first place? Doesn’t an advice columnist have an obligation to offer meaningful advice to any inquiry that she chooses to submit for print? Let’s be honest here, a lot of people reading that question will not see anything wrong with it. Surely, some will consider it a valid inquiry. You might be thinking, “Anyone reading ‘Losing Out’s’ question would immediately recognize it as inane.” Quick, what did TV Guide report as the number 1 show on television? Correct, The Bachelorette, a show that Losing Out has probably applied for numerous times.
In the interest of helping Ms. Phillips, who I’ll bet is on vacation and is going to be chewing out someone when she gets back to work, here is my guest Dear Abby response:
Dear Losing Out: Since your friend appears to be the generous type why not just tell him exactly what you told Dear Abby except for the not loving him part? Maybe he’ll take pity on you, buy you dinner and a Buick Lucerne just for old time’s sake. And by the way, in case you haven’t heard, marrying for money is the hardest way to get it.
Okay, maybe I won’t quit my day job, but I would be a lot happier if Dear Abby and the newspapers that publish her column did their jobs. We deserve better.

Copyright 2010 Len Serafino. All rights reserved.