An Average American Citizen for President

Suppose an average citizen decided to run for President of the United States. Could he or she win? Conventional wisdom says surely not! How could an average citizen raise enough money to buy votes for example? And without proper schooling in the political arena how in the world would our everyday candidate know how or when to utilize spin, the most important political skill of all? Can you imagine this poor guy being quizzed by a moderator like Wolf Blitzer during a nationally televised debate?
Still, looking at the crop of Republicans seeking the highest office in the land and lamenting over the guy who sits in the Oval Office now, how wrong could we go by plucking an average Joe or Jane out of the ranks and giving them a chance to compete in the contest to rule the free world?
Are you thinking, “Yeah, he’s right! Why not me? Indeed, why not you? Permit me to offer you some advice, no charge. In fact, to spur you on, here are several mini position papers written by an average American citizen for the average American candidate.

The Deficit
I know it sounds like a tough one but it isn’t really. We need to spend less money, a lot less. And we need more revenue. The problem is that Americans simply aren’t willing to pay more taxes until we are satisfied that government spending is under control. And we don’t want entitlements touched. So, your position, should you decide to run is simple: We will cut spending by 5% in all areas except entitlements. Government will keep doubling the amount cut every year until the American people tell you not only to stop cutting, but beg you to raise their taxes. My guess is that moment will occur in 2018, when Mexico and Canada, notice that our military has shrunk to the size of the Taiwanese army in the 1950s under Chiang Kai-shek. They will form an alliance and threaten to cross the Rio Grande and the Great Lakes, an invasion the likes of which hasn’t been seen since D-Day.

Abortion
This is a tough one. As far as I can tell, the time worn stance that you are personally opposed but feel you must defend the law of the land is, well…time worn. The news isn’t all bad though. The American people are so used to flip-flopping that you could probably call yourself the founder of the Flip-flop Party and garner a ton of votes. So, what you should do is say that in the interest of fairness you will be pro choice on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. You’ll be pro life on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Trust me: The media will be interested in just one thing. What is your Sunday position? MSNBC and Fox News will speculate endlessly. Under no circumstances are you to give away your position until you have written a quickie book on the topic and hawked it on Rachel Maddow’s show. Once you’ve milked that for all its worth, then give it to them straight. On Sundays you review the polls to see which days your standing in the polls rises or falls. Obviously you plan to be in favor of the position that gets you the most voter support. It’s perfect for O’Reilly’s No Spin Zone.

Foreign Policy
Frankly, as an average citizen it’s even money you’ve never been in another country unless you count California. Not to worry though. Your common sense approach will actually help to reduce the deficit! Here’s how: Reinstitute the draft. That will put a quick end to wars of adventurism. By re-instituting the draft, future Presidents will think twice before committing troops for years on end. Now the beauty of your plan is that the draft ONLY applies to people earning more than $250,000 a year. And here’s the catch. They can buy their way out. No, it’s not a tax; to borrow a quote from 41, “read my lips. No new taxes.” Regardless, our nation’s treasury will be swimming in cash. What about foreign aid? Again simplicity rules: Any country that accepts our money is an ally of the United States. You’ll need to clearly define the term ally. A litmus test is in order. Here’s the only question you need ask the leader of a country looking for dough. Will that country welcome the American Idol tour next summer? Not interested unless they bring Paula Abdul back? No aid for you.

Should you decide to go forward with your plan to run in 2012, please don’t forget me. Wait till you hear my plans for education and job growth.