A Christmas Tradition Gone Wrong

I got my Christmas shopping done early this year. I even wrapped my gifts. Judging by the heavy traffic I see near the mall, I should be feeling pretty good about not procrastinating this year. Truth be told though, I miss the hustle and bustle, mingling with the crowds, the touch of nippy weather and the devilish excitement of being the guy who got the last Xbox 360.
Christmas shopping is a chore for most of us but there is a touch of romance in the delicate art of finding something unique, desirable, and affordable for that someone special. Yes, there aren’t enough good parking spaces and by the time the Holidays arrive, thanks to retailers’ penchant for starting the season just after Memorial Day, we’re tired of Christmas decorations and Christmas music.
Nowadays you can do all of your Christmas shopping on line without even leaving the house once! It certainly has changed Christmas shopping hasn’t it? What with shipping though, you can’t wait until the last minute to shop. I waited until the very last minute one year. I decided to do all my Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve. Ed McMahon, Johnny Carson’s sidekick on the Tonight Show, told Johnny that doing all his shopping on Christmas Eve was one of his favorite Christmas traditions. If it was good enough for Ed, wasn’t it good enough for Len? So I waited. Black Friday came and went, the short daylight days of December quickly rolled by. Of course my wife, being so much smarter than I am, got the shopping done for the kids early. She shopped for me too. I’m sure she tried to reason with me. After all, she would be the one receiving the gifts I found during my magical mystery Christmas Eve shopping tour. Regardless, I was determined to give Ed’s tradition a go.
On the afternoon of December 24th I set out for the mall. It was a bitter cold day, some scattered snow flurries made the roads just a bit slick. As I recall, parking was a problem. After circling the parking lot for an hour, I found a space about 20 miles from the mall. The stiff wind blowing in my face probably made the walk to the mall seem longer.
I knew the mall would be crowded but I have to say I never guessed that a huge mall, complete with three anchor stores, could be so jammed packed with people. If you’ve ever been sandwiched into a telephone booth trying to break the record for the Guinness Book, you’ll know exactly how I felt.
I was on a tight budget but I was determined to find something special, something that had somehow escaped the eyes of the teeming hordes of desperate shoppers. I inched my way to a discount women’s clothing shop and started going through the racks of clothing. I felt a surge of excitement when I snatched the perfect skirt and blouse combination just as a girl who looked to be about 14 reached for it. I waited in line for an hour and a half to pay for my lucky find. When I finally got to the register though, I noticed that the woman behind the counter was giving me a funny look. She said, “Is this supposed to go together?” It was then that I noticed that the blouse was orange with white polka dots and the skirt was rainbow stripes. It didn’t matter. Surely my wife would love this symbol of my adventurous spirit.
I was able to get a few other items on my list including a calendar, something my wife asks for every year to this day. Usually the theme would be the works of an artist like Renoir.
There wasn’t anything quite like that left so my wife’s calendar that year had a spectacular, full color, chicks on a Harley theme.
Exhausted, I finally finished my shopping at 8 o’clock. As I stepped out of the warm confines of the mall and into the frigid, as in single digit, night air, it suddenly occurred to me. I still had to wrap all these gifts. By the time I got home in my unheated Chevette, would I still be able to feel my fingers?
As I sat on my living room floor just a few hours before dawn, wrapping the last gift with the only thing I could find, a brown grocery store bag, I watched a Tonight Show rerun. And I had a revelation of sorts. Ed McMahon could do all his shopping on Christmas Eve for two reasons. He wasn’t living on a budget. The limo he rode in was nice and warm.

Copyright 2011 Len Serafino. All rights reserved.