Do You Have a License to Use That Thing?

We are required to have a license to drive, a license to fish, and a license to get married. Medical professionals need licenses before they can cut out your appendix or give you an antibiotic. It wasn’t always that way of course. Requiring a license for something usually comes about when it dawns on government that certain activities seem to affect the well being of others. Not to mention that licensure fees are a marvelous source of revenue. Elected officials are always looking for ways to get more of your money without using the T word.
Naturally, licensure involves more than simply paying a fee. To get a license for most things you have to take courses or earn a degree. Then you have to pass a test. These hurdles usually tend to result in upgrading the standards of performance for professions and skilled trade groups that require them. One of the best things about requiring a license to say, practice dentistry, is that you can be reasonably sure that your dentist knows the difference between a molar and an incisor. And he won’t suggest that since you’re sitting in the comfortable chair; why not also take care of your bunion?
There comes a time in nearly all endeavors when the idea of licensure begins to make sense. I’m afraid we’ve reached that point with microphones. What we need now is a license to use a microphone. I’m serious. If you’ve ever been trapped in an airport or an airplane listening to someone blather on and on, well past the requisite talk about boarding rules and regulations, and way deep into the weather in Portland or trying to sing a cute parody, you are no doubt nodding your head in full agreement with me. Mind you there are precious few people using microphones these days that have any shot at replacing Dave Letterman.
We’re approaching an epidemic when cashiers at big box retail stores, bus drivers and hostesses at smorgasbord restaurants feel comfortable making interminable announcements without any training in the art of microphone use.
Shouldn’t there be a school that teaches would-be public broadcasters the art of making announcements? Most of the people making these announcements have little or no knowledge about where to set the volume or how close they should put their lips to the mike. They have no knowledge of how to do a sound check or what causes the screeching noise that makes you want to pull out a snub nose 38 and start shooting.
And, while requiring instruction in the technical aspects of microphone use would be a step in the right direction, it’s not enough. Not by a long shot. The thing that’s needed most is to test would-be announcers for self awareness and the ability to put things in perspective. As someone who has done a fair amount of public speaking I can tell you that it takes very little time to fall in love with the sound of your own voice. The problem is your audience. They’re not so easily charmed. Once you get beyond the basic message, audiences have an annoying habit of insisting that if you must continue on you have to say something useful or entertaining to them.
Here’s a case in point. Yesterday, the day before Thanksgiving, someone at the local supermarket got the idea that it might be fun to let anyone, I’m quoting here, “below the age of 90 come up to the customer service desk and demonstrate their turkey gobble.” Innocent shoppers were most likely picking up a few last minutes things for the Holiday when this fiasco was imposed on us. Trust me it didn’t make me want to add anything to my cart that I hadn’t planned on buying. Rather, it made me want to get out of there before I heard another grating gobble or more inane patter from the lady with the microphone. Judging from the number of contestants though, it’s obvious that people who don’t have access to a mike want that chance, even if it means imitating the sound of a bird whose brain weighs a quarter of an ounce.
And don’t tell me that in the scheme of things this is a trivial matter. If we don’t get this epidemic under control soon, we’ll regret it. Everybody will be walking around with mini hand-held mikes. NOW HERE THIS: We won’t be safe anywhere. Turkey gobbling is just the tip of the iceberg.

Copyright 2008 Len Serafino. All rights reserved.