Happy Thanksgiving! Pass the Fish?

It’s turkey day already. We’ll follow a lot of holiday traditions, perhaps without knowing exactly why. Consider this: The Pilgrims never strayed very far from the ocean. Have you ever wondered why turkey was the meal of choice on that first Thanksgiving? Why not tilapia? Surely tilapia could be found in the estuaries in the Plymouth vicinity. The idea that fish could have been the centerpiece of the Thanksgiving Day feast isn’t all that far fetched. According to a spokesperson for the living-history museum Plimoth Plantation, that first Thanksgiving the natives and the Pilgrims feasted on fish, lobster and clams, in addition to venison, birds and nuts. They had peas and carrots too. I’ll bet the Pilgrim kids fed that to the squirrels.
Of course, had they chosen tilapia, cornbread stuffing probably wouldn’t have been an option. Nor would gravy be a popular item. A lot of restaurants serve tilapia these days but I have never seen, let alone tasted, tilapia gravy. A creative chef could no doubt make one, but would it go well with mashed potatoes? No wonder turkey was the surviving tradition. Let’s face it; a tilapia sandwich Thanksgiving night, with or without cranberry sauce, is about as appealing as a Detroit Lions – Cleveland Browns football game.
Regardless, pumpkin pie would still be an important part of the holiday. But, then again, that might be by default. Did the first settlers try cranberry pie the first few years? Maybe they got tired of scrubbing the red stains out of the special tablecloth. Tide wasn’t around then to help. And beating that tablecloth on a few rocks in cold water is no match for cranberry stains, that’s for sure. They probably decided that the cranberry didn’t mix well with Cool Whip either. Yes, pumpkin pie was a safer bet.
I suppose turkey is the quintessential American meal. People from all cultures have immigrated to America, especially over the last 150 years. Regardless of their origins, most have adopted turkey on Thanksgiving wholeheartedly. But, had another culture settled America first, would turkey have become the Thanksgiving table superstar it is today? My parents were first generation Italian Americans, born in the USA. My mother dutifully prepared a traditional Thanksgiving dinner but there were a few items that I don’t think the Pilgrims ever tried. Mushrooms sautéed in olive oil and garlic come to mind. At least she never stuffed the turkey with meatballs and sausage. Listen: had the Italians arrived first (right after Christophoro Columbo) there’s a distinct possibility that the Thanksgiving menu would look more like what one can get any night of the week at Buca De Beppo. They’re open Thanksgiving if you’re so inclined.
A lot of people say they really look forward to enjoying leftovers for a couple of days. Turkey sandwiches for lunch, pie for a midnight snack and so on. Of course, if you’re having company you must cook a turkey that’s big enough to send guests home with provisions too. Advance planning is critical. There is nothing worse than having to turn over the drumsticks to your brother-in-law, leaving you with turkey gizzard and the wishbone. The Pilgrims and the natives probably didn’t have that problem. For starters, the closest thing they had to a Frigidaire was a stream filled with cold water. Without Tupperware to hold the leftovers, the tilapia still swimming would have taken revenge and eaten them.
Regardless of what’s on the menu, the purpose of the holiday hasn’t changed all that much over the centuries. Originally what is now known as thanksgiving was meant to celebrate the harvest season. Europeans, American Indians and other cultures held feasts to offer thanks to the good Lord for their sustenance and survival. Of course the vast majority of Americans were farmers in the early years. Today, not many of us are connected to farm work.
Except for the wizards of Wall Street who have the privilege of collecting huge annual bonuses, most of us don’t actually celebrate a harvest on Thanksgiving. But we are thankful for what we have.
Like Old Glory and raucous town hall meetings, Turkey on Thanksgiving is truly an American touchstone. President Obama should be grateful for that. If tradition holds, he will pardon a turkey today. He should be grateful tilapia isn’t the centerpiece of dining room tables. Dropping a gasping fish into a river would have been a lousy photo-op.

Copyright 2009, Len Serafino. All rights reserved.

Do You Have a License to Use That Thing?

We are required to have a license to drive, a license to fish, and a license to get married. Medical professionals need licenses before they can cut out your appendix or give you an antibiotic. It wasn’t always that way of course. Requiring a license for something usually comes about when it dawns on government that certain activities seem to affect the well being of others. Not to mention that licensure fees are a marvelous source of revenue. Elected officials are always looking for ways to get more of your money without using the T word.
Naturally, licensure involves more than simply paying a fee. To get a license for most things you have to take courses or earn a degree. Then you have to pass a test. These hurdles usually tend to result in upgrading the standards of performance for professions and skilled trade groups that require them. One of the best things about requiring a license to say, practice dentistry, is that you can be reasonably sure that your dentist knows the difference between a molar and an incisor. And he won’t suggest that since you’re sitting in the comfortable chair; why not also take care of your bunion?
There comes a time in nearly all endeavors when the idea of licensure begins to make sense. I’m afraid we’ve reached that point with microphones. What we need now is a license to use a microphone. I’m serious. If you’ve ever been trapped in an airport or an airplane listening to someone blather on and on, well past the requisite talk about boarding rules and regulations, and way deep into the weather in Portland or trying to sing a cute parody, you are no doubt nodding your head in full agreement with me. Mind you there are precious few people using microphones these days that have any shot at replacing Dave Letterman.
We’re approaching an epidemic when cashiers at big box retail stores, bus drivers and hostesses at smorgasbord restaurants feel comfortable making interminable announcements without any training in the art of microphone use.
Shouldn’t there be a school that teaches would-be public broadcasters the art of making announcements? Most of the people making these announcements have little or no knowledge about where to set the volume or how close they should put their lips to the mike. They have no knowledge of how to do a sound check or what causes the screeching noise that makes you want to pull out a snub nose 38 and start shooting.
And, while requiring instruction in the technical aspects of microphone use would be a step in the right direction, it’s not enough. Not by a long shot. The thing that’s needed most is to test would-be announcers for self awareness and the ability to put things in perspective. As someone who has done a fair amount of public speaking I can tell you that it takes very little time to fall in love with the sound of your own voice. The problem is your audience. They’re not so easily charmed. Once you get beyond the basic message, audiences have an annoying habit of insisting that if you must continue on you have to say something useful or entertaining to them.
Here’s a case in point. Yesterday, the day before Thanksgiving, someone at the local supermarket got the idea that it might be fun to let anyone, I’m quoting here, “below the age of 90 come up to the customer service desk and demonstrate their turkey gobble.” Innocent shoppers were most likely picking up a few last minutes things for the Holiday when this fiasco was imposed on us. Trust me it didn’t make me want to add anything to my cart that I hadn’t planned on buying. Rather, it made me want to get out of there before I heard another grating gobble or more inane patter from the lady with the microphone. Judging from the number of contestants though, it’s obvious that people who don’t have access to a mike want that chance, even if it means imitating the sound of a bird whose brain weighs a quarter of an ounce.
And don’t tell me that in the scheme of things this is a trivial matter. If we don’t get this epidemic under control soon, we’ll regret it. Everybody will be walking around with mini hand-held mikes. NOW HERE THIS: We won’t be safe anywhere. Turkey gobbling is just the tip of the iceberg.

Copyright 2008 Len Serafino. All rights reserved.