Just Like Larry

Occasionally people ask me why I write columns and then post them to my blog. Since we’re in the dog days of summer and I’ve been out in the heat, I’ll tell you why I write the Observer. I’m waiting to be discovered. I want to be a media big shot like Larry King. You don’t think it’s possible? Was Larry born behind a microphone? I realize he might well die behind a mike, but I can assure you he was a nobody before he was a somebody.
With every column I write I hope this is the one that goes viral, the one that everyone forwards to fifty of their closest friends. Then those people send it on to even more people. Eventually somebody, not thinking clearly perhaps, sends it to his cousin who happens to be a bigwig at MSNBC. Upon reading my stuff she says, “Get me Serafino.” Yes! A well stocked limo picks me up at the airport. My agent negotiates a long term contract. (Possibly I’m having a touch of sunstroke.)
Why would I want to be on television? The same reason Larry King likes being on TV. Being a celebrity is the only thing really worth being anymore. Like other celebrities, wherever Mr. King goes, he creates a buzz. Whether it’s the 21 Club, Charlie Trotter’s or The Dining Room, when someone like Larry strolls into these elegant spots, people notice. Well I have no trouble admitting that I want people to notice me. When I’m waiting for a table at the Cracker Barrel, I want to overhear someone say to his wife, “Isn’t that Serafino over there? The guy looking at the banana Moon Pies.” And don’t tell me you don’t want the same thing either. I know you do.
I’ll be smart like Larry too. He used to interview former presidents, well regarded actors and fabulously successful business people. Now his shows seem to focus a lot more on people who are either missing or dead. I mean really, who wants to hear what a former Secretary of State has to say? If you want to keep making all that money (I almost forgot. I want the money too) you must change with the times. Above all else keep your ratings high. Otherwise you’ll find yourself standing in line with everybody else at the local Olive Garden. No way! If you have to run a “Michael Jackson is dead” show every night for a couple of months to avoid that unhappy fate, then do that.
My show will be everything we have come to expect from cable news today and more. Not only would I have the Jackson siblings on, Michael himself would be my special guest. He probably wouldn’t say much but since his body is still around, why not break new ground? And don’t tell me you wouldn’t be watching. When you hear the promo, “Tonight on Serafino Speaks, Michael Jackson live…more or less,” you’ll be watching, TiVo-ing and tuning in for more.
I’ll be rubbing elbows with other celebrities too, all of them eager to tell us stories about their latest project, explain their most recent faux pas or best of all, share their outrageous plans for the future. “Len, I want you to be the first to know. I just signed a deal to host a new reality show called, Wedding Moos, BAAAs and Oinks. Contestants will marry farm animals, move to the city and compete for big prizes.”
Another great thing about being a TV celebrity is that behaving badly actually gets you more attention. That means higher ratings. And, of course, even more money. Listen: One day I mentioned to my wife that with my own show I could afford a trophy wife. She kinda put a damper on that one though. “I am your trophy wife,” were her exact words; hard to argue with the truth. But celebrity offers other opportunities for foolishness like speaking out on complicated issues without the advantage of understanding them. Real knowledge is hardly the point. High ratings equal gravitas. Wait till you hear my thoughts on neuroleptic discontinuation.
Having my own cable TV show, making millions of dollars and being famous to boot, doesn’t seem that far fetched to me. If I’m willing to put my scruples in the corner, consider shame an outdated emotion and feel my responsibility to viewers is secondary to my status among the media glitterati, I can have it all. But, until that glorious day I’ll have to keep writing the Observer. Keep forwarding please. CNN is this close.

Copyright 2009 Len Serafino. All rights reserved.