Hot Stuff: Blood Pressure Parties

I was at my cousin’s home in San Clemente, California Sunday night. Whenever I’m out there on business I make it a point to see my aunt and cousins. Fellow expatriates of Newark, we don’t see each other very often. They’re full of life and they are good company. What’s more, there is always a story. The last time I saw Connie she told me her plans to sail around the world with her husband Rick and earn a few bucks in the process as a Wal-Mart greeter in every port. I think she was kidding but you never know.
Since I came all the way from Tennessee to visit them, they threw a party. My cousin is an outstanding cook. She could have made any number of Italian dishes that she knows I like. But for some reason instead of asking me what I wanted to eat she asked her sister-in-law Lida whether she wanted pizza or Chinese. When the woman said, “Chinese,” I could feel my blood pressure rising. Immediately, I started looking for my car keys. As it turned out the party wasn’t entirely for my benefit. They were also celebrating Lida’s sixtieth birthday. I figured there might be cake involved so I decided to endure the Kung Pao chicken. I’m glad I did.
For starters, there wasn’t one person in the house under the age of sixty. With the exception of my lovely aunt, we were all baby boomers. Then, neighbors arrived with their 14 year old daughter. This bright young lady was working on a school project about the impact of caffeine on blood pressure. She wanted to take the blood pressures of a few of us, give us a cup of coffee and then repeat the test 30 minutes later. Considering Lida’s inexplicable craving for Chinese food, tea might have been a better choice. Everybody wanted in. Now you might think the free coffee was the main attraction. Certainly it was the perfect antidote to the red wine we were drinking. It wasn’t the coffee though.
“Take my blood pressure!”
“No me; do mine first.”
The sex, drugs and rock and roll generation morphed into the cholesterol, blood pressure and glaucoma set before my eyes. At least drugs are still a big part of our lives even if they require a co-pay now. The readings came quickly as we rolled up our sleeves in turn and slid our arms into the magic cuff. I suddenly remembered a party years ago where somebody pulled out a deck of Tarot cards. She quickly became the center of attraction, telling our fortunes; predicting romance, big money and exotic travel. Now some thirty years later here was this kid with a blood pressure cuff capable of making better predictions than the fortune teller could hope for in her wildest dreams. Untreated high blood pressure has a tendency to cost money and make romance problematic. Frequent travel to the nearest medical center is assured.
One after another we sat on the couch and waited for the readout. No HIPAA privacy allowed in this family, everyone had to announce their results. Where once upon a time we would have been playing thumper, chugging beers to chug-a-lug chants, we now played school nurse, offering sober warnings to those with abnormal results about the need to make a doctor’s appointment. People already on blood pressure medication offered those with elevated pressure one of their own in hushed tones the way a priest offers absolution. For all the right reasons, there were no takers.
The 40 year span between twenty and sixty sounds like a lot of time until you get there. Most boomers have worked hard and certainly once we were beyond our formative years, learned to avoid high risk behavior. That’s one of the reasons we’re still here. Yet, in spite of enormous advances in science and medicine, sooner or later our gears don’t shift as smoothly as they once did.
You reach a certain age and just like that your index finger hurts for no reason. The newspaper you read every morning might as well be in Bengali because you can’t see the words. You become an expert in logistics to make sure the distance between the bathroom and your parking space at the mall is never more than a few limps away.
Yet, boomers still have fun. We still throw parties. The strobe lights are long gone but that’s okay. The next time I visit my cousin I’ll bring an eye chart.

Copyright 2009 Len Serafino. All rights reserved.