A Few Choice Words

“You didn’t have to do that.” This is what people say when you give them a gift whether it’s expected or it’s a surprise. Can you imagine a situation where someone does something nice for you and you respond, without the slightest trace of sarcasm, “You had to do that?” We say many things to each other without really thinking about the words we use.
I was in a meeting a couple of weeks ago. Someone asked me a question. My answer began, “Too be honest…” The guy laughed and said, “You mean up till now you haven’t been honest?” It’s not like I didn’t know better. I have said the same thing to others when they uttered that particular verbal tic. To be honest…actually…you know…well…uhm, are all well worn kick starters. It’s as if we’re born with an internal ignition system that must be cranked before we can say something intelligible.
Americans are also great at abandoning perfectly good words for no reason whatsoever. When was the last time you heard someone say “You’re welcome?” You still say thank you but no one says you’re welcome anymore. Instead we say, “No problem.” It’s not as if “no problem” takes less time to say than you’re welcome. But there is a difference.
“Can you tell me the time please?”
“Sure it’s 2:30.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” Welcome to the knowledge I have. Welcome to my momentary assistance in establishing the correct time.
No problem seems to suggest that at the moment you asked for the time, it could have caused a problem, but since it didn’t, rest assured that this time it wasn’t a problem. That’s a relief.
The word thanks has also taken a beating. Business conversations these days end with thanks regardless of what just transpired.
“Didn’t we just meet on that issue an hour ago?”
“No it was this morning. It’s 2:30 now.”
“Well, I have to get ready for the 3:00 meeting.”
“Me too.”
“Okay, thanks.”
“Thanks.”
Thanks for what exactly? Sometimes “thank you” is exchanged simultaneously. It’s a meaningless departure ritual meant to convey that a conversation has ended. The thank you exchange is now official protocol between superiors and subordinates. They rarely part company without exchanging a thank you. When an employee says it the word is rich with meaning and subtexts. “I’m very happy to be here. I’m grateful that someone so intelligent thinks I’m worthy of employment here. Please don’t fire me.” When the boss says thanks it means, “Get out of my office.” Sometimes co-workers use thank you with each other but only when one of them thinks the other one might be the boss someday.
And what about the word please? When did that word come to denote sarcasm? “You’re sister really looked good at the party the other night, didn’t she?”
“Please. She looked like a half-peeled orange in that outfit.” In such a context, the word please is short for, “Please don’t patronize me,” or “Please stop treating me like I was born yesterday,” or “Please be serious for once in your life.” One thing it isn’t is a polite request.
Another work place favorite that drives me up the wall, even when I’m the one using it, is “Do me a favor.” This is what you say just before you ask an employee to do his job, you know, the thing you pay him for.
It’s not like you’re about to ask for a real favor like, “Geraldine, do me a favor and stick these scissors in Mario’s back.” That would be a favor: A big favor. But we constantly ask people to do their jobs as if the work was optional. “Do me a favor and make three copies of this report.”
“I’ve done three favors for you already today. What have you done for me Mister?”
“Sorry.”
Yes, the word sorry is another word that’s spoken so often it has all but lost its meaning. I’m walking down the supermarket aisle. I turn the corner and nearly do the bumper car thing into a lady’s shopping cart. She says, “Sorry.” Now I know she’s not really sorry for anything. Why should she be? I’m the idiot that wasn’t paying attention. It’s merely a social convention. If that same woman put a dent in my car door the size of Lake Michigan she would say the same thing, “Sorry.”
I hope that never happens but if it does I’ll probably say, “To be honest, sorry isn’t going to help. I mean, please, why don’t you do me a favor and be more careful. Thanks.”

Copyright 2009 Len Serafino. All rights reserved.