The Fake ID

            I substitute teach at local high schools now and then. When I asked one of the girls in my class why it is so easy to purchase beer, she told me a lot of kids have fake IDs. This is not a new idea of course. Some of the guys I went to college with had them.

            I distinctly remember one of my fraternity brothers getting off with a warning by a patrolman after he parted company with his fake ID. In fact, the cop wasn’t as irritated with him for having containers of beer as he was when he asked the young man’s name. With a straight face, he said, “John Smith.” I think what saved him was the way he said it, which was more like, “John Smith?”

            The fake ID has always been the domain of the young who are in a hurry to experience the hangover in all its forms. They want to pretend to be older than they are. Once we are of legal drinking age, we simply don’t think about the fake ID anymore unless perhaps we find one in the hands of one of our children. Or so I thought.

            My cousin Connie is planning a cruise this winter which will include a Segway tour wherein, were she eligible, she could ride a Segway.  As you probably know, the Segway PT is a two-wheeled, self-balancing, electronic vehicle. The problem is she is over the maximum allowable age. She is ineligible to ride the Segway.

            Nevertheless, she has come up with an elegant solution. She plans to get a fake ID. Yes! Like the Seinfeld episode where Kramer and Newman decide to reverse the peepholes in their apartment doors, Connie has ingeniously hit upon the reverse fake ID. She wants to be younger than she is pretty much for the same reasons young people want to seem older. She wants to do something that is not allowed.

            Having a reverse fake ID could get us much more than Segway rides. Being younger could get us better prices at some venues like amusement parks, except maybe for Disney World. They only offer a price break for kids between 3 and 9 years old. Let’s face it, unless the ticket takers also work for Orlando Airport’s Homeland Security staff, nobody is going to believe you’re only 9 no matter how you dress.

On the other hand, a fake ID would also come in handy for single people of a certain age. Who wouldn’t jump at the chance to flummox an e-Harmony subscriber or two? Shaving ten years off your actual age and being able to prove it more or less, could instantly put otherwise lonely people in a whole new category. No more tiresome dates with old men who take 45 minutes just to get out of the car after a twelve minute ride. Trade up, or down as it were, for a livelier model.   

            It occurs to me that we should never have abandoned the fake ID in the first place. By the time we hit 50, a lot of us could be benefitting from the reverse fake ID to get the senior citizen’s discount at the local Carmike theatre and the supermarket. Why wait until you’re 65?

Restaurants from Applebee’s to White Castle are thrilled to give you a break. Retailers from Banana Republic to Walgreens want your business. The reverse fake ID is a thing of beauty. There’s not a patrolman on earth that’s going to ask to see your ID because she suspects you’re older than you look.

            Listen: Don’t tell anybody, but if you email me a glossy photo, your preferred date of birth, height and weight, I’ll see what I can do about getting you a fake Tennessee driver’s license.