if i die

I recall a Mad Magazine cartoon where an old man on his death bed says to his friend of many years, “Come closer” He’s obviously about to utter his last words. The friend leans in. “Closer,” says the old man. Then, touching his friend’s arm with his forefinger, he says, “Last tap.” He dies with a satisfied smile on his face.

It is the ultimate squelch isn’t it? The problem is there is no way we can possibly be sure we can get life’s last tap. That is, until now.

            Thanks to the Web and its great gift to mankind, social media, we can now have life after life. Yes, services like Deadsoci.al, Liveson.org and Facebook’s “if i die,” make it possible for us to leave messages for friends, loved ones and even enemies.

            Consider the possibilities! Had the Internet been ubiquitous just 30 years ago, we could still be receiving messages from Richard Nixon. The idea of sending messages post mortem isn’t new, of course. Wills and letters to loved ones, drafted in the waning days of life, probably go back to pre-historic times when cavemen painted images on rocks. Even video messages go way back, all the way back to the 1980s when everyone grappled with their VCRs.

Still, how many people can you reach on mere paper documents? Really, how many letters can you write? The cost of postage alone is murder. Well, my friends we are no longer chained to any such limitations. Like the all you can eat buffet at the Golden Corral, you can offer a full plate of wisdom long after you’ve entered the next world. Those of us still earthbound can enjoy every morsel.

When three cyberspace executors of your choosing have verified your passing, your thoughts can be posted, just like before your demise. The difference is you don’t have to deal with smart aleck responses. You can even set up a delivery schedule for your tweets, texts and posts. It’s a new kind of immortality. Imagine sending your spouse, your adult children or maybe your old boss emails for months or even years after you die!

            “Honey, you’re always late filing our income taxes. April 15^th is right around the corner. Don’t wait to the last minute again. Get off your rear end and take care of it.” Your loved one will appreciate the reminder.

            Have you been busting with a secret? After you’ve been laid to rest, you can finally tell all. People love being let in on secrets, even dead people’s secrets. Imagine if you will a deathbed YouTube video to be sent to your siblings after you’re laid to rest.

“Hi Joe. Hi Mary.” (Long coughing spell)

“Remember when Mom died and we cleaned her house? Well, I want you to know I found twenty thousand dollars stashed in one of her suitcases.

“You guys were so busy arguing over those stupid Disney World souvenir spoons, I had no trouble sticking the suitcase in the trunk of my Mercedes. That vacation Melody and I took to the South Pacific? Mom’s little stash paid for that trip. We must have toasted you two from the promenade deck a thousand times. Wow! Feels good to get it off my chest! By the way Mary, I’m leaving you my share of those Disney spoons.”

These afterlife services aren’t the least bit shy or reserved about suggesting the possible uses of their cyberspace services. One site even goads you into settling old scores, using a graphic of the middle finger to emphasize the point. A capital idea, no? Shouldn’t we all strive for revenge as a final legacy without the opportunity to make amends? Last tap indeed.

Most of us believe in the afterlife. According to one poll, 82% of Americans believe in life after death. But most of us don’t really believe in death, at least not our own. The people at Facebook understand this. They could have called their service “when I die.” Instead they chose “if I die.”  We treat our own demise as a conditional thing, something that might happen; as if the laws of nature don’t apply to us.
Still, all the evidence suggests that everyone eventually will exit planet earth. Question is, where are those messages Deadsoci.al will send for us really going to come from? My advice? Play it safe. Be nice…even after you’re gone.