Moving Pains

We’re moving. After 14 years in the same house we decided it was time to downsize. It’s a season in life thing, you know? We were lucky, very lucky. Our home sold in just two weeks. The buyers though, wanted us out in five weeks. Trust me; that isn't a lot of time to clean closets you last looked in the day you moved into the house. Don’t even mention the attic, the garage or the crawl space.

The idea of moving into a brand new home is exciting. It’s the kind of thing that starts with a Sunday afternoon drive and one of those “What if we…” conversations. Next thing you know the papers are signed and you’re looking forward to a new adventure. Like a hangover, it hits you on the morning after. There may be a few things you never thought of while you were deciding what color to paint your new dining room. You actually have to move. Packing, a lot of packing is involved. Still you tend to underestimate the pain factor.

For one thing, you have some tough decisions to make. Not like what to do about Iran and its potential nuclear capability. That’s easy. We’re talking about what to do with fine china that doesn’t even make an appearance on Thanksgiving anymore. If you are even thinking about moving I have some friendly advice.     

            If you own any firearms, baseball bats or an archery bow, be sure to pack them first and send them to a neutral third party. Consider packing the knives and any other sharp objects you have as well. These simple steps will ensure that neither you nor your spouse will use them on each other. You will both be overtired and emotional. Listen: Over the last two weeks there were moments when I pondered the idea that my new address might well be a maximum security cell in the penitentiary rather than Nolensville, Tennessee.

            Permit me to explain. Before any actual packing begins you have to decide what to keep, what to give to Goodwill and what to put out on trash day. If you’ve been married a long time like we have, unless you suffer from clutter phobia, there is no way you don’t have stuff you should have discarded years ago. When my wife went through one of our closets and agonized over whether to get rid of a dress that was still cellophane wrapped with the dry cleaner label from New Jersey, I berated myself for not having a divorce lawyer on speed dial. We left New Jersey 18 years ago. That dress and its many friends in the closet have enjoyed luxury closet living in several states except when they inhabited expensive wardrobe boxes. I put my foot down. The dresses had to go.

            My wife could not have been kinder about it. She agreed that it was time to let some things go. Then she said, “Len, let’s look in the attic. I’m sure there are some things up there we can get rid of while we’re at it.” We did find a few items. Every speech I ever wrote for my Toastmasters club during the last 30 years was in one of the three filing cabinets I keep. There were income tax returns from the 1970s. And, there were letters, some going back 40 years. I patiently explained that one day those letters would come in handy when it was time to write my memoir. She rolled her eyes and pointed to the trash bag. I complied. She has a speed dial too.

            We went through a lot of paper. So much paper that the original estimate we got from the moving company was high. We’re talking thousands of pounds of paper. You think I’m exaggerating right? Want to know what it cost us to move from New Jersey to Tennessee in 1994? Interested in what our heating bill was for January 1978? Had you asked a week ago I could have told you. At long last these critical documents have met their maker; Shred-it. Of course we did consider retaining the services of Iron Mountain instead, but we came to our senses on that one thanks to a compromise. I get to keep one of my filing cabinets. That dress is moving with us to a closet in Nolensville.  

                         

 

Seriously? We need Fact Checkers?

President Washington says he loves America and will do whatever it takes to protect the environment. Yet he’s proud of chopping down the cherry tree. How many more trees will he chop down? You can make him stop. Vote for me on Election Day. I’m John Adams and I approved this message.

            Obviously, John Adams never ran an ad like this. Hardly anyone had a television in 1792. And fact checkers wouldn’t appear on the scene for another 220 years. They are a fact of life now though. With good reason I’m afraid.     

In his speech at the Republican Party’s convention last month, Mitt Romney said that Obama began his presidency with an apology tour. According to factchecker.org, the President did no such thing.   

In his speech to the Democratic national convention the President said U.S. automakers are “back on top of the world.” But factchecker.org says GM has slipped back to No. 2 and is headed for third place in global sales this year, behind Toyota and Volkswagen.

When our Presidential candidates are bending the truth or telling outright lies we all lose. There is an ocean of information for voters to wade through as they try to discern which candidate is more likely to move the nation in the right direction. It would help tremendously if we weren’t forced to distinguish information from misinformation. 

Am I the only one that’s bothered by the fact that we actually need organizations like factcheck.org and Pinocchio Tracker? If you’re running for President aren’t voters entitled to assurances that you won’t lie to us? You might think that presidential candidates would be highly insulted by the very accusation that they lied, that he or she would excoriate the person or organization making such a claim. Shouldn’t lying, at least the bold faced variety, disqualify a candidate from the race?

But that’s not the way it works in 2012, far from it. In fact, Romney pollster Neil Newhouse told an ABC News panel, “We’re not going to let our campaign be dictated by fact checkers.” He said this in response to accusations that a Romney ad suggesting that Obama was removing work requirements for welfare eligibility was dead wrong.

When Delaware Governor Jack Markel said at the Democratic National convention that Mitt Romney likes to fire people, he deliberately took the Governor’s words out of context. Romney was clearly referring to health insurance providers and the services they provide.  In fact, Romney was simply stating he likes to be able to fire people who don’t provide good service. Honestly, don’t we all? His comments had nothing whatsoever to do with taking pleasure in firing workers.

One of the most insidious effects of campaigns that play games with the truth is the way they distract us from the real issues. When Newt Gingrich called President Obama “the best food stamp president in American history,” there were charges that he was oversimplifying the issue. The number of people on food stamps rose in seven out of the eight years Bush was president, in part due to changes in program policy. It’s also true that Obama inherited an extremely distressed economy. Regardless, when the debate devolves into a he said/she said contest, there is very little room for useful debate. Is it too easy to get food stamps, just right too hard? If 15% of the population really needs food stamps, what are we going to do to solve the problem? Arguing over which political party is at fault or what the real numbers are is self defeating. If our candidates can’t even agree on facts, chances of finding a solution are obviously reduced.

Is it any wonder voters are cynical? We are being asked to choose between leaders who are cynical about voters. They ask for our trust but don’t trust us in return. Then there’s the cynical media circus. Filled mostly with partisans, they strangle the airwaves with minutiae which deprive us of facts, options and learned opinions to help us grasp the issues. The paradox of our times is that we live in an era when the issues are more complex than ever while the discussion becomes less sophisticated every election cycle.

In his farewell address George Washington said, “I hold the maxim no less applicable to public than to private affairs, that honesty is the best policy.”

   

Would 21st Century Media Destroy Wilson, Teddy and Taft?

Imagine if you will, running for President 100 years ago. Woodrow Wilson, a Democrat bested Theodore Roosevelt and William Howard Taft that year. A grand total of 15 million people voted in that election. A hundred years later we might well wish that one of them, any one of them, was running this year instead of the candidates we have.

            On the other hand, I wonder whether Wilson, Roosevelt and Taft would look any better than today’s candidates if they had to endure our 21^st century media circus. One tremendous advantage to running in 1912 was the absence of practically every utterance made by the candidates since they entered public life, preserved on video and easily transmitted digitally on a moment’s notice.

            Did the voters in the election of 1912 know that after graduating from the University of Virginia law school, Woodrow Wilson had a “feeble law practice for about a year?” Wilson’s father defended slavery and even owned slaves. The man didn’t learn to read until he was ten. One can only wonder what Fox News, had they existed back then, could have done with this kind of “critical” information? Yet, President Wilson is often ranked as one of the top ten Presidents of all time.

            Former President Theodore Roosevelt, the trust buster, the walk softly and carry a big stick guy; a Republican turned progressive, is a legendary American, good enough (and tough enough) to have his profile chiseled on Mount Rushmore.  Did you know Roosevelt also ran for mayor of New York City and only managed to finish third? That’s right, third! He would present some problems for the pundits who screech for MSNBC though. He really was a trust buster who increased regulation of businesses.

           Just yesterday I heard Rachel Maddow criticize Governor Romney for announcing his selection of Congressman Paul Ryan on a battleship. She found it galling that he would do that since neither he nor Ryan ever served in the military. Would she have chided Teddy for being a trust buster when he never ran a publicly traded company?

          And here’s one of Teddy’s many quotes to ponder. “A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.” In the political arena today would Roosevelt be accused of suggesting that higher education leads to crime? Try not to laugh. You know I’m right. Roosevelt also said, “A typical vice of American politics is the avoidance of saying anything real on real issues.” Some things never change. The first President Roosevelt also makes most top ten lists.

            In the very weight conscious society we live in today, President Taft’s image, the man weighed 350 pounds, would have been a problem for him. But far more devastating was what he said in a letter to Yale University in 1899, ten years before he became President. “I believe in God. I do not believe in the divinity of Christ, and there are many postulates of the orthodox creed to which I cannot subscribe.” If he was running this year how long would his candidacy last? Taft, another Republican, doesn’t make any top ten lists I can find, but he did solid work as President and was later appointed the nation’s 10^th Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. He is the only man to serve in both capacities.

            Considering how much scrutiny our Presidential candidates are subjected to now, it’s a wonder that anyone is willing to run for the office. I’ve seen video of Mitt Romney as a 23 year old working to support his mother’s candidacy for the US Senate. People mercilessly combed through his comments, looking for inconsistencies. I would hate to be on the record for something I said at that age. We are all works in progress. Jesse Jackson said it very well in his speech at the Democratic National Convention in 1984, when he was 42 years old. “As I develop and serve, be patient. God is not finished with me yet.”   

            Regardless of your preference in this year’s Presidential election, be slow to judge either candidate simply by what they say or the gaffes they will surely utter. Be wary of the pundits who need controversy to get you to tune in and are never happier then when they appear clever with words. Whoever wins will have an enormous job ahead of him. The problems we face are large enough that if our next President succeeds in solving them, there might well be a spot for him on Mount Rushmore.              

 Copyright 2012, Len Serafino. All rights reserved.

Will They Deconstruct Sheriff Andy Taylor Too?

Sheriff Andy Taylor has died, rest in peace Andy. Hopefully, your unblemished ride as Mayberry’s sheriff will never be over. Unlike real life heroes, scriptwriters made you near perfect. It would be exceedingly hard to write a revisionist history of your life, filled with minor blemishes and major warts.

            In real life though, we’ve seen generations of great American leaders pilloried by pretenders insisting they write to set the record straight while really wanting to secure a major book deal. Add a lucrative movie deal while we’re at it. Knocking JFK, MLK, LBJ, FDR, and a few of the founding fathers off their high perches has brought wealth and even fame to some but at what cost? Have we as a nation truly benefitted knowing that canonization of America’s historical leaders might be too much?  
          When we were a naïve people we willingly trusted leaders to do the right thing, to insist on fair play, you know, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, Yankee Doodle Dandy, Saving Private Ryan. In the process perhaps we gave them something to live up to. We are cynical now. We don’t trust our leaders and it isn’t our fault. Leaders refuse to lead. They won’t make the hard choices or even discuss them honestly. And why should they? What exactly is the payoff for all that work, and bold risks, an unauthorized e-book biography? We’re pretty much on our own now.
            When Andy Griffith died many people felt a personal loss. It may be a bit hard to grasp why when so few of us have ever met the man. Who knows what he was really like as a husband, a boss, or at a cocktail party? Did he have many friends who stood by him regardless of where life took him? I suppose much of our feelings of loss relate to what his TV alter ego, Andy Taylor represented. Andy was a living, breathing example of how to live one’s life. Play by the rules, shoot straight, and be kind to one and all, an American way of life.
           Can you possibly imagine a TV studio bringing back that show, based in Mayberry with the same characters? Would the fact that so many of them weren’t married be titillating today? Andy was single. So was Barney. Thelma Lou, Gomer, Goober, Howard and Otis, the town drunk, were single. Aunt Bee was single too. I’ll bet it never crossed your mind right? I certainly never thought of it until I read Ramon Presson’s fine piece on Andy Griffith in the Charlotte Observer. Imagine the story lines today’s geniuses would conjure.
            And that got me to thinking about how polluted so-called sitcom writing is today. In the 1960s when The Andy Griffith Show was popular, the writers built their stories around the character that lay deep within each of the show’s characters. Barney may have been a meddling fool, easily duped by strangers in town, but Barney was never put in a position where he might get Thelma Lou pregnant and then have to choose between marrying her and cajoling her into terminating the pregnancy. What would today’s writers do if Sheriff Taylor discovered small time counterfeiters setting up shop in Mayberry? Would he catch them in the act, confiscate the fake bills and send them to justice?  Or, would viewers be treated to a morally ambiguous storyline where the town’s unemployed are buying some much needed goods with bogus twenties, facing deprivation if Andy shuts down the pipeline?      
           Listen: I have no interest in debating either the merits of lifestyle choices available to us today or the notion that everything is relative. I’m merely pointing out that Andy Taylor’s reputation is safe only until some addled network executives, out of real life heroes to knock down a peg, decide to go after fictional characters too.  

The Andy Griffith Show is still on almost every night because people still watch, even when they know the storylines by heart. Why? Well, I don’t know why but if I had to guess, I would say it’s because people never stop hoping that life can be the way they see it in Mayberry. In spite of countless examples to the contrary in every aspect of our lives, we stubbornly hope for a country where the generations get along, men and women respect each other, kids are safe playing kid games and above all we care about each other.

Otis locked himself in the cell to sleep off a bender. Wonder what he would see if he didn’t wake up until today?      

Copyright 2012, Len Serafino. All rights reserved.

Bottomley Watermelons

Ever heard of Bottomley watermelons? Neither have I until this morning. I was shopping at Home Depot. Now don’t you go thinking I’m handy. I was just there to find some heavy duty felt pads to attach to a tray I’m using to make a portable standup desk. (Call me if you know how to attach them to a wooden surface.)

            As I walked into the store though, I noticed two very large and sturdy cardboard boxes filled with watermelons. There was a handwritten sign that said, “Bottomley Watermelons.” My first thought was, am I getting so forgetful that I wandered into a Whole Foods store instead of Home Depot? A quick scan of the surrounding area quickly confirmed that I was in Home Depot; wood, paint, power tools, kitchen and bath fixtures.

My next thought was why Home Depot would be selling watermelons, not to mention what must be an upscale brand of watermelon?  Why else would you point out a brand name for a watermelon? Since I never heard of Bottomley, I decided to ask the nice people wearing Home Depot aprons what exactly a Bottomley watermelon is.

Guess what? No one had the slightest idea. I asked three employees. Two offered what they admitted were guesses. One guessed it was a type of watermelon. The other guessed it was a brand. Turns out the guy who guessed brand was correct. Thanks to the World Wide Web it’s almost too easy these days to get information that is critical to your day if not your life. Bottomley Farms, located in Ennice, North Carolina is the grower of the Bottomley watermelon. Ennice is a small town located in Alleghany County; with just under 11,000 residents...that’s the county, not the town.

 When I got the watermelon home I noticed that the label on the melon didn’t mention Bottomley. In fact it said seedless watermelons distributed by ABL Farms. And below that, grown and packed by WJ Produce which it so happens is located in Cordele, Georgia. ABL Farms –they also grow watermelons, is based in Forest Park, GA. Where exactly do these watermelons come from? Am I eating watermelon on a scorching hot day that was born and raised in the rich soil of North Carolina or the red clay of Georgia? And, who watered my watermelon? After all, watermelon is 92% water. Don’t I have a right to know the source of all that water?

As you can imagine I was quite concerned about the potential problems that might occur if I didn’t like the watermelon. I mean sure, I can always sue Home Depot, but as every red blooded American knows, it never hurts to sue several parties. So should it be Bottomley Farms? ABL Farms? And what about WJ Produce? I made a few calls. I had to get to the bottom of this before I took even one bite of watermelon.

Joyce, the J in WJ Produce, was pretty sure she and her husband grew those watermelons.

She also admitted she knew about the watermelon sale to Home Depot. She was very candid actually, possibly because she had absolutely nothing to hide. She also acknowledged that she sold her melons to ABL Farms. Of course I called ABL next, hot on the trail of a bait and switch watermelon scandal. I’ll be writing for the New York Times baby.

But then, things got a little confusing. The young lady I spoke with wasn’t sure about what might have happened. She was very professional. She took down my name and phone number and promised to speak with Danny. And to his credit, Danny called me right away, another one with nothing to hide.

But let me tell you something: I am like a dog with a bone when I have an unanswered question burning inside me. You better believe I called Bottomley Farms. And just like that the mystery was solved. Teresa told me that Bottomley Farms does grow watermelons and that Home Depot ordered them from Bottomley. Home Depot also gets their Halloween pumpkins and Christmas trees from Bottomley. Perhaps Bottomley didn’t have enough watermelons to sell Home Depot. So they bought them from ABL Farms who got them from WJ Produce. Case closed, almost. I suppose I should be disappointed. My muckraking days are off to a very rocky start. But I’m not disappointed. I just tasted the watermelon. It’s delicious.    

Copyright 2012, Len Serafino. All rights reserved.               

The Fortune Cookie Incident

My friend John, who lives in a suburb of Tacoma Washington, wrote me today to suggest I write about fortune cookies. Thanks for the suggestion John. After five plus years of writing the Observer I need all the help I can get. What got John interested in the subject stems from his recent lunch with a customer at a Chinese buffet. Like most of us, I’m sure John looked forward to getting his fortune cookie along with the bill at the end of the meal. Much to his chagrin however, both fortune cookies contained typos! As Barry McGuire sang, surely we’re on the eve of destruction now. One fortune read, “Good things are coming to you in due of time.” The other one said, “Watch your relations without other people carefully, he reserved.” There is an extra word in the first fortune and two wrong words in the second one, embarrassing I know. John probably felt if the Chinese, whose century may be upon us, are getting sloppy, perhaps everything is lost. He went on to question why we should assume that the Chinese are so knowledgeable. Even if the fortunes are spelled right they tend to be vague. And the cookie itself is by no means a better dessert than say, chocolate ice cream, not to mention chocolate pudding. I’m sure a few of you are way ahead of me here. The Chinese fortune cookie is an American invention. The Chinese don’t even serve or eat them in China. In fact, twenty years ago attempts were made to sell fortune cookies in China but the concept was rejected as too American. According to Wikipedia there are approximately 3 billion fortune cookies made each year, most of them consumed right here in the good old USA. The largest manufacturer of the cookies is Wonton Food Inc., headquartered in Brooklyn. Not that any of this should spoil the fun of breaking open a fortune cookie and reading the slip of paper tucked inside. Just for that moment, don’t we all secretly hope we are about to be treated to a useful insight that changes our life’s direction or a prediction that we are about to enjoy unparalleled success, unbridled joy or unlimited power? Yes, the actual fortune is often trite and disappointing but so what? The delicious anticipation, however brief or mindless it may be, keeps us coming back for more. Admit it, when the waiter left an extra cookie the last time you were at your favorite Chinese restaurant, you seized it before anyone else could act on the impulse and treated yourself to an extra banality, didn’t you? And never mind the fortune, should you actually eat the fortune cookie? There is a healthy debate about whether one should eat the whole cookie, part of the cookie or not eat it at all. Is it okay to pick your own cookie? Should you ever touch someone else’s fortune cookie? Do you eat the cookie first or read the fortune first? There don’t appear to be any hard and fast rules about these matters but there are lots of opinions. Eating the whole cookie might be necessary if you want your fortune to come true, for example. On the other hand, eating any part of the cookie or too little or too much of the cookie, could mean a wasted fortune. Some people believe you have to get the tiny slip of paper out without breaking the cookie or you won’t get that promotion the fortune promised. I can’t imagine how people with thick fingers would have any chance to benefit from ancient wisdom if that’s the rule. It’s hard enough to manage a pair of chopsticks. Of course if I find a way to get the fortune out using chopsticks would my good fortune multiply? It’s exhausting just thinking about these things. I wish those Chinese-American fortunes my friend John got the other day, probably printed and stuffed in the exotic Far East location of Brooklyn, had been checked more carefully by the quality assurance staff. In my research though, I did find one Chinese fortune I liked. I hope John gets it the next time he dines at his favorite Chinese buffet: You should pay for this check…be generous. Copyright Len Serafino, 2012. All rights reserved.

Tennis Players: We’re a Different Breed

The French Open, one of tennis’s major championships each year, is nearing the final rounds. This one’s claim to fame, aside from being played in Paris, is the red clay courts. Watching the power, speed and unfathomable shot making of seeded and unseeded players alike, I found myself thinking about the game and club level play. I’ve been playing tennis now for seven years, not long actually. Unlike my golf game which I gave up for tennis, I occasionally see some improvement. One of the beauties of the game is that older people can play it and in some cases, play with considerable skill. While games like basketball, baseball and football are meant to be watched after a certain age, tennis is a game you can play with gusto even as an octogenarian. Yes, golf is another game you can play well into your later years and for those who enjoy chasing a little white sphere through all corners of manicured parks I say, hit ‘em straight. For me nothing is more exhilarating than a good tennis match even if I’m not very good. Tennis players I think are a different breed. There is a good deal of camaraderie on the court between games, especially in doubles. Yet, once the server sends the yellow ball over the net, the battle is on. For my money, tennis may be the last game where combatants who face off against each other, manage to remain civil at all times. Civility is integral to the game and it’s evident at all levels of play from the pros to club level. Players don’t scream at each other. The chair umpire is highly unlikely to be called upon to break up a fistfight between the players. That’s not to say that I would mind seeing a fight break out between say, Jimmy Connors and John McEnroe just for old time’s sake. Of course, tennis players can be a bit quirky. It’s rare for players to brag about an incredible backhand. Few players will gloat over wiping the floor with an opponent 6-0, 6-0. But there is a tendency to brag about how much your knees are killing you or the tennis elbow you’ve been playing through for eleven years. My favorite opponent, by the way is the one who starts the match by informing me he is playing with only one knee and forgot his prescription glasses, so would I please go easy on him. I like this guy because I know I can relax. I am about to get a colorful, stiff beating. The guys who are really good at this (or sadistic if you will) are the ones who let you take the first game or two, actually hitting the ball as if the object of the game was to hit the ball into the net on two bounces. Just as you begin to feel sorry for him, he suddenly starts hitting miraculous passing shots. By the time you adjust, the match is over and he’s having a cigarette. It’s common too for players to prescribe remedies for various ailments. Over the years I’ve learned that a shot of cortisone is a complete and total cure for tennis elbow. On the other hand I’ve also learned that cortisone is useless and may cause me to see three balls coming at me instead of the usual two I see after hydrating with Jack Daniels instead of water. And don’t get into a discussion about the wonders of Aleve with anybody. You can spot the players who have crossed over from tennis enthusiast to a warped, obsessive compulsive tennis disorder by the way the OCD player talks about Aleve as a dietary supplement. One thing that is different about tennis players versus golfers is I have never met a tennis player who secretly thinks he could be on the professional tour. Some golfers will suggest that if they had more time to hone their game, they could be on the tour, at least the senior tour. Tennis players don’t suffer such delusions about their game. For one thing most players peak before they reach 25. For another, when you’re playing mixed doubles and a 50 something woman who just took the game up three weeks ago cleans your clock, perspective dawns easily. If you’ve never picked up a tennis racquet, I encourage you to do so. You can’t beat the exercise and you cannot help but meet interesting, kind and encouraging people who want nothing more than to ace you on their next serve. Copyright 2012, Len Serafino. All rights reserved.