I’m 64 now. Yeah it happened about 3 weeks ago. I can’t say that living six plus decades has made me wiser. But, to paraphrase something novelist Kurt Vonnegut once said, why ask me what to do? The earth has been around for billions of years. I just got here. One thing I am certain of though is that there are some things you shouldn’t do after a certain age like dancing fast to a song like say, Boogie Oogie Oogie in public. Take my word for it you don’t move the way you did when you were twenty-something. You may remember the song, recorded by A Taste of Honey. My favorite line is “We’re gonna boogie oogie oogie until you just can’t boogie no more.” In the privacy of my own home I tried to do just that. Thirteen seconds and I couldn’t boogie-oogie no more. I never would have made it that long had it not been for the oxygen my wife was feeding me.
You know, you can play a mean game of tennis at 64 (Not me but I’ve seen it done.) You can cook a gourmet meal complete with a rich dessert and select an elegant wine to go with it. What you can’t do is eat it. You have to choose between the Chateaubriand and Chateauneuf-du- Pape. While everyone else is enjoying cherries jubilee, you’re nibbling on a ½ inch square of dark chocolate and I do mean 80% cocoa.
Another thing that never really looks good after the age of 60 is a man behind the wheel of a sports car even if it’s a Ferrari. As you’re turning the corner with your lamb skin gloves wrapped around the steering wheel, you can’t help notice that heads are turning. Feels good but deep down you must know the girls…and the guys are snickering. If you’re over 60 and you have that kind of bread, give it to charity if you want to impress. Remember: When you get out of that little red car your knees will still hurt.
Then there are the long working hours we used to take for granted. Business travel, time zone changes and high pressure stakes made your heart sing. Long distance travel in the twilight hours of your career gives you heartburn and high blood pressure makes your ears ring.
A friend of mine pointed out that Hillary Clinton, also 64 is still a globe trotter who keeps long hours and is at the top of her game. Yeah, but I’ll bet she doesn’t cut her own lawn on Saturdays. And let’s face it, she is a world leader constantly stimulated by global crises and the march of history. Suppose she was selling yogurt franchises, promising prospects a new flavor every other month? How stimulating would that be for someone just a year shy of Medicare eligibility? Her best hope for stimulation in that situation? Accidentally dropping her hair dryer in a stopped up, water filled sink in her motel room.
Here’s something else you shouldn’t do in your sixties. Criticize younger people for their work ethic, their manners or their lifestyles. Of course we don’t understand them. We were born under drastically different conditions. The world has changed so much and more than once in their short lifetimes. Most of them are doing the best they can. I recently had a job change that brought me into regular contact with young co-workers. Know what? They are smart and hard working. They’re ambitious and respectful, even patient with an old timer even if he just can’t boogie no more.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
High Unemployment: Are IQ Scores to Blame?
"Someone in America who has a 90-point IQ is qualified for many fewer jobs today than he was 100 years ago." Warren Buffett
I read that quote in a recent edition of Time magazine. It shocked me and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since I read it. In a Presidential election year when jobs and the economy are the primary battleground between the candidates, a statistic like this is more than a little bit worrisome. According to the Wechsler Intelligence Scales, an IQ score in the range of 90 to 99 is classified as in the normal intelligence range. A score of 90 has been labeled elsewhere as low average.
According to the Mega Foundation, a non-profit organization dedicated to developing programs that aid the very gifted, people with IQ's of 90-110 generally occupy semi-skilled positions, including typists, receptionists, assembly line workers, and checkout clerks. People in this category are not usually successful in completing college. Other research indicates about 46% of the public fall into this category.
Is it possible that one reason we are in a period of seemingly intractable unemployment is that there just aren’t enough jobs suitable for the many people who fall into a functional but lower IQ range? Historically, when we had a bustling manufacturing industry, jobs that didn’t require a college degree were plentiful. In the 21st century’s high-tech, instantaneous, information driven global economy, the jobs most readily available for those with a 90 or so IQ would seem to be limited to low paying service jobs like restaurant workers, and retail clerks.
A worrisome development indeed and, I haven’t heard any discussion in the Republican debates or the President’s State of the Union address last week that suggests the problem is being addressed. Massive retraining sounds like a great idea until you realize that many people probably don’t have the wherewithal to fully understand the subject matter, let alone perform work that involves a good deal more than making change –even using a computerized cash register that essentially does it for you.
The economy will certainly recover but it seems entirely possible that all boats will not be lifted when it does. Consider how many jobs are being lost through online ordering from large warehouse-based companies like Amazon.com that drop ship products all over the world. (Think how e-books are reshaping reading habits and affecting even a book selling giant like Barnes and Noble.) Online shopping is making life difficult for many small business owners who employ the very people we are discussing here. And shopping malls, a traditional source of employment in the retail space, are closing in part for the same reason. In the Nashville area alone there have been six closings.
For those of us comfortable in the knowledge that we have higher IQs that should serve us well in the future, consider that Bank of America announced last March that they are shutting down 600 branches, in part because so many people prefer online banking. They don’t need as many people to run their business. Thousands of jobs including professionals in legal, marketing, human relations and finance areas will be lost. Even higher IQ people are not immune to problems created by technology advances. The difference of course is that people with higher IQs are better suited to take advantage of retraining opportunities.
That may be good news for those blessed with a higher functioning IQ but what about the rest of us? What if anything can be done to help otherwise functional people with lower IQs? Thankfully, there may be some good news on that front as well. A study done by the University of Michigan strongly suggests that IQ can be improved upon. Researchers found that exercising the brain through activities like reading, writing, puzzle-solving and taking up new hobbies can improve performance. Parents of children who have lower IQ scores please take note.
More of us have to be trained and ready if America is going to compete successfully in the 21st century. According to Brenda Albright, a well known consultant in the field of higher education, “These issues are being discussed extensively in higher education policy circles. The foundations that support higher education as well as political leaders are actively promoting the idea that many more Americans should go to college and obtain a degree or certificates.”
Warren Buffett is an extremely bright man. Work that demanded less intelligence was easier to find 100 years ago. The task at hand however, is to look ahead and find a way to put people to work who might otherwise not only fall through but demolish the social safety net, taking the rest of us with it.
Copyright 2012, Len Serafino. All rights reserved.
I read that quote in a recent edition of Time magazine. It shocked me and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since I read it. In a Presidential election year when jobs and the economy are the primary battleground between the candidates, a statistic like this is more than a little bit worrisome. According to the Wechsler Intelligence Scales, an IQ score in the range of 90 to 99 is classified as in the normal intelligence range. A score of 90 has been labeled elsewhere as low average.
According to the Mega Foundation, a non-profit organization dedicated to developing programs that aid the very gifted, people with IQ's of 90-110 generally occupy semi-skilled positions, including typists, receptionists, assembly line workers, and checkout clerks. People in this category are not usually successful in completing college. Other research indicates about 46% of the public fall into this category.
Is it possible that one reason we are in a period of seemingly intractable unemployment is that there just aren’t enough jobs suitable for the many people who fall into a functional but lower IQ range? Historically, when we had a bustling manufacturing industry, jobs that didn’t require a college degree were plentiful. In the 21st century’s high-tech, instantaneous, information driven global economy, the jobs most readily available for those with a 90 or so IQ would seem to be limited to low paying service jobs like restaurant workers, and retail clerks.
A worrisome development indeed and, I haven’t heard any discussion in the Republican debates or the President’s State of the Union address last week that suggests the problem is being addressed. Massive retraining sounds like a great idea until you realize that many people probably don’t have the wherewithal to fully understand the subject matter, let alone perform work that involves a good deal more than making change –even using a computerized cash register that essentially does it for you.
The economy will certainly recover but it seems entirely possible that all boats will not be lifted when it does. Consider how many jobs are being lost through online ordering from large warehouse-based companies like Amazon.com that drop ship products all over the world. (Think how e-books are reshaping reading habits and affecting even a book selling giant like Barnes and Noble.) Online shopping is making life difficult for many small business owners who employ the very people we are discussing here. And shopping malls, a traditional source of employment in the retail space, are closing in part for the same reason. In the Nashville area alone there have been six closings.
For those of us comfortable in the knowledge that we have higher IQs that should serve us well in the future, consider that Bank of America announced last March that they are shutting down 600 branches, in part because so many people prefer online banking. They don’t need as many people to run their business. Thousands of jobs including professionals in legal, marketing, human relations and finance areas will be lost. Even higher IQ people are not immune to problems created by technology advances. The difference of course is that people with higher IQs are better suited to take advantage of retraining opportunities.
That may be good news for those blessed with a higher functioning IQ but what about the rest of us? What if anything can be done to help otherwise functional people with lower IQs? Thankfully, there may be some good news on that front as well. A study done by the University of Michigan strongly suggests that IQ can be improved upon. Researchers found that exercising the brain through activities like reading, writing, puzzle-solving and taking up new hobbies can improve performance. Parents of children who have lower IQ scores please take note.
More of us have to be trained and ready if America is going to compete successfully in the 21st century. According to Brenda Albright, a well known consultant in the field of higher education, “These issues are being discussed extensively in higher education policy circles. The foundations that support higher education as well as political leaders are actively promoting the idea that many more Americans should go to college and obtain a degree or certificates.”
Warren Buffett is an extremely bright man. Work that demanded less intelligence was easier to find 100 years ago. The task at hand however, is to look ahead and find a way to put people to work who might otherwise not only fall through but demolish the social safety net, taking the rest of us with it.
Copyright 2012, Len Serafino. All rights reserved.
Monday, January 9, 2012
The Elevator Speech
I read recently that business people are in need of a better elevator speech. For the uninitiated, an elevator speech is what you should be ready to say should you find yourself on an elevator standing next to someone who might do business with you or offer you a job. The idea is you should be able to tell the person how wonderful you are and what’s in it for him to hire you. You must be able to do this in 118 seconds, the average length of an elevator ride.
You have to admit that a tiny, enclosed, rapidly moving, windowless room is an excellent spot in which to hold someone conversational hostage. The elevator speech has become a sort of conventional wisdom. If you’ve been in the business world for a while you have no doubt been made to feel inferior by someone who sniffs that you MUST have an elevator speech ready at all times. You feel inferior because even if you have one you know it isn’t good enough. In just 118 seconds you have to grab the prospect’s attention, tell her who you are, what you or your business has to offer and exactly how you can improve this stranger’s life beyond her wildest expectations. If you can do that, you might as well run for Congress. You’d be perfect.
But let’s give this a try: “Forty-sixth floor please. Imagine; 46 floors! Looks like a vertical roulette table doesn’t it? Say, my name is Vito Corleone. I sell imported olive oil by the truck load with an easy -you never miss a payment plan. If you buy your oil from me, you will be my friend and people will fear you.”
Okay, Vito’s elevator speech needs a little work. But I wonder if it’s worth the time. Conventional wisdom notwithstanding, I suspect that proponents of the need for an elevator speech are the same kind of people who told us the world was flat, that Y2K was the next apocalypse and that everything happens for a reason. Conventional or fanciful, wisdom isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be.
For starters, the vast majority of us don’t even live or work anywhere near a building that has an elevator; certainly not one that would take an average of 118 seconds to ride. A better term for elevator speech might be waiting area speech, since most of us actually do spend hours waiting to see the doctor, waiting for a table at the Bonefish Grill or waiting at the Wal-Mart checkout line. Just like elevators, waiting areas like these have at least a few people who might buy from us.
On the other hand, considering how wrapped up we are in our techno-gadgets these days, can you really get someone’s attention in one sentence without a snub nose 38 and words like “Your watch and your wallet now?” Please, it takes about seven sentences to get the kid at the fast food counter to pay attention to you. And how do you get the Donald Trumps of the world to remember your name when they are so hypnotized by the sound of their own names?
Then there’s the fact that very few of us are actually involved in a business that can be adequately explained in mere seconds. Anybody who’s ever read a company mission statement knows that. It takes about a hundred and eighteen minutes to read one of those. Being succinct about what you do sounds great in theory but in practice it’s not easy. Not if you want to impress your quarry. After all, an elevator speech without terms like osmosis marketing, B2C and a perennial favorite, synergy, will brand you as someone who lacks gravitas.
The one thing we are all good at though, is explaining why our new friend and potential benefactor can’t live without us. That is a lesson we are fated to revisit every election cycle. You know the formula: Big promises no cost to you. Works ever time.
Copyright 2012, Len Serafino. All rights reserved.
You have to admit that a tiny, enclosed, rapidly moving, windowless room is an excellent spot in which to hold someone conversational hostage. The elevator speech has become a sort of conventional wisdom. If you’ve been in the business world for a while you have no doubt been made to feel inferior by someone who sniffs that you MUST have an elevator speech ready at all times. You feel inferior because even if you have one you know it isn’t good enough. In just 118 seconds you have to grab the prospect’s attention, tell her who you are, what you or your business has to offer and exactly how you can improve this stranger’s life beyond her wildest expectations. If you can do that, you might as well run for Congress. You’d be perfect.
But let’s give this a try: “Forty-sixth floor please. Imagine; 46 floors! Looks like a vertical roulette table doesn’t it? Say, my name is Vito Corleone. I sell imported olive oil by the truck load with an easy -you never miss a payment plan. If you buy your oil from me, you will be my friend and people will fear you.”
Okay, Vito’s elevator speech needs a little work. But I wonder if it’s worth the time. Conventional wisdom notwithstanding, I suspect that proponents of the need for an elevator speech are the same kind of people who told us the world was flat, that Y2K was the next apocalypse and that everything happens for a reason. Conventional or fanciful, wisdom isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be.
For starters, the vast majority of us don’t even live or work anywhere near a building that has an elevator; certainly not one that would take an average of 118 seconds to ride. A better term for elevator speech might be waiting area speech, since most of us actually do spend hours waiting to see the doctor, waiting for a table at the Bonefish Grill or waiting at the Wal-Mart checkout line. Just like elevators, waiting areas like these have at least a few people who might buy from us.
On the other hand, considering how wrapped up we are in our techno-gadgets these days, can you really get someone’s attention in one sentence without a snub nose 38 and words like “Your watch and your wallet now?” Please, it takes about seven sentences to get the kid at the fast food counter to pay attention to you. And how do you get the Donald Trumps of the world to remember your name when they are so hypnotized by the sound of their own names?
Then there’s the fact that very few of us are actually involved in a business that can be adequately explained in mere seconds. Anybody who’s ever read a company mission statement knows that. It takes about a hundred and eighteen minutes to read one of those. Being succinct about what you do sounds great in theory but in practice it’s not easy. Not if you want to impress your quarry. After all, an elevator speech without terms like osmosis marketing, B2C and a perennial favorite, synergy, will brand you as someone who lacks gravitas.
The one thing we are all good at though, is explaining why our new friend and potential benefactor can’t live without us. That is a lesson we are fated to revisit every election cycle. You know the formula: Big promises no cost to you. Works ever time.
Copyright 2012, Len Serafino. All rights reserved.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Why Time Moves Faster Than It Used To
As I get older I get the feeling that time is moving by much faster than it did when I was younger. As a child for example, I always thought that the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas morning was the equivalent of the entire time I had been alive up to that point. And Christmas Eve was always the longest night of the year!
Remember when summer lasted forever? Nowadays summer feels like a long weekend. The time between Memorial Day and Labor Day, once a sweet eternity, is now a madcap rush, not unlike the feeling one gets while racing down the freeway to the airport. With one eye on the road the other looking for state troopers, your hope fades that you will ever make the last flight home on a Friday evening. And so it is with summer. Why does time seem to go by so much faster now? Some say it’s because we are much busier than our ancestors ever were. No doubt farmers living in the pre-industrial age, tilling their fields with a horse drawn plow had loads of time to spare. Imagine how much time housewives had on their hands in the days before dishwashers, washing machines, dryers and microwaves. Yeah, leisurely lives they led. They had it made.
There are some theories floating in cyberspace about the likelihood that time is actually speeding up. One theory suggests that something called the Schumann Resonance or heartbeat of Earth used to be 7.83 cycles per second. Apparently it’s been rising since 1980. It is now over 12 cycles per second, leaving us with the equivalent of about 16 hours per day instead of 24. Note to theorists: The missing 8 hours might be the ones that occur while you’re sleeping which would make them hard to track. The more I dig into the “Schumann Resonance” though, the more convinced I am that it has merit in at least one respect. A smart candidate for the Presidency could score serious points making 24 hours an issue. Promising to restore time to its original and rightful place in our system of government could win votes, no? Republican candidates can assign blame to the Carter Administration by suggesting that he wasted so much time that time itself started to slip away. A wily Democrat like President Obama could point to The Resonance as what the so-called Reagan revolution was really all about.
But I digress.
The fact is that man came up with the concept of time. It was man who decided that 60 seconds equals a minute and 60 minutes equals an hour. These units still exist and can be measured.
So why do we feel like time is going by faster than it used to? I am pleased to report that yesterday, December 28, 2011, I found the answer. I was shopping in a Target store in Franklin, Tennessee. As I meandered through the aisles, I happened upon a row of Hallmark and other greeting cards six feet high and fifteen feet long. Remember the date, December 28th, still 3 days before New Year’s Eve and just 3 days after Christmas. Now which greeting cards do you think I saw completely dominating the racks? If you said Valentine’s Day cards treat yourself to a Be Mine candy heart. Valentine’s Day is seven weeks away! Yet, by the time it arrives we will have been completely inundated by retail displays, advertisements and junk mail from jewelers reminding us to buy something special for that someone special in our lives. What galls me is that by the time the day arrives, by no later than 6:00 p.m. on the day itself, retailers will be restocking their shelves with St. Patrick’s Day paraphernalia.
No wonder time seems to fly by. Living in the present these days is hard work. We are always being pushed ahead to the next holiday, the next season. Does rushing each holiday really work? Is anyone reading this post ready to forget the Christmas or Hanukkah holidays? It occurs to me that I’m asking a foolish question since the business version of the Christmas season now lasts so long that one is tempted to not bother taking down the tree at all. Still are you actually ready to focus on Valentine’s Day? If you have already bought your Valentine’s Day cards, have you also mailed them? Please let me know. And while you’re at it, send me your menu for the 4th of July barbecue.
Copyright 2011, Len Serafino. All rights reserved.
Remember when summer lasted forever? Nowadays summer feels like a long weekend. The time between Memorial Day and Labor Day, once a sweet eternity, is now a madcap rush, not unlike the feeling one gets while racing down the freeway to the airport. With one eye on the road the other looking for state troopers, your hope fades that you will ever make the last flight home on a Friday evening. And so it is with summer. Why does time seem to go by so much faster now? Some say it’s because we are much busier than our ancestors ever were. No doubt farmers living in the pre-industrial age, tilling their fields with a horse drawn plow had loads of time to spare. Imagine how much time housewives had on their hands in the days before dishwashers, washing machines, dryers and microwaves. Yeah, leisurely lives they led. They had it made.
There are some theories floating in cyberspace about the likelihood that time is actually speeding up. One theory suggests that something called the Schumann Resonance or heartbeat of Earth used to be 7.83 cycles per second. Apparently it’s been rising since 1980. It is now over 12 cycles per second, leaving us with the equivalent of about 16 hours per day instead of 24. Note to theorists: The missing 8 hours might be the ones that occur while you’re sleeping which would make them hard to track. The more I dig into the “Schumann Resonance” though, the more convinced I am that it has merit in at least one respect. A smart candidate for the Presidency could score serious points making 24 hours an issue. Promising to restore time to its original and rightful place in our system of government could win votes, no? Republican candidates can assign blame to the Carter Administration by suggesting that he wasted so much time that time itself started to slip away. A wily Democrat like President Obama could point to The Resonance as what the so-called Reagan revolution was really all about.
But I digress.
The fact is that man came up with the concept of time. It was man who decided that 60 seconds equals a minute and 60 minutes equals an hour. These units still exist and can be measured.
So why do we feel like time is going by faster than it used to? I am pleased to report that yesterday, December 28, 2011, I found the answer. I was shopping in a Target store in Franklin, Tennessee. As I meandered through the aisles, I happened upon a row of Hallmark and other greeting cards six feet high and fifteen feet long. Remember the date, December 28th, still 3 days before New Year’s Eve and just 3 days after Christmas. Now which greeting cards do you think I saw completely dominating the racks? If you said Valentine’s Day cards treat yourself to a Be Mine candy heart. Valentine’s Day is seven weeks away! Yet, by the time it arrives we will have been completely inundated by retail displays, advertisements and junk mail from jewelers reminding us to buy something special for that someone special in our lives. What galls me is that by the time the day arrives, by no later than 6:00 p.m. on the day itself, retailers will be restocking their shelves with St. Patrick’s Day paraphernalia.
No wonder time seems to fly by. Living in the present these days is hard work. We are always being pushed ahead to the next holiday, the next season. Does rushing each holiday really work? Is anyone reading this post ready to forget the Christmas or Hanukkah holidays? It occurs to me that I’m asking a foolish question since the business version of the Christmas season now lasts so long that one is tempted to not bother taking down the tree at all. Still are you actually ready to focus on Valentine’s Day? If you have already bought your Valentine’s Day cards, have you also mailed them? Please let me know. And while you’re at it, send me your menu for the 4th of July barbecue.
Copyright 2011, Len Serafino. All rights reserved.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
A Christmas Tradition Gone Wrong
I got my Christmas shopping done early this year. I even wrapped my gifts. Judging by the heavy traffic I see near the mall, I should be feeling pretty good about not procrastinating this year. Truth be told though, I miss the hustle and bustle, mingling with the crowds, the touch of nippy weather and the devilish excitement of being the guy who got the last Xbox 360.
Christmas shopping is a chore for most of us but there is a touch of romance in the delicate art of finding something unique, desirable, and affordable for that someone special. Yes, there aren’t enough good parking spaces and by the time the Holidays arrive, thanks to retailers’ penchant for starting the season just after Memorial Day, we’re tired of Christmas decorations and Christmas music.
Nowadays you can do all of your Christmas shopping on line without even leaving the house once! It certainly has changed Christmas shopping hasn’t it? What with shipping though, you can’t wait until the last minute to shop. I waited until the very last minute one year. I decided to do all my Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve. Ed McMahon, Johnny Carson’s sidekick on the Tonight Show, told Johnny that doing all his shopping on Christmas Eve was one of his favorite Christmas traditions. If it was good enough for Ed, wasn’t it good enough for Len? So I waited. Black Friday came and went, the short daylight days of December quickly rolled by. Of course my wife, being so much smarter than I am, got the shopping done for the kids early. She shopped for me too. I’m sure she tried to reason with me. After all, she would be the one receiving the gifts I found during my magical mystery Christmas Eve shopping tour. Regardless, I was determined to give Ed’s tradition a go.
On the afternoon of December 24th I set out for the mall. It was a bitter cold day, some scattered snow flurries made the roads just a bit slick. As I recall, parking was a problem. After circling the parking lot for an hour, I found a space about 20 miles from the mall. The stiff wind blowing in my face probably made the walk to the mall seem longer.
I knew the mall would be crowded but I have to say I never guessed that a huge mall, complete with three anchor stores, could be so jammed packed with people. If you’ve ever been sandwiched into a telephone booth trying to break the record for the Guinness Book, you’ll know exactly how I felt.
I was on a tight budget but I was determined to find something special, something that had somehow escaped the eyes of the teeming hordes of desperate shoppers. I inched my way to a discount women’s clothing shop and started going through the racks of clothing. I felt a surge of excitement when I snatched the perfect skirt and blouse combination just as a girl who looked to be about 14 reached for it. I waited in line for an hour and a half to pay for my lucky find. When I finally got to the register though, I noticed that the woman behind the counter was giving me a funny look. She said, “Is this supposed to go together?” It was then that I noticed that the blouse was orange with white polka dots and the skirt was rainbow stripes. It didn’t matter. Surely my wife would love this symbol of my adventurous spirit.
I was able to get a few other items on my list including a calendar, something my wife asks for every year to this day. Usually the theme would be the works of an artist like Renoir.
There wasn’t anything quite like that left so my wife’s calendar that year had a spectacular, full color, chicks on a Harley theme.
Exhausted, I finally finished my shopping at 8 o’clock. As I stepped out of the warm confines of the mall and into the frigid, as in single digit, night air, it suddenly occurred to me. I still had to wrap all these gifts. By the time I got home in my unheated Chevette, would I still be able to feel my fingers?
As I sat on my living room floor just a few hours before dawn, wrapping the last gift with the only thing I could find, a brown grocery store bag, I watched a Tonight Show rerun. And I had a revelation of sorts. Ed McMahon could do all his shopping on Christmas Eve for two reasons. He wasn’t living on a budget. The limo he rode in was nice and warm.
Copyright 2011 Len Serafino. All rights reserved.
Christmas shopping is a chore for most of us but there is a touch of romance in the delicate art of finding something unique, desirable, and affordable for that someone special. Yes, there aren’t enough good parking spaces and by the time the Holidays arrive, thanks to retailers’ penchant for starting the season just after Memorial Day, we’re tired of Christmas decorations and Christmas music.
Nowadays you can do all of your Christmas shopping on line without even leaving the house once! It certainly has changed Christmas shopping hasn’t it? What with shipping though, you can’t wait until the last minute to shop. I waited until the very last minute one year. I decided to do all my Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve. Ed McMahon, Johnny Carson’s sidekick on the Tonight Show, told Johnny that doing all his shopping on Christmas Eve was one of his favorite Christmas traditions. If it was good enough for Ed, wasn’t it good enough for Len? So I waited. Black Friday came and went, the short daylight days of December quickly rolled by. Of course my wife, being so much smarter than I am, got the shopping done for the kids early. She shopped for me too. I’m sure she tried to reason with me. After all, she would be the one receiving the gifts I found during my magical mystery Christmas Eve shopping tour. Regardless, I was determined to give Ed’s tradition a go.
On the afternoon of December 24th I set out for the mall. It was a bitter cold day, some scattered snow flurries made the roads just a bit slick. As I recall, parking was a problem. After circling the parking lot for an hour, I found a space about 20 miles from the mall. The stiff wind blowing in my face probably made the walk to the mall seem longer.
I knew the mall would be crowded but I have to say I never guessed that a huge mall, complete with three anchor stores, could be so jammed packed with people. If you’ve ever been sandwiched into a telephone booth trying to break the record for the Guinness Book, you’ll know exactly how I felt.
I was on a tight budget but I was determined to find something special, something that had somehow escaped the eyes of the teeming hordes of desperate shoppers. I inched my way to a discount women’s clothing shop and started going through the racks of clothing. I felt a surge of excitement when I snatched the perfect skirt and blouse combination just as a girl who looked to be about 14 reached for it. I waited in line for an hour and a half to pay for my lucky find. When I finally got to the register though, I noticed that the woman behind the counter was giving me a funny look. She said, “Is this supposed to go together?” It was then that I noticed that the blouse was orange with white polka dots and the skirt was rainbow stripes. It didn’t matter. Surely my wife would love this symbol of my adventurous spirit.
I was able to get a few other items on my list including a calendar, something my wife asks for every year to this day. Usually the theme would be the works of an artist like Renoir.
There wasn’t anything quite like that left so my wife’s calendar that year had a spectacular, full color, chicks on a Harley theme.
Exhausted, I finally finished my shopping at 8 o’clock. As I stepped out of the warm confines of the mall and into the frigid, as in single digit, night air, it suddenly occurred to me. I still had to wrap all these gifts. By the time I got home in my unheated Chevette, would I still be able to feel my fingers?
As I sat on my living room floor just a few hours before dawn, wrapping the last gift with the only thing I could find, a brown grocery store bag, I watched a Tonight Show rerun. And I had a revelation of sorts. Ed McMahon could do all his shopping on Christmas Eve for two reasons. He wasn’t living on a budget. The limo he rode in was nice and warm.
Copyright 2011 Len Serafino. All rights reserved.
Friday, December 2, 2011
An Average American Citizen for President
Suppose an average citizen decided to run for President of the United States. Could he or she win? Conventional wisdom says surely not! How could an average citizen raise enough money to buy votes for example? And without proper schooling in the political arena how in the world would our everyday candidate know how or when to utilize spin, the most important political skill of all? Can you imagine this poor guy being quizzed by a moderator like Wolf Blitzer during a nationally televised debate?
Still, looking at the crop of Republicans seeking the highest office in the land and lamenting over the guy who sits in the Oval Office now, how wrong could we go by plucking an average Joe or Jane out of the ranks and giving them a chance to compete in the contest to rule the free world?
Are you thinking, “Yeah, he’s right! Why not me? Indeed, why not you? Permit me to offer you some advice, no charge. In fact, to spur you on, here are several mini position papers written by an average American citizen for the average American candidate.
The Deficit
I know it sounds like a tough one but it isn’t really. We need to spend less money, a lot less. And we need more revenue. The problem is that Americans simply aren’t willing to pay more taxes until we are satisfied that government spending is under control. And we don’t want entitlements touched. So, your position, should you decide to run is simple: We will cut spending by 5% in all areas except entitlements. Government will keep doubling the amount cut every year until the American people tell you not only to stop cutting, but beg you to raise their taxes. My guess is that moment will occur in 2018, when Mexico and Canada, notice that our military has shrunk to the size of the Taiwanese army in the 1950s under Chiang Kai-shek. They will form an alliance and threaten to cross the Rio Grande and the Great Lakes, an invasion the likes of which hasn’t been seen since D-Day.
Abortion
This is a tough one. As far as I can tell, the time worn stance that you are personally opposed but feel you must defend the law of the land is, well…time worn. The news isn’t all bad though. The American people are so used to flip-flopping that you could probably call yourself the founder of the Flip-flop Party and garner a ton of votes. So, what you should do is say that in the interest of fairness you will be pro choice on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. You’ll be pro life on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Trust me: The media will be interested in just one thing. What is your Sunday position? MSNBC and Fox News will speculate endlessly. Under no circumstances are you to give away your position until you have written a quickie book on the topic and hawked it on Rachel Maddow’s show. Once you’ve milked that for all its worth, then give it to them straight. On Sundays you review the polls to see which days your standing in the polls rises or falls. Obviously you plan to be in favor of the position that gets you the most voter support. It’s perfect for O’Reilly’s No Spin Zone.
Foreign Policy
Frankly, as an average citizen it’s even money you’ve never been in another country unless you count California. Not to worry though. Your common sense approach will actually help to reduce the deficit! Here’s how: Reinstitute the draft. That will put a quick end to wars of adventurism. By re-instituting the draft, future Presidents will think twice before committing troops for years on end. Now the beauty of your plan is that the draft ONLY applies to people earning more than $250,000 a year. And here’s the catch. They can buy their way out. No, it’s not a tax; to borrow a quote from 41, “read my lips. No new taxes.” Regardless, our nation’s treasury will be swimming in cash. What about foreign aid? Again simplicity rules: Any country that accepts our money is an ally of the United States. You’ll need to clearly define the term ally. A litmus test is in order. Here’s the only question you need ask the leader of a country looking for dough. Will that country welcome the American Idol tour next summer? Not interested unless they bring Paula Abdul back? No aid for you.
Should you decide to go forward with your plan to run in 2012, please don’t forget me. Wait till you hear my plans for education and job growth.
Still, looking at the crop of Republicans seeking the highest office in the land and lamenting over the guy who sits in the Oval Office now, how wrong could we go by plucking an average Joe or Jane out of the ranks and giving them a chance to compete in the contest to rule the free world?
Are you thinking, “Yeah, he’s right! Why not me? Indeed, why not you? Permit me to offer you some advice, no charge. In fact, to spur you on, here are several mini position papers written by an average American citizen for the average American candidate.
The Deficit
I know it sounds like a tough one but it isn’t really. We need to spend less money, a lot less. And we need more revenue. The problem is that Americans simply aren’t willing to pay more taxes until we are satisfied that government spending is under control. And we don’t want entitlements touched. So, your position, should you decide to run is simple: We will cut spending by 5% in all areas except entitlements. Government will keep doubling the amount cut every year until the American people tell you not only to stop cutting, but beg you to raise their taxes. My guess is that moment will occur in 2018, when Mexico and Canada, notice that our military has shrunk to the size of the Taiwanese army in the 1950s under Chiang Kai-shek. They will form an alliance and threaten to cross the Rio Grande and the Great Lakes, an invasion the likes of which hasn’t been seen since D-Day.
Abortion
This is a tough one. As far as I can tell, the time worn stance that you are personally opposed but feel you must defend the law of the land is, well…time worn. The news isn’t all bad though. The American people are so used to flip-flopping that you could probably call yourself the founder of the Flip-flop Party and garner a ton of votes. So, what you should do is say that in the interest of fairness you will be pro choice on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. You’ll be pro life on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Trust me: The media will be interested in just one thing. What is your Sunday position? MSNBC and Fox News will speculate endlessly. Under no circumstances are you to give away your position until you have written a quickie book on the topic and hawked it on Rachel Maddow’s show. Once you’ve milked that for all its worth, then give it to them straight. On Sundays you review the polls to see which days your standing in the polls rises or falls. Obviously you plan to be in favor of the position that gets you the most voter support. It’s perfect for O’Reilly’s No Spin Zone.
Foreign Policy
Frankly, as an average citizen it’s even money you’ve never been in another country unless you count California. Not to worry though. Your common sense approach will actually help to reduce the deficit! Here’s how: Reinstitute the draft. That will put a quick end to wars of adventurism. By re-instituting the draft, future Presidents will think twice before committing troops for years on end. Now the beauty of your plan is that the draft ONLY applies to people earning more than $250,000 a year. And here’s the catch. They can buy their way out. No, it’s not a tax; to borrow a quote from 41, “read my lips. No new taxes.” Regardless, our nation’s treasury will be swimming in cash. What about foreign aid? Again simplicity rules: Any country that accepts our money is an ally of the United States. You’ll need to clearly define the term ally. A litmus test is in order. Here’s the only question you need ask the leader of a country looking for dough. Will that country welcome the American Idol tour next summer? Not interested unless they bring Paula Abdul back? No aid for you.
Should you decide to go forward with your plan to run in 2012, please don’t forget me. Wait till you hear my plans for education and job growth.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
A Way Out of Debt for the USA
I am happy to have read some very good news today. I needed it. I’ve been reading That Used to be Us by Tom Friedman and Michael Mandelbaum, a depressing and I’m afraid mostly accurate explanation of what is wrong with the good old USA. According to authors Friedman and Mandelbaum, a great deal of what’s wrong with us is that we are so deep in hoc that we are paralyzed. We can’t fix our infrastructure. We can’t improve the quality of education. We can’t even afford another war against a tiny country.
Then this afternoon I picked up this month’s AARP Bulletin and saw 5 ways Americans can help trim the national deficit. Never mind ways one through four. It’s the fifth step that made me jump for joy. Ready? “Give Uncle Sam a Gift.” That’s right, make a taxpayer gift to the US Treasury. Before you say, “Don’t be ridiculous Len! Who would ever do such a thing?”
Listen: According to the AARP article, taxpayers have already given the US Treasury $2,429,800.03 in gifts this year. (Would someone please make a Freedom of Information Act request to find out who gave the 3 cents?) So why is this good news anyway? It’s very simple. If enough of us give money to the Federal Government, we can solve the debt crisis. In fact, if every man, woman and child gives just $46,666.67 to Uncle Sam, our deficit would be zero. Imagine that! Free and clear! USA! USA! USA! Based on what’s been done already, 52 Americans have already ponied up. Who’s next?
Of course I realize it’s not entirely realistic to expect every man, woman and child to fork over that much money all at once. Take my daughter’s family of seven for instance. They would have to come up with almost $327,000 to do their part. With 5 growing children, their annual grocery bill is higher than that. And let’s face it, not eating for a year is improbable. Trust me, my grandson would rebel. Not to worry. There is another way for us to get this very important job done. If we can pull it off, historians will forever more consider us an all star, triple-crown, greatest generation. Not as great as The Greatest Generation but nothing to sneeze at. Here’s the plan. What if every American, including those of us who may be here illegally, promises to send $1.00 a week to the treasury? With 300 million of us we’ll have our national debt paid off in just under 90 years. It sounds like a long time considering it only took us about twenty years to dig this hole. But think of it this way. If you’re reading this the chances are excellent that you won’t be here for the last 45 years anyway. So it’s not really that long.
One thing I am a bit worried about is that we could wind up with something that looks sort of like Social Security in reverse. After all if we make a promise to the Treasury department they will surely depend on it. What happens if some of us start buying too many café lattes? Suppose some of us decide to get that pricey navigation system in our next new car? Will we find ourselves having to borrow to live up to our commitments? Will the nice people running the treasury begin to feel insecure as people start blogging that they might have to renege on their promise or reduce the size of their contributions? That would mean stretching out the payoff date well beyond the 90 years. I wonder, could the treasury plan for the future in that kind of environment?
Then this afternoon I picked up this month’s AARP Bulletin and saw 5 ways Americans can help trim the national deficit. Never mind ways one through four. It’s the fifth step that made me jump for joy. Ready? “Give Uncle Sam a Gift.” That’s right, make a taxpayer gift to the US Treasury. Before you say, “Don’t be ridiculous Len! Who would ever do such a thing?”
Listen: According to the AARP article, taxpayers have already given the US Treasury $2,429,800.03 in gifts this year. (Would someone please make a Freedom of Information Act request to find out who gave the 3 cents?) So why is this good news anyway? It’s very simple. If enough of us give money to the Federal Government, we can solve the debt crisis. In fact, if every man, woman and child gives just $46,666.67 to Uncle Sam, our deficit would be zero. Imagine that! Free and clear! USA! USA! USA! Based on what’s been done already, 52 Americans have already ponied up. Who’s next?
Of course I realize it’s not entirely realistic to expect every man, woman and child to fork over that much money all at once. Take my daughter’s family of seven for instance. They would have to come up with almost $327,000 to do their part. With 5 growing children, their annual grocery bill is higher than that. And let’s face it, not eating for a year is improbable. Trust me, my grandson would rebel. Not to worry. There is another way for us to get this very important job done. If we can pull it off, historians will forever more consider us an all star, triple-crown, greatest generation. Not as great as The Greatest Generation but nothing to sneeze at. Here’s the plan. What if every American, including those of us who may be here illegally, promises to send $1.00 a week to the treasury? With 300 million of us we’ll have our national debt paid off in just under 90 years. It sounds like a long time considering it only took us about twenty years to dig this hole. But think of it this way. If you’re reading this the chances are excellent that you won’t be here for the last 45 years anyway. So it’s not really that long.
One thing I am a bit worried about is that we could wind up with something that looks sort of like Social Security in reverse. After all if we make a promise to the Treasury department they will surely depend on it. What happens if some of us start buying too many café lattes? Suppose some of us decide to get that pricey navigation system in our next new car? Will we find ourselves having to borrow to live up to our commitments? Will the nice people running the treasury begin to feel insecure as people start blogging that they might have to renege on their promise or reduce the size of their contributions? That would mean stretching out the payoff date well beyond the 90 years. I wonder, could the treasury plan for the future in that kind of environment?
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